Have you two been to MC? Has your husband agreed to be monogamous? Have either of you gotten IC?
However, it still hurt. So when I was hurting, I would lash out at him so that he was hurting as well (usually a cruel, underhanded comment disguised as a "joke", to mask my own upset mood).
This time around, when I am hurting and want to make him hurt, I instead stop, examine what is bothering me, and tell him, giving him a chance to comfort me.
Like the other day, I was having to correspond with OW (we are trying to get the ball rolling on OC being adopted). FWH wanted to be intimate/affectionate.
What I wanted to say is: "Yuck, I was just reminded of whose bed you've been in, do you *really* think I want any of that?"
What I said was: "Dealing with OW about OC reminds me that you had a child with someone else. In order for that to happen, you had to have unprotected sex with someone else--OW. That disgusts me, and does not make me feel like being intimate with you."
Instead of getting mad, he held me and apologized. My first comment would have made him defensive, hurt and angry. The second comment gave him a chance to "make it better".
Do you see?
I just erased a huge portion of this. I feel like ranting so I'm trying to reel it in.
I think you've had some good advice from Want2help and I agree with what she says regarding how to word things - not always easy I know (I really did love your expression about having 'verbal explosive diarrhoea'!
I don't think you should erase things. People will understand if you need to rant - you can always start a new thread which is entitled 'Need to rant' or something similar. Then people will know that you don't necessarily need advice or responses but need to get it out there. This can be therapeutic too!
I'm so sorry that you have to be here in these forums but thank God they are here along with such amazing people.
Now, second scenario is simply that he doesn't notice my demeanor falling on occasion and this triggers my nasty, sarcastic, snarky side
You can't expect him to pick up on your emotions. You are likely not the same emotionally. You have to come to him and express these things.