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Multiple Mistakes....

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N3v3rG1v1ngUp posted 6/17/2013 11:30 AM

Well, I am very new to posting on this board (this is my first post). My wife has been a fairly regular poster on here since D-Day. I’ve been spending the past few weeks reading some of the threads throughout the various forums on here (and those that my wife sends me via email), and I feel that it’s about time to post my story, and how my actions have destroyed so much. One thing that my wife has to continually do is explain the acronyms to me, as they get a tad confusing (since some apparently are interchangeable). As such, I’m likely going to be writing out many of the words that could be better suited in acronym form…my apologies, since that will extend the length of my post.
I am not a good person….I want to start first and foremost with that. By the time you read my story, I am most certain that you will agree. ..but no one believes that more than me. First, some base info. My wife and I have been together for over 7 years: 2 years living with our respective families, 3 years living together in a relationship, and 2+ years married. We have a 21 month old daughter with a second on the way (find out the sex this coming Saturday). My wife is currently going to school for her nursing degree, in which she has been maintaining A’s since reenrolling in classes. I work for a food distribution company as a Sr. Bid Analyst. As I am sure I will post more to this later, I figure I’ll just get to what I did….I cheated on my wife….multiple times. Below are the events (there is more to this, but I wanted to get this out there first):
1) About 5 years ago, I received a text from an old girlfriend from high school. I hid my relationship that I was currently in from her, and started a sexting relationship with that woman
2) I eventually started talking to her friend, of which I did the same exact thing.
3) 3 years ago, my wife (girlfriend at the time) broke up for a while. During that time, I lied to everyone, family and friends (telling them I was going to Boston), but actually went to Texas to sleep with these women.
4) When I got back, I went to the city and picked up another woman, whom I saw a total of three times, and slept with her on all three occasions. During this time, I was also trying to get back with my now wife (this is an edit, as I had used the word ex, which wasn't right). I did sever all communication with that woman
5) I eventually regained contact w/ the original two women, but only started a sexting relationship AGAIN with the friend of the original person
6) About a year ago, I was in the city for a convention. During this time, I went to a bar and picked up a woman and did have a one-night stand.
7) About 4 months ago, I got involved in yet another sexting relationship w/ a woman from work. She is not in my office, but rather located at an office very far from here.
To repeat…I am not a good person. Both my wife and I are seeing individual therapists, and have recently started marriage counseling. We are working on our marriage. The ONLY good thing that’s come from all of this is that I am not longer in a position to lie anymore…I can’t lie anymore. I have absolutely no trust value at all, and as such, I cannot lie. And now, it’s no longer even that; I flat out have no desire to lie. Being truthful….it’s just easier.
I look back at the events that were happening before my wife knew, and how much of a hypocrite I was. Hearing about friends being cheated on, and me saying how bad the person was. Me continually lying to my wife about who I was texting…me lying to my daughter. Through discussions with my wife, I see all the memories I’ve tainted/destroyed. I see how much I’ve hurt my wife, family, friends. I look at my beautiful, innocent daughter….and I think, what is she going to think of me in 15 years, 20 years, 40 years? I think if I have a son, is he going to be like me…..I am a father who doesn’t want their own child to be like them…I don’t know if a man can get any lower than that. Many of these realizations, I didn’t have until my wife brought them to my attention. There is one huge problem with that…why didn’t I ever think of them, and if I did, why did it not stop me?
There are two questions that my wife asks me that are the hardest to answer:
1) How can you do this to someone you love
2) How can I know you’ll never do this again
My therapist and I came up with something to go along with an idea I had. My idea was that every single day, I was going to do something (big or little…or repeated) that would show my wife that I love her and that my family is what I want in my life. My therapist said to just write down all the things I like not only about my wife and family, but myself. Off of that, I can work on my idea. I see the gut-wrenching pain my wife is going through, and I never want to cause that pain to her or anyone again. The absolute hardest thing for me is hearing my daughter cry (or say huggie…huggie…huggie) when I leave the house (I lived with my grandmother for a week when this all went down, so my daughter knows something isn’t right….I’ve been living at home for a while now). Why didn’t becoming a father stop me….?
I’ll leave my first post with this. I made mistakes that are unforgivable, and I need to know what is going on with my head (that’s what my therapist is for). Through all of this, I still love my wife and my family. I have made a conscious decision to NOT be that scum I was before. My wife is an amazing woman, and everything I wanted, I had. I just didn’t fully realize it. I don’t deserve them…I don’t deserve my wife, daughter, unborn child, parents, family, friends…. I just don’t deserve any of them. But, I do feel with everything that I am, that there is hope. I will spend the rest of my life living for my family. God I love my family…. I will post more on this later. There is much more detail I will provide.

