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t/j on "Men who dampen their wives' libido" in NB

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loveisareddress posted 6/17/2013 12:44 PM

I believe sometimes they do it on purpose.
They might do it out of fear of failure, looking to create excuses for straying or maybe some of them are just flat out control freaks.

Some men are so controlling that they will finish right before you can because they even want to control that!

Or they claim they're trying to fix their ED problem, but don't take the meds or cut them in half thus ensuring they retain control over their response or lack thereof.

Or they might hurt you a little bit while you're having sex-not enough to make an issue out of it-just enough to make you not want it anymore.

When a woman realizes a man is over controlling and going to such extremes to maintain control, it will destroy her libido, mess with her head and make her absolutely hate him.

Anybody out there KWIM?

Kajem posted 6/17/2013 14:10 PM

Slowly raising hand here.

In my situation it is a form of gaslighting. He blaming me for things out of my control. In my situation is was geared toward making me very undesireable, and it worked. I got blamed for his ED... he was recently diagnosed with hyertension...his meds caused his ED. I would have worked with him, but he blamed me not being attractive enough. Let's forget that he was living a double life at the time, THAT may have had something to do with his hypertension!! Not whether or not my butt was fat.

By the time I suspected the affair... I was so low that I was not thinking clearly. Luckily a friend of mine talked me out of rugsweeping the whole thing and supported me in growing a backbone for my kids sake.

I read that thread and I had to go back and reread it several times.... it is triggering and cathartic at the same time.

[This message edited by Kajem at 2:17 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

Nature_Girl posted 6/17/2013 14:20 PM

Yes, I know what you mean. STBX was so disagreeable in bed, it killed my libido. He refused to do anything to suggest he desired me (as in ME), and refused to acknowledge any attempt I made to be sexy or desirable. Nothing I was interested in happened, or if it did it was done under such duress that it wasn't worth the mind games.

twodoves posted 6/17/2013 14:25 PM

WH never initiated sex, it was always me. I brought it up to him multiple times, but it never made a difference. I couldn't even romance him into it, i would have to say ' i want to have sex tonight.' Or he would blow me off.

It got to the point where i would stop initiating because i hated feeling like i had to make my husband sleep with me. Like it was a chore.

loveisareddress posted 6/17/2013 14:31 PM

Is this an NPD thing?

Are controlling men also NPD?

Mine has a thing about not wanting me to be too happy.

How sick is it to be that controlling?

To the point of having to control whether you come or not?

I just can't wrap my brain around that kind of sickness.

loveisareddress posted 6/17/2013 14:34 PM

First thing that came to mind when reading that thread wasn't the normal rut of married life-it was that this would be a typical thing for a controlling spouse to do.

Nature_Girl posted 6/17/2013 14:35 PM

I don't know if this is common for NPD, but it wouldn't surprise me if it is. My STBX refused to make love on our wedding night. Why? Because it was what I wanted/expected.

Nature_Girl posted 6/17/2013 14:40 PM

First thing that came to mind when reading that thread wasn't the normal rut of married life-it was that this would be a typical thing for a controlling spouse to do.

I agree that it's not a rut, it's a control issue. I recall early in our marriage when I was still desperately trying to fix things. I bought a nice set of flavored massage oil, lotion, body powder & a cool feather duster. Very erotic. I couldn't wait to use it in the bedroom. He only ever let it be used ON HIM. He would NOT use it on me. Would not give me a massage for anything. Would not do a damn thing that would give me pleasure.

I still have that tin with the almost completely full bottles & containers. I kept it as a reminder of how far I will NOT go again to try and salvage a relationship. It's a reminder that I want someone to make an effort to please ME. *I* have to be a priority. Although my libido is so dead & buried I don't know that I'll ever be capable of being in a relationship where intimacy is even a possibility.

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