SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

anonymous823 posted 6/16/2013 16:16 PM

I have discovered that the reason why I'm stuck is because I let the OW have the last word when we spoke for the last time.

After my F ended the affair with the OW ( almost two months ago) she sent me a barrage of texts wherein she called my F and I names and instead of responding to her 40+ texts I chose to ignore her; even though Dday was almost 2 months ago, I've been wishing I had corrected her false statements about me and my fiance ever since.

I'm big on facts and she has no idea what I look like but kept calling me fat etc. and criticising my fiancé's apartment, fashion sense etc. I wish I had told her that he didn't tidy up his place for her intentionally, that he has a closet full of clothes that he wears with me but never wore around her and that he is always looking good for me but was just bummy looking for her. She also thought I was uneducated but I am in my early twenties - five years younger than her- and have a Master's degree from an Ivy. I also wanted to tell her that I'm not overweight at all. She has never seen me. My fiancé says she is overweight and was always upset about it. Every overweight woman I know is better looking than the OW, so she's ignorant.

My F says I'm letting her opinion matter too much and I know he's right, I'm just haunted by my choice to let her spew lies without correcting her. I thought I was showing her how insignificant she was by not engaging her.

Any advice on getting over my choice?

[This message edited by anonymous823 at 4:19 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]

musiclovingmom posted 6/16/2013 16:33 PM

I tried to correct the main OW. We were friends and she still spewed trash. When I tried to correct her, she only came back with meaner, nastier, uglier responses. Even if you tell this woman the truth she will find a way to spin it and make it ugly and nasty and untrue. I still struggle with the fact that she says untrue things about me to people we mutually know, but I won't give her the time of day. If someone mentions something she has said, I'll give them as much of the truth as they care to hear and go on. It's hard. I'm a stickler for truth too. And for responsibility. She cares about neither and I always remind myself that nothing I do will make her change.

karmahappens posted 6/16/2013 16:40 PM

Try to let it go. What good is it to correct her? She will twist and change anything you say to fit her broken needs.

Know you are the better person and be happy with it. Engaging with a spiteful OW is inviting additional pain.

Healing yourself and making her mean nothing to you will ultimately be your sweetest revenge.

(((hugs)))

OptimisticWife posted 6/16/2013 17:08 PM

I think the OW just realized she was no competition for you and it stung. Just like any bully, she tried to attack you and your F so she can feel better about herself. Sounds to me that she just lashed out all her own insecurities by turning them around on you both.
Think of it this way, she was upset enough to send you 40+ text messages trying to get under your skin. I'm guessing her aim was hoping you would stoop to her level, reply and engage in a war of words with her so she can "win" and feel important.
By ignoring her attempts, you have sent her a clear message telling her that she does not matter. What she says or does is now insignificant in your lives. You also showed her you have more dignity and class by not engaging in her war or words.
Well done and good for you!
Keep the NC and don't give the OW a chance to feel important or significant. Write her a letter then burn it if it will help.
In time, you will stop fixating on the OW. It takes time. I use to think my H did what he did because OW was special to him. Over time, both H and I realized she was just willing and available. Nothing special at all. Just low self esteem and loose morals. I'm happy to leave her in her own issues and be thankful that H and I are growing a lot as individuals and as a couple with all the work we are doing on ourselves because of the A.
I wish you lots of strength and happiness.

IAmPsycho posted 6/16/2013 17:38 PM

You know what? It wouldn't matter if she knew everything about you, because you are the enemy in her mind.

The OW in my situation was my best friend. She knew I was a good person, and she knew my heart. But she still came up with mean things to say about me. I think it helped her justify her actions.

Your OW wants to think she's better than you, and even if you told her that she's not, she would think of another reason why she's better. I think OW are insecure broken people. They lift themselves up by hurting others.

sisoon posted 6/16/2013 17:46 PM

Knowledge is power. Let her run her life based on falsehood. Why ever would you want to correct her and give her more power? Why not see some humor in her deluding herself?

IIRC, I focused on ow until I realized I was furious at my W. It's a lot harder to be angry at one's WS than at the ap.

Be happy that ow is lying to herself, while you focus on yourself.

LA44 posted 6/16/2013 17:52 PM

Also, the things she has attacked you with have nothing to do with character - looks, fashion, the way the apt. looks - all superficial.

Honestly, she is greatly lacking in character. If you respond, you sink to her level.

Don't do it.
LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 5:53 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]

BeyondBreaking posted 6/16/2013 19:03 PM

What the OW sent you was text message diarrhea. It was literally the last plea from a desperate woman who was watching what she wanted walk away from her.

How sad is that?
I'm sure your fiancé told her that you were overweight, that you were a b*tch, that you two never had sex, etc... She actually believed those things- and now she feels angry and bad about herself because despite all the crap he undoubtly said about you while cheating with her, HE IS CHOOSING TO STAY WITH YOU INSTEAD OF BE WITH HER. How pathetic, to be given all the answers to a test, give it your all, and STILL fail.

If you had responded, one of two things would have happened. Either:
a) she would not have responded, but also not have believed a word you said or cared because she only cares about herself OR
b) she would have responded back, blown up both of your phones again, and filled your phones with even more of her ridiculous rude text message equivalent of diarrhea.

She DOESN'T get the last word. Want to know why? Because your fiancé is sorry for you. He's trying to be a better man for you. He loves you. The situation speaks for itself- she couldn't even keep a man who was so unhappy in his relationship that he cheated.

anonymous823 posted 6/16/2013 21:34 PM

Thank you everyone for the feedback because this has really been haunting me and it's been really holding back my reconciliation with my fiance; I really do appreciate all the great responses. I know that I'm giving her way too much power and that's exactly what she wants and I should keep in mind that my fiance shows me that we're moving forward and that she probably said a lot of those things in order to build her self up. I realize that I don't need to go back and correct anything that she said. She isnt worth it. To the person who pointed out that a lot of what she commented on was superficial: I really appreciate that and you're absolutely correct. To the other poster who mentioned that I should be happy that my fiance is now working with me and that I should focus on that, thank you so much for that. I feel a lot better about my choice to let her rant now.