[This message edited by N3v3rG1v1ngUp at 4:40 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

Listeningclosely posted 6/17/2013 12:36 PM

First welcome to SI. Sorry you find yourself here, but glad you are taking advantage of one of the few places a WS can actually heal.

Now, on to your post...

First, stop referring to them as mistakes. A mistake is something you make when you make a choice and don't know the negative consequences. By doing the same behavior over and over again, it is no longer a mistake. It is a choice you made despite the consequences.

Second, how do we do this to someone we love? The actual answer is, in effect, we don't. We set aside the one we love and focus exclusively on self centered thoughts. We become narcissists, taking what we want and disregarding what it does to others. In most cases, we actually block out out loved one, because it's easier to compartmentalize that way. I have my married life in one corner, my selfish wayward life in another.

Third, getting the answer to the question about how oyu know you won't do it again will take time. I know it sucks, but you didn't dig this hole in a day, you can't solve it in a day either. Through IC, reading and self reflection, you need to find the real answers as to why you did what you did. Only when you find the root cause(s) can you act on them. Those actions, the ones that counter the root cause(s), are the ones that will start to build confidence in your BS that you have done everything you can to help ensure it won't happen again.

Once you discover your own why, you can take the actions that will prevent future hurtful choices.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/17/2013 12:47 PM

Welcome to SI. You can learn a lot here.

As a housekeeping matter: consider being more judicious with the potentially identifying information. You gave your city, company type, and job title.

why didn’t I ever think of them, and if I did, why did it not stop me?

It's great that you plan never to lie again, and that you intend to spend the rest of your live living for your family. But yeah, you're right, it didn't stop you before, and it may not in the future. Why? Because instead of labeling yourself as a "bad person," you need to figure out what the deep underlying reasons are for your serial cheating and lying.

Personally I think MC is premature, but if that's what your BW wants & needs, it's her call. The M doesn't need work: you do. The M didn't cause your infidelity: you did.

I need to know what is going on with my head (that’s what my therapist is for)

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I found this troubling. It's like saying you're a sinner--but your soul is safe because you go to church on Sunday. Saving one's soul (for those of us that believe in that sort of thing) requires more than sitting in a house of worship for one hour a week.

I flat out have no desire to lie

Lying is a hard habit to quit cold-turkey. You're currently not lying, even a little, about one single thing? You wouldn't be the first WS to still be holding back facts at this point. It's such a popular tactic we use, there's an acronym for it: TT or trickle-truthing. If you are still hiding something: rip off the Band-Aid and spill it now, not later.

Congratulations to you both on the upcoming arrival; let us know what you find out after the ultrasound!

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 12:49 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

N3v3rG1v1ngUp posted 6/17/2013 13:21 PM

You are absolutely right…when looking back at them, I realize they are mistakes, but I still made those decisions knowing what kind of consequences there could (and ultimately did) happen. One of the things that my wife and I (as well as talked about to my therapist) was compartmentalizing. It’s something that I am working on, to bridge the gap between love and sex.

I think the “I need to know what is going on with my head (that’s what my therapist is for)” was worded a tad wrong. Through my therapy sessions, I have felt that the therapist is more a guide than a problem-solver. While I would like it if my therapist could tell me, “This is what’s wrong with you, and here’s how to fix it”, I know that isn’t possible. I feel that my therapist is there for the purpose of helping me identify various triggers and whatnot so I can come to a self-realization and begin to work throughout my life towards being a better person. These changes are something that I have to act on every second of every day.
We (my wife and I), have had quite a few discussions on TT. When everything first happened, there was a LOT of it on my part. We also talking about deflecting (I believe that’s the word), which I also did. After talking with my therapist and also my wife, I’ve come to accept that I alone made these decisions, and that I alone hold responsibility for them. It’s not something one wants to admit at first, but it’s something that can chew away at your very being until you do.

Thank you for the responses. I know that finding my own triggers is paramount to our marriage and is the main topic of each of my therapy sessions.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/17/2013 14:01 PM

It’s not something one wants to admit at first

Amen to that. Some WS's apparently never admit it. I've seen so many heartbreaking posts here, where BS's say their WS's never express remorse, tell the whole truth, or take full responsibility. So keep it up

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 2:01 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

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