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6 Months - Am I doing enough?

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thecaves posted 6/17/2013 10:24 AM

We are now a bit over 6 months from d-day now and I feel like things are going okay. But, I am concerned that I have become complacent and maybe I am not doing enough.
During the first few months, I read fully a few books, read and posted on SI regularly, had very long deep discussions with my BS, went to MC weekly, and really focused on making some serious changes in my life and my behavior. Now, I donít devote as much time to reading, we attend MC about every 2 to 3 weeks, and our talks are more sporadic. Also, our MC sessions have not completely focused on the A or our marriage and have a few times drifted to topics of dealing with our children.
The changes I have put into place have stuck. I realized that I had a general lack of respect for my BS and did not put her and our marriage first but now I do and will continue to do. I also realized that porn was a big issue and when compounded with flirtatious activity we both had with some close friends was a recipe for disaster. I realized that porn did not need to be in my life and simply donít view it or think about it period. We also both act very differently in our friendships and continue to make sure we only have friends of the marriage. We also do much more together and continue to do new things together we both enjoy. My BS also has full access to everything and I keep her updated as to my whereabouts often.
We use our MC as an IC as well though our individual sessions are rare. We both however bring up individual issues together and donít have problems speaking freely in front of one another so maybe not having regular alone time with the counselor is okay.
So in short, I struggle between thinking I am already doing everything needed and that maybe there is something else.
At 6 months from d-day, is there more I could be doing?

wanttogoforward posted 6/17/2013 10:38 AM

Ask her what you could be doing more of.... that will likely mean more to her than anything... you putting in the effort to make her feel loved and safe again.

forgivenesswins posted 6/17/2013 11:57 AM

Consider also, that at this point in recovery process a betrayed spouse may be approaching a very deep anger stage.
Stay true. Stay steadfast. Stay patient with your BS's moodswings.
It really is a roller coaster.

wifeno2 posted 6/17/2013 12:11 PM

As a BS it would have been helpful if my WS had initiated conversations, not just asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about. If you are doing work on yourself things are undoubtedly coming up-insights, memories, your own struggles and triggers-confide these to her. It builds intimacy, and trust. It also makes you accountable and keeps you from hiding things you are ashamed of. Which will help keep you from doing them again.

Also as you approach the 1 "antiversary" be aware that she is likely to be remembering what you were doing that time last year. She may remember what she was doing and have the realization that the A was going on then. She will start putting more things together. She will start remembering lies you told, fights you had, things you did during the A to keep the A hidden and going and justified. And she will be angry and hurt again. Be prepared.

And if she isn't talking to you about her feelings and what is going on with her you should be concerned...

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