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Why does a cheating spouse have to hurt so completely

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CATransplant posted 6/17/2013 06:23 AM

I just found out about my spouse's cheating and I am crushed. He has not only taken away all of my security but made it impossible to see my family because of my inability to hide what I am feeling. I don't understand any of this. I doubt everything I do and thought all these years. I no longer trust myself. I don't even know where to turn. I feel lucky to have found this site. Just knowing I am not alone does help alot.

[This message edited by CATransplant at 6:54 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

MovingUpward posted 6/17/2013 07:21 AM

Welcome CATransplant

Your feelings at this stage are very familiar to many. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that your spouse's cheating is not your fault. It was your spouse's decision to cheat. No matter what else was going on in the marriage, that was still your spouse's choice. And your spouse needs to understand why that path was chosen, why infidelity trumped marriage. That is their work to be done.

Since you feel the need to hide from your family right now because of this (I understand, BTDT), please reach out here and share your story, your fears, your questions, and anything else. Also read read read read. Also don't be afraid to post advice or support either.

Read in the healing library, and most importantly eat, keep hydrated, sleep and exercise. Allowing your physical self to collapse as your emotional self is having to deal with this is not helpful.


1Faith posted 6/17/2013 11:27 AM

Dear Cat

I can feel your broken heart! I know that ache. We all do.

I can't express how sorry I am you are going through this, but I can tell you, it will get better.

It is so hard to find your happiness again, but you can. It's out there. You just don't know what it looks like yet.

Finding a good therapist is a strong step forward to healing. Sometimes, just the act of reaching out for help empowers you.

You began that road when you posted here. You can't just "get over it". You gotta work through it. This is a very safe and compassionate place to be as you work through it all.

Your WH's decision to cheat has nothing to do with you. There is no excuse for infidelity.

It is not about what you husband was getting; it is about what he wasn't giving.

When I first decided to take back control of my own happiness after DDay, I used this mantra: Hold your head up, be strong, you did nothing wrong!

Writing here is very cathartic. Sometimes just typing your thoughts helps you process the mess. It can bring a little clarity to a completely unclear and unbelievable situation.

Plus, this place is just full of very kind and caring people that totally get it!

Please remember to take care of you. This kind of pain takes a wicked toll on the body and soul.

Keep moving. We are rooting for you.


1Faith posted 6/17/2013 11:29 AM


If you need to see your family do so. You need all the support you can get.

This is not your lie to keep.

1Faith posted 6/17/2013 12:05 PM

You are experience Post Traumatic Stress and the highs and lows are normal. We used to call it the roller coaster from hell.

I read every word I could find. I got an education in adultery that I never thought I would need. It was my survival.

I learned this was HIS choice and had NOTHING to do with me, or our marraige. My husband simply chose to escape his personal problems in fantasty land. It was ANY body, she was not important.

What was important was the excitment of the affair, the belief that he was so irresitable. What he learned was that a woman that would sleep with a married man, would sleep with ANY man. Neither of them were special.

Or as my husband later learned to describe himself, he was a special idiot.

Please write here often and share your feelings we all care about you and will always do our best to help you through to healing.

Ask questions and read all the posts.

Eventually one day you will be writing here to help someone new. You will share what you have learned and hold out your hand in understanding.

Till then please write whatever is in your heart and someone will always be here for you.

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