Well, I am very new to posting on this board (this is my first post). My wife has been a fairly regular poster on here since D-Day. I’ve been spending the past few weeks reading some of the threads throughout the various forums on here (and those that my wife sends me via email), and I feel that it’s about time to post my story, and how my actions have destroyed so much. One thing that my wife has to continually do is explain the acronyms to me, as they get a tad confusing (since some apparently are interchangeable). As such, I’m likely going to be writing out many of the words that could be better suited in acronym form…my apologies, since that will extend the length of my post.
I am not a good person….I want to start first and foremost with that. By the time you read my story, I am most certain that you will agree. ..but no one believes that more than me. First, some base info. My wife and I have been together for over 7 years: 2 years living with our respective families, 3 years living together in a relationship, and 2+ years married. We have a 21 month old daughter with a second on the way (find out the sex this coming Saturday). My wife is currently going to school for her nursing degree, in which she has been maintaining A’s since reenrolling in classes. I work for a food distribution company as a Sr. Bid Analyst. As I am sure I will post more to this later, I figure I’ll just get to what I did….I cheated on my wife….multiple times. Below are the events (there is more to this, but I wanted to get this out there first):
1) About 5 years ago, I received a text from an old girlfriend from high school. I hid my relationship that I was currently in from her, and started a sexting relationship with that woman
2) I eventually started talking to her friend, of which I did the same exact thing.
3) 3 years ago, my wife (girlfriend at the time) broke up for a while. During that time, I lied to everyone, family and friends (telling them I was going to Boston), but actually went to Texas to sleep with these women.
4) When I got back, I went to the city and picked up another woman, whom I saw a total of three times, and slept with her on all three occasions. During this time, I was also trying to get back with my now wife (this is an edit, as I had used the word ex, which wasn't right). I did sever all communication with that woman
5) I eventually regained contact w/ the original two women, but only started a sexting relationship AGAIN with the friend of the original person
6) About a year ago, I was in the city for a convention. During this time, I went to a bar and picked up a woman and did have a one-night stand.
7) About 4 months ago, I got involved in yet another sexting relationship w/ a woman from work. She is not in my office, but rather located at an office very far from here.
To repeat…I am not a good person. Both my wife and I are seeing individual therapists, and have recently started marriage counseling. We are working on our marriage. The ONLY good thing that’s come from all of this is that I am not longer in a position to lie anymore…I can’t lie anymore. I have absolutely no trust value at all, and as such, I cannot lie. And now, it’s no longer even that; I flat out have no desire to lie. Being truthful….it’s just easier.
I look back at the events that were happening before my wife knew, and how much of a hypocrite I was. Hearing about friends being cheated on, and me saying how bad the person was. Me continually lying to my wife about who I was texting…me lying to my daughter. Through discussions with my wife, I see all the memories I’ve tainted/destroyed. I see how much I’ve hurt my wife, family, friends. I look at my beautiful, innocent daughter….and I think, what is she going to think of me in 15 years, 20 years, 40 years? I think if I have a son, is he going to be like me…..I am a father who doesn’t want their own child to be like them…I don’t know if a man can get any lower than that. Many of these realizations, I didn’t have until my wife brought them to my attention. There is one huge problem with that…why didn’t I ever think of them, and if I did, why did it not stop me?
There are two questions that my wife asks me that are the hardest to answer:
1) How can you do this to someone you love
2) How can I know you’ll never do this again
My therapist and I came up with something to go along with an idea I had. My idea was that every single day, I was going to do something (big or little…or repeated) that would show my wife that I love her and that my family is what I want in my life. My therapist said to just write down all the things I like not only about my wife and family, but myself. Off of that, I can work on my idea. I see the gut-wrenching pain my wife is going through, and I never want to cause that pain to her or anyone again. The absolute hardest thing for me is hearing my daughter cry (or say huggie…huggie…huggie) when I leave the house (I lived with my grandmother for a week when this all went down, so my daughter knows something isn’t right….I’ve been living at home for a while now). Why didn’t becoming a father stop me….?
I’ll leave my first post with this. I made mistakes that are unforgivable, and I need to know what is going on with my head (that’s what my therapist is for). Through all of this, I still love my wife and my family. I have made a conscious decision to NOT be that scum I was before. My wife is an amazing woman, and everything I wanted, I had. I just didn’t fully realize it. I don’t deserve them…I don’t deserve my wife, daughter, unborn child, parents, family, friends…. I just don’t deserve any of them. But, I do feel with everything that I am, that there is hope. I will spend the rest of my life living for my family. God I love my family…. I will post more on this later. There is much more detail I will provide.
[This message edited by N3v3rG1v1ngUp at 4:40 PM, June 17th (Monday)]