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NotsureIcan posted 6/17/2013 08:08 AM

So my WH and I are 7 months from d-day. I can't stop going back to the "why". We are in MC & IC but I feel like I am losing it!! I can't stay in the present for more than a few hours at a time.
We did the HB thing for a while now our sex life is just "oh whatever" it seems like a job more than something I want to do. My guess would be that it's the same for him. I see him so distracted, on anything he can find to be distracted on. I constantly pull him " out of a hole". He says that's usually because he feels bad about himself so he "zones out". I feel like I can't do this for even one more day.
i have the OW in my head, even though there has been NC since d-day I always think he will secretly somehow talk to her.
I check all of his records. Can't find anything. However I do sense that he's tired of me talking about the A. He says no but he's a good pretender. I feel I am damaging what good has been done. I want out!!! At the same time I don't want to give up!! HELP

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/17/2013 08:39 AM

However I do sense that he's tired of me talking about the A. He says no but he's a good pretender. I feel I am damaging what good has been done.

I'm not familiar with your story, or how you feel R is going, whether your WH (ETA: I'd written BH) is truly remorseful, etc. But as a WW, I hate to see you beat yourself up. We WSs need to talk about the As as much and as long as our BSs want us to. Tired of it? Maybe, but too bad. You're tired of having OW in your head, right? BH put her there--not you.

Why do you think you feel obligated to keep pulling him out of the hole? If it's exhausting...why not quit?

ETA: I mean quit pulling him out of the hole, not quit the M.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 5:20 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

outtanowhere posted 6/17/2013 08:44 AM

Notsosure,

I totally get where you are coming from. We are just 4 months out from d-day & even tho we are having longer periods of relative calm before derailment occurs again, I'm still uncertain about what's ahead for us.

What I do know is that I do not want to look back at this time in my life and have any doubt that I was true to myself & my family. We are in IC & MC so we are just beginning to scratch the surface of some of the things that lead us here. It will be grueling work but, I have this chance to be a better person with or without him so I'm taking it.

I don't even know why I am considering staying after the incredibly shitty thing he did but, I love my family an he is a part of that circle and I'm simply not ready to disrupt my children's lives right now.

Take it slow & be patient with yourself. I believe my H is trying although, I expect much more of him than he is able and/or willing to do which in turn sets me up for a lot of disappointments but, that's me.

I really don't have any advice for when to pull the trigger on the marriage since I'm not very far behind you & haven't even made that decision for myself. I've read & tried to learn what I can & just this past weekend was able to clearly define my boundaries to him. If he wants to stay in a relationship with me he must respect my boundaries. If he does not then, that will make the decision for me but, as long as he does then I will stay & try.

It's hard to try to help someone when you are struggling so hard as well but, this is what I can offer you right now. Defining those boundaries gave me a true peace and calmness as opposed to the anxious wreck I've been for the last 4 months. He knows without question what will happen if he violates them and it will make it a relatively easy decision for me.

Sending you cyber hugs & hopes for strength today!

NotsureIcan posted 6/17/2013 08:49 AM

Oh I can promise you that my WH knows what will happen if he lies about anything.... There will be no questions, I will divorce him.
He is remorseful, he is doing everything right and yes I expect more than is probably humanly possible. When someone on here told me 7 months is the angry zone, they were right. I feel like I could rip him to pieces! At 4 months I was much better.... Ugh! Holding on by a mere thread!

lostworld posted 6/17/2013 09:20 AM

I know you hate to hear it, but you are still in early days. It takes so very long to find your way through this, and even once you do, the emotions take even longer to remain settled and consistent.

As for the "why", it really isn't you who needs to find it; that is your WH's job. I think your job is to either accept it or not, and to decide what that decision means to you--how it drives your actions and thoughts. I will say that understanding my H's "why" was an ever-evolving, ever-deepening growth experience for both of us. And while that growth brings more and more comfort, trust, and day to day awareness, it was never a "silver bullet." Just knowing the "why" didn't bring us back together in the healthiest sense, but what we did with the "why" did help to finally restore us. Additionally, the "why" took one hell of a long time to really discover and work with.

I agree that after HB a return to anything different or less feels uncomfortable; although sometimes it felt like a relief to find some normalcy in all of this. For what it's worth, I have also learned that in my case, our sex life builds on itself. If we don't stay engaged and active with it, my desire becomes less and less which makes our intimacy less and less, which makes worry about our relationship increase, which makes doubt about our future increase, which...you get the picture. For me, I have learned to feel close, I have to be close, but that doesn't always have to mean sex. It can mean spending time engaging in great conversations, cuddling on the couch, sharing laughter, enjoying quiet time on our deck, etc. Sometimes, during the hardest times after Dday, it meant slogging through a tough and meaningful therapy session together, or discussing the A together where my H understood that I needed his help, patience, and complete support--and provided it.

I understand your WH's desire to move on, or zone out, but honestly, that's great for him, but awful for you. I do agree that he may need some time to just sit peacefully with you, but that's a tall order this soon after Dday. Sure, it'd be wonderful if you could provide that for him, but it may be understandably too soon for that to happen; I bet you'd like nothing more than to sit peacefully with yourself and him too. I'd encourage you to look for positive moments with your WH and to bask in them, if you can make that happen. If you can't, it doesn't mean it will never happen, just that it isn't happening right now.

It's really not your job to pull your WH out of anything. That can become a distraction that keeps you both away from your own healing. It's not up to you to comfort or soothe your WH, and if you repeatedly do that, he will never confront his issues or heal himself. Nothing will really change for, or about, him if he doesn't have to do the work.

Fears of renewed contact with the OW are common, as are your thoughts of her. Continual checking makes sense and will decrease every time you find him innocent. I know you're exhausted and sometimes just want out. That too is common, and may or may not be how this will all end up. My advice, again for what it's worth, is to accept yourself and the ups and downs that come with infidelity; you don't have to make any permanent decisions right now, so give yourself permission to take things a day at a time. Also allow yourself to seek and obtain what you need to feel better and heal. Don't sweep things under the rug to make anyone feel better in the moment, don't be silent when you need support or something different than what you're getting. Stay in both IC and MC, and make sure each is moving at a pace and in a direction that you need.

And one final piece of advice that I completely failed to master until year 2 or 3 of R: when you can, try to express your anger in healthy ways. This is not so much about your WH, but about you. When I "lost" it, the shame and ensuing regret just added to my pile of crap to wade through. When I acted in assertive yet honest ways, I was proud of myself and it strengthened me. It also prompted the best results from my H. He couldn't dismiss me as irrational, or rush in to attend to my emotional overload; he was forced to really hear me and to attend to his own emotions and behaviors.

Hang in there NotsureIcan. It really is early days, and you will find your way. Every passing day, while painful, is a day closer to healing.

NotsureIcan posted 6/17/2013 14:58 PM

Lostworld. Thank you a million! I see that you had a period of false R. I did too but didnt know about te A at the time! If you can do it I think I can too!!