[This message edited by anonymous823 at 9:39 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]

Jrazz posted 6/16/2013 21:47 PM

OW got the last word with me as well. I sent her an email telling her to stay away from FWH or I would have her job. She emailed me back lying about how FWH was hitting on her and she didn't do anything and was going to file sexual harassment.

It bugged me for a long time that I didn't let her have it. I fantasized about calling her to describe to her in detail all her tattoos and then asking her how the hell I would know about those if I didn't know someone who had seen her naked. I used to wish that FWH and I could go to her house and he would berate her and tell her she disgusted him. He would have done it, too.

By the time all these ideas were really swirling around, it was too late to break NC.

The thing is, as MORE time passes, I'm really glad that she got the last word, because that means that I obviously didn't care enough about responding. The more we try to contact them, the more important they feel. Even if it's an argument, it validates their existence.

Nothing says "you don't exist to us" like never hearing from you or your WS again. EVER.

(((anonymous823)))

Lostinthismess posted 6/16/2013 21:48 PM

By ignoring her attempts, you have sent her a clear message telling her that she does not matter. What she says or does is now insignificant in your lives. You also showed her you have more dignity and class by not engaging in her war or words.

Just want to second this. By not engaging her you already got the last word. She's lower than nothing, grasping at straws. By not giving her the time of day you just reaffirm you are better than her. And I'm sure it kills her....

daisychains posted 6/17/2013 09:23 AM

40+ texts sprouting utter rubbish designed to get a response from you and your answer was silence.

You had the last word.

I take my hat off to you.

anonymous823 posted 6/17/2013 09:28 AM

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I really don't know what I'd do without SI. I really appreciate all of you having taken the time to comment on me thread while on your own journeys. I am very happy now that I responded to the OW with silence and my anxiety about not having done so has decreased immensely.

Going_Under posted 6/17/2013 09:30 AM

I don't see it as OW getting the last word. She wants you to reply. She is waiting for you to reply. She hopes and hopes that you will reply.

Can you imagine anything worse than NOT getting a reply to all those texts full of stuff she likely knows is untrue?

Whenever I think of looking up the OW on facebook or Googling her or whatever to see where she is now, I just remember that she wants that. She wants me to think about her. She wants me to look her up. She wants that attention from me more than anything. Of course she wouldn't know I looked her up, but I would know, and I won't give her that. It is so hard for me sometimes, but to me I believe she is a person without worth, without a soul, so I just won't do what she wants. Not now. Not ever again.

((((anonymous)))

wanttogoforward posted 6/17/2013 10:36 AM

I also let the OW have the last word as she called me up twice to cuss me out.... angry much??? LOL....
anyway, at first I regretted letting her have her say calling me a bitch, etc.... but now I don't... I took the high road... I'm his WIFE... not her... and the EA they were having was wrong... and the thing of it is they BOTH knew it.... SHE knew before getting into it he was married... had seen photos, etc.... however, she still carried on with him!
So my moto is what goes around comes around and someday she will pay... karma is a bitch (according to her I am too... LOL).... you did the right thing... now let it go! I did and now I know if she ever appears again I will then go angry bitch on her.... if she stays under her rock it'll all be good.

cds22 posted 6/17/2013 14:46 PM

She is at best a very trashy and troubled person and at worst seriously mentally ill. It is a very healthy move to not respond and engage to someone like that. It is the stuff of jerry springer to have responded back!

I also don't think the anger or feeling bad would be gone if you had responded or corrected her. Your true anger is at your F who put you in harm's way not only by cheating but by bringing this whackjobber into your life who was verbally abusive to you.

I hope you have the benefit of a long engagement to sort all of this out. Sigh. Good luck anonymous823!

UndecidedinMA posted 6/17/2013 15:02 PM

Don't worry she will be back - unfortunately.

It has been almost 21 months here and I just found 2 emails from OWXDBC that she sent via FB back in August & November of '12. They got sent to "other" rather than mail so just saw them last week.

Now I read and I so want to respond, fighting the urge with all my being.

RightTrack posted 6/18/2013 06:10 AM

A good last word from you might also be a message from your cell provider that she's been blocked. I agree with the above messages, you've already won.

tryinginmi posted 6/18/2013 09:03 AM

Arguing or trying to correct someone is like arguing with a rock. It does no good. She already has an image of you that helps her rationalize her behavior. It has nothing to do with the real you, it's all about her.....and what she wants to convince herself. Arguing/trying to convince her will only convince her she is right about you.

betraydtwice posted 6/18/2013 11:37 AM

Hi Anonymous, I also stressed over not telling OW off. I sent her a text telling her NEVER talk to my H again. She started to say all kinds of things, (i'm fat, lazy etc). I told her that she was a backstabbing lying little kid. She then started in hard time about what I have and how H looks after me etc.

It was then I realized how jealous she was of me, I put in a few more digs about her jealousy,but she called me every name under the sun.

I then told her that I was done playing these games with her. I told her goodnight and good luck.

She then started texting a million messages. She already had 5 times the number of texts more than me.
I never responded again but I sure wanted to.

That night she called me many times and I ignored everyone.

Sometimes it bothers me that I didn't correct her for any of her statements, but most days I am happy because it showed her how little I really care about her and how she is of very low consequence in our M