So, things were going very well here. Had a great weekend; spoiled him rotten for Father's Day, which he really appreciated. Then last night was tainted by a very old problem.
My H has never been good at doing what he says he will do. Some of it is procrastination. Some perhaps control issues. Some probably just saying anything to shut me up. Whatever. Over the years this has been very frustrating for both of us. I dealt with it by expecting less and less from him, because otherwise I was a "nag" and he would withdraw. I would do things myself, hire out things like lawn care, do without, write lists for stuff that was unavoidable. He has gotten a bit better over the years and is pretty good at getting stuff done at work, where he is in charge.
But now this is the "new" M and he is asking me to hold him to a higher standard and I am less willing to " settle". The issue has come up in regards to his doing work around his issues. He says he will read this or that, write answers to questions, do this or that and then not do it. I complain here or in MC and I'm told ( as is he) that people must control their own therapy, especially with CSA. My H grabbed on to that with both hands, I'll tell you! So I've agreed not to ask about the CSA work but still have expectations with the A work. The books remain mostly unread.
Currently we are dealing with his surgeon leaving abruptly, which leaves our summer plans up in the air. I have asked him about placing an ad for a replacement for over a week. Plus he needs to send an email to a relief doctor. Neither of those things can I do and both could be accomplished in an hour total. I have told him that I feel anxious with the prospect of his being on call for the foreseeable future, when we are still vulnerable and need to spend time together. He has promised to do these things, with the last promise being this weekend just passed.
True to form, he didn't do it. As I was spoiling him I told him to feel free to take time away to get what he needed to done. Yet last night in bed I realized that he hadn't done these things and got a bit angry. He got defensive and did his typical response--"You're grinding me, you're trying to make me feel guilty, I'll do it tomorrow." This time I didn't let it go. I calmly told him that in order to feel safe I need him to be a man of his word and do what he says he'll do (and not do what he says he won't!). I asked him to do some work on this issue to see what is stopping him from following through.
He agreed that he is the only one who can fix this issue and that asking me to diminish my expectations is not fair.
But since this is a lifelong habit I realize it will be hard to break and I am not holding my breath. This is not a deal breaker for me, but it would be enormously helpful if this could be improved.
Any insight? Thank you.