Why do I blame the OP? For the same reason I would be angry with someone if they walked up to me and hit me in the face with a crowbar. I don't care if my partner said it is okay- who does that to someone else?
Of course, that's not to say I don't blame the person who I am in a relationship with and am not holding them responsible at all.
My DD's dad had a few OW- one of whom was so crazy and threatening towards me and my daughter (she threatened to kill us, stalked our house, etc...) that I had to get a restraining order. I ABSOLUTELY have a ton of very negative feelings towards her. That as it may be- she is somebody who I don't ever see or talk to (she legally cannot contact me, third party contact me, or come within 500 ft. of me of my child for any reason), so I don't really have to think about her. Of course I am mad at DD's dad as well for bringing that person into my life and risking my daughter and my safety like that- but he is someone who I have forgiven because I have to co-parent with him. I don't have to forgive her at all, so I don't.
My current fiancÚ cyber cheated with women who he lied to as well- they had no idea he was in a relationship. I have no hostility towards any of those people. One of them comes into the clinic that I work at and I see her sometimes. I am triggered when I see her, but am not mad at her at all. He never met her in person, and she didn't know about me at all.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
Who the hell knows what the ex told her. Doesn't matter now. Heard through grape vine he dumped her ass. I feel sorry for his next girlfriend.
And hey, they both blamed me, so why shouldn't I blame them back?
[This message edited by inconnu at 6:31 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]
This subject comes up often here. This is just one of the most recent threads discussing it.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
You see, I didn't know her and I had love for him that took some time for him to kill (that's been done.) I had something of my own fog about him and her, and soon blocked myself from having to hear about her. He worked very hard to create that fog for me, on purpose and for a long time.
It was more clear-cut to blame her and do the old, "she should know better" routine.
Now, FWIW, five months past DDay, I work at not thinking of her because it makes her important or real, if I do, and I don't even want to think she walks the earth like the rest of us do. I don't want her to be real, but probably it would have been another one as he was out seeking revenge and a "good time".
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Had OW walked away and refused to take part in hurting me and my daughter, then WH would have been forced to deal with his issues.
Then again, he could have gone out and found someone else to give him that ego boost....but that still doesn't excuse any OW. OW was an enabler if you ask me. I imagine a world where all potential OW just walk away and refuse to get involved and then the BH are faced with themselves head on. Will never happen but enablers are never guilt free in my opinion.
I do blame howorker. She KNEW he was married with kids and aggressively pursued him without a thought to the lives she was destroying. She got him drunk and dragged him to a hotel room. She is absolutely to blame, she even admitted it to me. That doesn't mean I think WH is blameless, not at all. But she carries an equal load in that situation.
Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
That's not to say I think the OW were blameless, because they weren't. But I know with absolute certainty, if it hadn't have been them, it would have been others. It wasn't them... the ultimate responsibility rested on him.
Also my story included my BFF too. I am still amazed that he snuck out to go see her too. But I blame both because they both betrayed me. The OW betrayed my friendship. I blame her for lying to me, and being a fake.
That does not mean I blame my WH less. I blame him for betraying me too. And he has to live with me everyday, so he gets to deal with this mess a lot more.
Affairs are wrong.
My WH had and A...he was wrong.
MOW had an A with my WH...she was wrong.
When two people knowingly do something wrong they are equally to blame.
I only wish MOW had to endure my wrath on a daily basis because I would have gladly doled that out equally.
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 11:06 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
is there something wrong with me that I blame him more ?????
Because some of us vent about the OP, and place even SOME blame on the OP, seems to be interpreted by some as mainly blaming the OP, and then we get told that that person didn't make vows to us...so of course that makes them neutral and essentially blamesless.
In the same way, I'm not supposed to blame a robber for burglarizing the neighborhood, he didn't vow to any of us that he wouldn't do that, so what is the big deal? Bad people are bad people and I think it is fine to blame them for whatever they have done, including attempting to break up marriages, even though it takes two to have an A.
The filthy trailer trash whore from my case pursued him when he was out of his mind with grief after losing his mother and DD. She directly lied to me, telling me she was looking to rent an apartment from me because her husband was "abusive" and she was leaving. She even tried to appeal to my sympathy, asking if I would lower the rent to make it more affordable to her! All the while, she was planning for it to be a love nest for her and my H.
And then I hear the argument if I refer to the whore as filthy trailer trash, I must have the same ugly words for my own H! I disagree. I decided to stay with my H based on his extreme remorse. I realized early on that I must be able to forgive him completely if I want a happy marriage with him, for my own sake as well as his. If what he did is unforgivable, then the decision (for me) would be to divorce. He has worked extremely hard to earn back my trust, along with forgiveness, and I feel good about my decision to give him another chance. He has been a wonderful H to me in the 7 years since his A.
The whore? I highly doubt she is remorseful. She is angry that she got caught, he threw her under the bus, and she had to go skulking back to her original meal ticket (the supposedly abusive H). I have never seen the point of forgiving someone who is not even sorry for what they did, so she remains a subhuman trailer trash whore in my book.
[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 2:24 AM, June 17th (Monday)]