I just didn expect to feel so alone today. I was surprised at how hard Mother's Day was, even with the kids, so I planned on keeping busy today. The trouble came when I got some food. I decided to hit up Applebee's for a margarita and a dinner and sitting alone surrounded by all those families out celebrating really did me in. I had to go have a quick cry in the bathroom. My own fault, I should know by now to recognize what's going to be a trigger. I just didn't expect Father's Day to affect me, it's not a day for me, I didn't think I would feel a loss.
My mom says I need to experience one year of being alone, have each day of the year under my belt before I can have a handle on what's happened to me. I think it makes sense. Most days I'm ok. I don't want him back, I can't even picture taking him back - it's just not possible. Having that door closed finally has allowed me to take a breath and stop looking backwards at frantically trying to fix a broken marriage with a broken man and instead look forwards to a future of repairing myself and anticipating happiness again. I know that, logically, in my mind, but sometimes I'm just so sad and heartbroken at what I've lost, what he's taken from me. It catches me completely unawares sometimes, I feel the pain and realization hit me with the force of the wind being knocked out of me and I have to retreat from whatever situation I'm in and just give into the mourning.
I just want to feel whole again, to feel like myself. To be able to laugh woth friends and be lighthearted without having the realization of my reality hit me with the force of a brick as soon as I stop smiling, as if punishing me for forgetting for even a moment. I don't want to think about him every moment, he seems to be permanently in my consciousness and he doesn't deserve that anymore.
Edited for typos :-)
[This message edited by Zamas at 7:03 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]
Their baby was born in Sept and they are happily househunting. He finally left 4/03.
I'm sorry. I just got done crying, too. It all of a sudden hit me that I have no one to talk & reminisce with about our kids & their babyhood. I didn't anyway, not really, he wasn't here & he despised the children so much to begin with. Still, I realized that I have no one with memories of the same events as me. When I think of my children's father there's no warmth or fondness. He didn't even want the kids to begin with.
Like you, I didn't expect to be crying today.
[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 7:13 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]
From my limited experience, I agree with your mother. Get 1 year of the firsts out of the way before doing anything.. dating, making any major life decisions or major life changes.
I didn't do that when my marriage imploded, and I paid for it when my relationship with XSO ended. The hurt was much worse.. My feeling is it was pain from both relationships happening all at once.
My one year antiversary is coming up.
It gets easier to deal, and I am feeling more whole than I have in a long time. It does get better, hand in here.
I am sorry that you were feeling alone today.
And you are right. He doesn't deserve to be in your consciousness every moment or even very often.
The early ones were hard from a nostalgia point of view - the later ones from a deep, dripping regret for having married and having children with him. The regret is easier to cope with than the sads.
Be gentle with yourself.
I don't know if this will help anyone, but here's my take on these holidays or markers of time.
All weekend I geared myself up for spending time with my father. While I did help DD purchase some inexpensive gifts (gift cards) for Perv, I did not dwell on them. I did not prepare in any way or sign them but let her. While she got her stuff ready, I did some prep for my own father and centered my thoughts on him.
I struggle with getting along with him as he is authoritarian to this day (I am 40 and still called "little girl"!), but I spent the afternoon and indulged him. I just sat and listened and let him drone on with things I have heard for my whole life and normally am tired of.
I got him a large hanging annual mix of plants as he is working on making a patio and he can hang it there. I chose lots of red because when he goes to the cemetery on memorial day he chooses red annuals for his own father and I told him that idea. While in the other room setting the table, I heard him share the idea with his GF and heard him exclaiming over the plant and for a short time, my heart was warm and able to forget the rest of my life.
What dawned on me overnight on Father's Day Eve is that it's not about our spouses, it's about our parents. I spent the last year of occasions in mourning and don't want to anymore.
Mother's Day was excrutiating as I hadn't had that light bulb yet, but we did mother/daughter things and that's where I put my thoughts. It really helped not let him ruin more of our time and to let some of his influence be removed.
If we are people who no longer have our father in our lives, there are other things we can do. We can go down memory lane with photos and such or if that's too hard, maybe volunteer somewhere at a shelter where other people may be alone, too.
It really helped me to see how much of life I had made about the man who turned out to be so rotten.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
I am so glad that you are able to find support in your mom.
The past few weeks have been more difficult for me as well. I find that it's not so bad if I let myself feel sad instead of rushing the healing, which I have certainly done more often than not.
Thinking of you.
[This message edited by stronggirl72 at 11:51 AM, June 17th (Monday)]