SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

nf812 posted 6/16/2013 22:37 PM

I have been haunted by my wife's infidelity for about 10 months now. We have stayed together, but it is not the same. We tried counseling, but I could never find a counselor that I thought was helpful. She has her own counselor now.
Anyway, I found out because her AP's wife told me. I knew something was going on but she denied it and since I had no proof I left it alone - until boom I find out. The other couple is also staying together. Anyway, what was disclosed was not the whole truth - I knew it and I wouldn't leave it alone. Now I know it all and I get to have the whole movie play over and over again in my head. Almost everything is a trigger. For Fk's sake, her saying she loves me is a f'n trigger. She is so attentive and acting like a perfect wife now, but I can't look past the damage. She wants to move on together. I tell that I am not ready to move on and she tells me she understands, but I feel like she is impatient waiting for me to put this behind me. Unfortunately, I guess for both of us, I can't.

FieldsOfLavender posted 6/16/2013 22:46 PM

Maybe it's time to live apart for awhile - a trial separation so that both of you can think live independently and clear your thoughts, especially you.

Marley76 posted 6/16/2013 22:58 PM

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I too feel the stinging pain of betrayal. It plays on a running loop from morning till night. No matter how many of these heartbreaking posts I read. I am shocked. I'm starting to see how ugly and cruel both men and woman can be. really...it's so f*cked up...what kind of person does this?I'm sorry for venting on your post. Please know that you are not alone and there are good people in this world. May love and light be with you friend.

Emptyshelldad posted 6/16/2013 23:12 PM

it's hard bro. I'm the same way. they always get better after they betray you so hard, you don't care for them the same way anymore.

BlindSighted2013 posted 6/16/2013 23:52 PM

Anyway, what was disclosed was not the whole truth - I knew it and I wouldn't leave it alone.

It's not a bad thing that you wouldn't leave it alone. I think that it shows that you are done living in any sort of denial and are ready to deal with the issues head on. We can't have any sort of reconciliation or healing as a couple until all of the ugly truths are out. I am coming to realize that that choice is the harder road to hoe, but also the healthier, irregardless of the outcomes that we face.

This has thrown my world off of its axis and definitely rocked my WH's world.

You've said it in a nutshell...no matter what we do, our world will never be the same. That sux big time, and it isn't our fault, but we have to pay the price.

Each day since d-day, WH has asked me where do we go from here. Each day, my answer is the same...I can commit to one more day, and that's all that i can commit to right now.

kick1363 posted 6/17/2013 04:49 AM

hi nf,

i know where your coming from my dd was about 2 years ago now, found out my ww was having an A knocked me off my feet is an understatement, we have been to hell and back in the last 2 years. things you wouldnt imagine can trigger you off, my ww once kissed me on the bridge of the nose. i freaked she didnt understand why i responded by saying in 20 years you have never done that !. As i said we have been in r for 2 years but about 8 months into r i moved out for 4 months went to live with a relative, we still saw each other regularly as i needed to be with the kids also. It really helped and gradually we managed to spend more time together and now are back as a family should be. My WW made a commitment to the r and has never had any contact with the OM. I would say im one of the lucky ones but the truely lucky people are the ones who never have to deal with this and never end up at this site. If R is what you truely belive is best for you it takes lots and lots of work and forgiveness. the building of trust is what takes time. will i fully trust my ww again ? I hope so , she has never once since given me reason not to, being open and honest about everything.
what ever happens in your relationship and life i hope you find some happiness. being through this we have all had misery in our lives.

1Faith posted 6/17/2013 11:48 AM

Healing is a process and time is the ugly four letter word. You will have good days and horrible days but I promise it does get better.

One way or another you will get to the point where R is a possibility or you may get to the point where the A is a deal breaker. And you will probably vacillate between the two for some time.

I went from "yes, we can do this" to "I can't do this" so many times for the first 14 months I was driving myself crazy.

You are correct. Your wife is the source of your pain. She is your biggest trigger. That is a fact. Learning to focus on other things besides the mind movies is hard.

Some have suggested visualizing a stop sign. Or thinking about winning the lottery - what you would do.

Give yourself a break and remind yourself that the A does not have to define you. You define you.

I am including the general timeline of recovery so you know you are completely normal for feeling what you are feeling.

Good timeline I found on another site...Hope this helps..

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.

Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself.

The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks.

You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

Good luck. Keep moving.

Nailinmyforehead posted 6/17/2013 13:21 PM

nf, Just wanted you to know you have been heard. 4 1/2 months out in R with my WW, and I empathize with how you are feeling. This is a tough road.

nf812 posted 6/18/2013 11:12 AM

Thanks for the posts. I have young children and I have been able, at my own emotional expense, to keep this from them. So I can't separate. We have an anniversary coming up and I know she is going to want to "celebrate" it, but I have no desire to celebrate a broken marriage. Even if we reconcile, I am sure, wedding memories/anniversaries will always be a trigger making me think of the betrayal.