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Newest Member: dylan123 (46056)

User Topic: What do you do for connection?
WhatsRight
♀ 35417
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For all of you who are unconnected to your WS, what do you do for connection?

I have an either unremorseful or unable to 'make it right' WS. (Probably qualifys as a FWS). I am the type of person who CRAVES connection.

I miss the physical connection, but I simiply can't live without emotional connection. And, sadly, my husband is emotionally unavailable to me - also to himself. Sad.

But in addition to it being so sad for him to be living his life with an emotional condom on, it is sad, too, for me.

I let him know a few weeks ago that if he couldn't give me come connection emotionally, that I would have to get that need met elsewhere.

I don't want to have an EA. I do not even consider having a PA. But I am so empty. I can't live without connection.

I wish there was a resourse for this - other than keeping busy, getting involved, etc. I need a partner - a person who sees me on the inside. This is what my WS was to / for me before we started to grow apart - and all this infidelity crap.

Until her recent death, I actually used my dog for this outlet. She knew all my secrets, and always knew when I was sad. Always there for me. But she recently died, and it was my fault. So that's another sadness.

Any concrete ideas for what to do with this need?

I don't want to put my kids in the position of filling this need - besides they are teenagers and don't like me most days. Raising my kids as a stay home mom has put my family in the center of my life and now that they are teenagers and my husband and I are so distant, I just feel so alone.

I am so very lonely.

Thank you all for being here.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:50 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
cancuncrushed
♀ 28156
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our stories are very similiar. I too was stay at home mom. We are now empty nesters, last child in college. ANd also, my 15 yr dog passed. I considered getting another. Our disconnection is due to me. I am empty. I did 180, and it seems I am really far out. I cant and dont want to even love a dog. I think its walls, and I dont want to be hurt by anyone. When we get close or joking, a quick thought passes thru my head every time. You did this to us. and I am changed.I dont know you anymore. I am searching, reading, doing my hobbies to extreme hrs. THe hobby has helped alot, busy is great. Books have also helped. Self therapy. It has helped me personally, to understand, but the walls remain. I dont know anything anymore. All my loves are gone. ANd I dont feel I can do it again. I dont feel like I am moving forward. I feel I am moving in obsessive patterns. I have been hurt by so many all at the same time. Connection? we try to spend time together. Eat out. We love to talk on porch. Talk of our family. Plan trips. I'm trying. The mistrust is huge and I cant trust to love.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 1113 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I remember, I'll do something for my W, since her #1 love language is 'acts of service'. I'll also touché her, since physical touch is my preferred LL.

My W comes to me, gets my attention, and says something variation of, 'Let's connect,' or she gives me physical strokes.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:22 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10772 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
scangel3
♀ 36164
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same boat, also told my WH if he couldn't give me the emotional connection I need I would have to find it somewhere else. My kids are little so they do fill that emotional void in my heart sometimes, but as they grow up and don't need me as much i'm not going to have that either.

I read a lot! Books full of romance, hot sex and couples that I just lose myself in. it keeps my mind off my unemotional marriage most of the time, but then there are times I wish I could have a sliver of that with someone, the love and connection they share in the books.

They have done this to our hearts and then emotional stay distant after the A is over, I just don't get it!


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
huRtZ413
♀ 39214
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do you think its bad to light up when someone else notices you ? just a Q....im feel kinda guilty of that now but i know to keep my distance because im not a WS. (not trying to seem cruel)



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
MartlArts
♀ 36130
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/j to hurtz - if by "light up when someone notices you" you mean strangers whistling on the street, I'd say that's a harmless ego lift and no problem. But if you're lighting up over a connection with someone you know, that's a slippery slope to EA. I recommend reading Not Just Friends if you haven't already done so.


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
WhatsRight
♀ 35417
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure where the 'lighting up when someone notices me' came from. Sorry to be dense.

Noone notices me - I am an old woman. I want a deep connection with someone - I'd prefer it to be with my husband. But I need a friend - the kind that knows you inside out. My only problem is that I can't share about the infidelity - so...

I guess I don't even know what I am saying.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
WhatsRight
♀ 35417
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon,

My W comes to me, gets my attention, and says something variation of, 'Let's connect,' or she gives me physical strokes

This is really nice - but there is no talking, no touching - nothing between us. Except 'housekeeping' things about dinner, or the kids. Its not that I haven't ask for it - I have done that for many years...even before his infidelity.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
huRtZ413
♀ 39214
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to martlarts: nobody in particular just random ppl that compliment me , i used to pay no mind before the A but now it reminds me that im not unwanted .



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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