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What do you do for connection?

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WhatsRight posted 6/17/2013 09:47 AM

For all of you who are unconnected to your WS, what do you do for connection?

I have an either unremorseful or unable to 'make it right' WS. (Probably qualifys as a FWS). I am the type of person who CRAVES connection.

I miss the physical connection, but I simiply can't live without emotional connection. And, sadly, my husband is emotionally unavailable to me - also to himself. Sad.

But in addition to it being so sad for him to be living his life with an emotional condom on, it is sad, too, for me.

I let him know a few weeks ago that if he couldn't give me come connection emotionally, that I would have to get that need met elsewhere.

I don't want to have an EA. I do not even consider having a PA. But I am so empty. I can't live without connection.

I wish there was a resourse for this - other than keeping busy, getting involved, etc. I need a partner - a person who sees me on the inside. This is what my WS was to / for me before we started to grow apart - and all this infidelity crap.

Until her recent death, I actually used my dog for this outlet. She knew all my secrets, and always knew when I was sad. Always there for me. But she recently died, and it was my fault. So that's another sadness.

Any concrete ideas for what to do with this need?

I don't want to put my kids in the position of filling this need - besides they are teenagers and don't like me most days. Raising my kids as a stay home mom has put my family in the center of my life and now that they are teenagers and my husband and I are so distant, I just feel so alone.

I am so very lonely.

Thank you all for being here.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:50 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

cancuncrushed posted 6/17/2013 12:53 PM

Our stories are very similiar. I too was stay at home mom. We are now empty nesters, last child in college. ANd also, my 15 yr dog passed. I considered getting another. Our disconnection is due to me. I am empty. I did 180, and it seems I am really far out. I cant and dont want to even love a dog. I think its walls, and I dont want to be hurt by anyone. When we get close or joking, a quick thought passes thru my head every time. You did this to us. and I am changed.I dont know you anymore. I am searching, reading, doing my hobbies to extreme hrs. THe hobby has helped alot, busy is great. Books have also helped. Self therapy. It has helped me personally, to understand, but the walls remain. I dont know anything anymore. All my loves are gone. ANd I dont feel I can do it again. I dont feel like I am moving forward. I feel I am moving in obsessive patterns. I have been hurt by so many all at the same time. Connection? we try to spend time together. Eat out. We love to talk on porch. Talk of our family. Plan trips. I'm trying. The mistrust is huge and I cant trust to love.

sisoon posted 6/17/2013 13:22 PM

If I remember, I'll do something for my W, since her #1 love language is 'acts of service'. I'll also touché her, since physical touch is my preferred LL.

My W comes to me, gets my attention, and says something variation of, 'Let's connect,' or she gives me physical strokes.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:22 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

scangel3 posted 6/17/2013 13:37 PM

I'm in the same boat, also told my WH if he couldn't give me the emotional connection I need I would have to find it somewhere else. My kids are little so they do fill that emotional void in my heart sometimes, but as they grow up and don't need me as much i'm not going to have that either.

I read a lot! Books full of romance, hot sex and couples that I just lose myself in. it keeps my mind off my unemotional marriage most of the time, but then there are times I wish I could have a sliver of that with someone, the love and connection they share in the books.

They have done this to our hearts and then emotional stay distant after the A is over, I just don't get it!

huRtZ413 posted 6/17/2013 15:53 PM

do you think its bad to light up when someone else notices you ? just a feel kinda guilty of that now but i know to keep my distance because im not a WS. (not trying to seem cruel)

MartlArts posted 6/17/2013 16:09 PM

T/j to hurtz - if by "light up when someone notices you" you mean strangers whistling on the street, I'd say that's a harmless ego lift and no problem. But if you're lighting up over a connection with someone you know, that's a slippery slope to EA. I recommend reading Not Just Friends if you haven't already done so.

WhatsRight posted 6/17/2013 16:27 PM

I'm not sure where the 'lighting up when someone notices me' came from. Sorry to be dense.

Noone notices me - I am an old woman. I want a deep connection with someone - I'd prefer it to be with my husband. But I need a friend - the kind that knows you inside out. My only problem is that I can't share about the infidelity - so...

I guess I don't even know what I am saying.

WhatsRight posted 6/17/2013 16:28 PM


My W comes to me, gets my attention, and says something variation of, 'Let's connect,' or she gives me physical strokes

This is really nice - but there is no talking, no touching - nothing between us. Except 'housekeeping' things about dinner, or the kids. Its not that I haven't ask for it - I have done that for many years...even before his infidelity.

huRtZ413 posted 6/17/2013 16:58 PM

to martlarts: nobody in particular just random ppl that compliment me , i used to pay no mind before the A but now it reminds me that im not unwanted .

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