He doesn't want me to talk about it . Doesnt want to bring anything up. Says that its his way of coping
Your way of coping was to fuck his close friend. Whose way sounds healthier?
You are saying (correct me if I'm wrong) you don't want this:
Act loving towards me, be how he thinks he should be to keep his family. Provide for us. be a good husband and father
In other words...it's not enough for him to be a good H, act loving toward you, and provide for you? What type of treatment, exactly, do you feel you deserve after what you did?
Am I just that fucked up that I can't see the benefit of letting it pass and believing it will be okay doing it his way.
Are you in IC? I'm not qualified to say how fucked up you are; what does your C say about your ongoing pity party?
But it's your response to those feelings which makes life around you better or worse. When an A is exposed, the intensity of it raises a whirlwind of questions. It also raises a desire on all parts to find a quick answer and solve for everything rapidly. That just can't happen with so much brokenness.
In a way, your IC is right. Nothing can be healed until you can heal from within. By digging until you get why you really did what you did, you are actually helping both of you in the long term. Once you fully get why you cheated, you can fix that part of yourself. Once you are a healed whole again, you can re-examine how life is with your BH and decide if that is the life you are willing to accept or not.
It all has to come in steps. Small, deliberate, painful but healing steps.
C figures I should worry about taking care of me more than my H. Cause there is nothing I can do except fix myself.
Yep. But, your post is all about you fretting over, or disapproving of, how your BH is handling this. Focus on you, instead of getting mad & bitching about how your H is coping, or that he won't read a book, or go to IC, or listen to your perspective. You admit your coping mechanisms suck: so how can you judge his? Instead of trying to encourage & support him: try being humble and genuinely remorseful, and accept that his anger toward you is a natural reaction.
You're a confused mess right now; I'm not judging you, I'm relating, because I'm right there with you. Keep working and hang in there.
He can't hear anything I say and its funny I ve brought up things from the past and he says thats not what he did and yet i talk to others who were there at the time and they see it as I describe it.???
Who are you talking to?
Does your husband know that you are going outside the marriage to discuss his "offenses?"
Do the people with whom you are speaking know about the A?
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
If his way of dealing with things isn't what you like or is a deal breaker, you can always leave. Nobody is forcing you to stay.
Why are you talking about your relationship with "others"? The "his side" and "my side" thing will never work. It'll make the divide that much greater.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
Both , I don't know its best. I dont know. All I am doing is reading and learning and everything I read says get it out, discuss it don't hide it. Ask questions etc. And he doesnt. So I'm afraid it will back to haunt us. Iam willing to answer to s=discuss and have repeated it over to him that I am not going anywhere. He's afraid I'll run if he tells me his thoughts. And says it easier for him not to discuss it. What do I do with that. I know I'm suppose to let him be and work on myself. But how do I do that . I'm starting to think maybe lol I have some codependency issues. How screwed up is that when i'm a f'n addiction counsellor, what a fucken joke I am.!!! Thank god I quit before I screwed up people too. Sorry. No filter on me today. I'm kinda glad my BH is at work saves him from my iBullshit
Stop deciding that what's good for *you* is what he needs.
Sorry if that sounds mean. You seem sincere in your desire to help your BH. And that's good. Keep up that effort!
FYI, I am a BW, so speaking from that perspective.
[This message edited by StrongerOne at 10:23 PM, June 17th (Monday)]
Hugs to you.