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YvesB posted 6/17/2013 11:38 AM

My GF of 7 years had an emotional affair on facebook for almost 3 months until I discovered it on 7 April 2013. They started having sweet chats since January. She just personally met the guy once in Dec 2012. They never met again since that time. But they were chatting 24/7 from January to April 7. The only reason they weren't chatting was because I was around and when they were sleeping.

The discovery really did hurt me a lot. I read their last facebook conversation and it made me freeze and shake a lot.

Since then, she's been proving how sorry she was. She's made herself an open book since May and told me she would do everything just to make us become happy again.

Since then, we've been seeing each other every single day. We've been having sex almost every day. She also answers all questions I have to the best of her knowledge.

I tried to break up with her several times. But then I usually found myself going to their house again just hours after. I'm very confused with myself.

I also did many wrong things...

I verbally abused her about what happened. I've been calling her names whenever I experienced triggers.

A day after D-Day, I called her names while she was saying sorry and crying hard. She was so hurt by what I said that she slapped me many times. And so I spanked her hard.

One night when we were together (just a couple of days after D-Day), I blamed her for the insomnia I was having. I hit her with a cardboard box of chocolates in the face. I cried hard after that and she helped me fall asleep.

Those are the only 2 instances when I hurt her physically. I vowed never to repeat that again.

It's the verbal abuse that I still do until now. If I really want to reconcile, I should stop it asap.

She read it somewhere here that it would take me 2-5 years to heal. She told me she would help me. But she can't take 2-5 years of punishment from me (I think she was referring to the verbal abuse).

I can say she's been doing her best to help me heal. She told me that I should help myself too.

I promised earlier that I would do my best to fight my triggers. And I also promised her I wouldn't talk about breaking up with her until August (while we are trying out best to fix things).

This is my question for this post:

HOW DO YOU FIGHT YOUR TRIGGERS?

For this day, I did 2 that made me fight my trigger...

When I was tempted to check out her phone again, I realized I should not do it and so I put it down. One small victory.

When their last facebook conversation was playing back again in my mind, I scratched her back and she smiled. One small happiness.

Please help me with other ways to fight my triggers.

[This message edited by YvesB at 11:39 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

powerthroughpain posted 6/17/2013 12:49 PM

Alright bro, I'm 7 weeks out from dday of my wife's ea/pa affair. 6 years married, 14 total years.

It hurt like effing hell, but I've grown so much since then. First, your girl needs individual counseling to figure out her weaknesses that allowed her to do this with out approaching u first, otherwise you might be in for another round.

Second, you need to ask yourself if you been taken care of emotionally by your girl. What is the standard of care that you demand? You can only be cared for at the level you demand. Once you establish that, then you measure her by that standard. You can't control her, if she wanted to cheat again she could. All you can go by is if you are being taken care of. Also, how much do you love and respect yourself, because you can only be loved up to that level. Same goes for your girl.

My wife said she always felt unworthy of my love. Which translated into, I don't love myself and I don't understand why u love me. So I'll find some douchbag that can love me at my low level.

We all have triggers, but ultimately you will know if she is pulling away from you if she deviates from the level you deserve to be loved and cared for at.

Don't settle for less. And I am working on reconciliation with her because I know that ultimately we can be better.

[This message edited by powerthroughpain at 12:51 PM, June 17th (Monday)]