I posted a few days ago about our assessment with the MC. I felt she was blameshifting a bit, but I talked my feelings over with my WS and he pointed out that she was in fact blaming him, that he, "started it" in a sense. The thread is around if you'd like to have a look. I don't think she was blameshifting in retrospect, it was my older guilt over some stuff which made me very defensive. He has also repeatedly used, "I was depressed" as his sole reason/excuse for why he cheated, and he finally admitted on Wednesday that's not the whole picture, and he was in fact very angry at me during that time for reasons we need to explore, which I knew, as his anger was palpable. But this is progress as he has always shut down conversation of, "why" with depression.
Anyway, I have been off work since Wednesday and so my WS. And we've honestly had the best few days since DD. The MC session (although she is being frustratingly hard to get hold of) seems to have opened up something in him, and in me. Just hearing him sit there and say the words, to someone else, has helped me a lot, I think.
And more importantly, HE actually said stuff. HE initiated stuff. HE has been the person who's been calling her to arrange continuing our sessions. He even told a friend- a friend who knew nothing about any of this (the ones that do are the ones I told- too many, to be honest) about what was happening and talked it over with him as he and his ex had been to counselling too. This is a big step because one of the most damaging things in our R has been his shame, shame so great it shuts him down and he shouts at me when it gets too much. For him to actively talk to someone else about something he is so ashamed is a big step. He has been avoiding people because of this.
I haven't triggered that much in the past few days either and when I have, he's sat next to me and asked me if I'm okay. And i talk about it, and it helps. I had been doing this already but often my triggering led us into long, cylical discussions.
We've spent a lot of time together, just doing, "stuff", having fun, and it's been nice. He has been very affectionate and loving, and I have been tentatively returning his affection. Which is progress, as I was literally flinching at his touch for a long time, and have had trouble looking into his eyes (still do, though). He has said what he wants from MC is for us to be together for ever and get through this, but if I find this is too much, if it does turn out to be a dealbreaker, he'll always love me, I'll still be the one, and he knows I'll be happy. On Wednesday night he cried twice at two different songs and hugged me and held me and told me he was sorry and that he loved me.
And now I'm back to work tomorrow, and so is he, at his nightshifts. That's always hard, but for now, I'm sitting here, quite comfy and content, and feeling okay.
Just wanted to share.
