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1 year later I still feel like I "just found out"

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Jennifer99 posted 6/17/2013 12:57 PM

I just found this forum last week because I went in search of why I couldn't just "move on" after my husband told me last year that he was in love with someone else. She was "it", his soulmate. He was devastated because she acted interested then wasn't, she's married. They never had sex, they never touched, they worked together for a couple years. He can no longer see her but it is not his choice. His ongoing hell is now mine.

Every time I think "I've got this, I'm just going to worry about me and move on" he comes up with some new drama in relation to her, missing her, thinking she is looking for him, etc. or he starts acting again like he loves me.

I told him a year ago I wasn't running away and I wasn't giving him the boot, we have a son together and he's the most important thing but at the same time I thought "let him be super dad for a while, I'm going to work on me".

A year later the only work on "me" that I've done is get a year of grad school done (WOOT!).

I've just admitted to myself that I am still on the rollercoaster of emotions, most likely because I am an emotional person by nature, and its affecting my ability to enjoy the life I have.

Started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago. That was a mistake to wait so long. Its like I have a year of catching up to do with her and I made a lot of mistakes in this past year trying to deal with this all on my own (especially if I follow those 180advices).

Anyway - I didn't feel right just lurking around here without saying hi.

I don't have a lot of time for visiting or typing responses. I think I'm too much of a mess to be of any help to anyone else but I'll try and throw a hug and a smile in from time to time.

Glad this place is here.

simplydevastated posted 6/17/2013 13:07 PM

I'm glad you found us. This is a great place.

It can take around 5 years to fully heal from infidelity. Just take one day at a time and continue to focus on you and your child.


tushnurse posted 6/17/2013 13:11 PM

Welcome. Sorry you find yourself here, but know there are lots of great folks.

Sorry you spent a year in limboland too. Dealing with this shit is hard enough without having to hand hold the one who is misbehaving.

I hope you continue taking care of you, and congrats on Grad school. He needs to figure out what his issue is. There is something deeper making him want to love this other woman. He needs to understand that and fix it. Is he in therapy? Are you in MC?

If not, then I would say it's time for you to take care of you and your son, and lay down your demands for staying. Be prepared to carry through. Go see an attorney too, find out what your rights are, and what would happen should you have to go down that road. Knowledge is power, and power is strength. Something you will need no matter how this plays out.

(((and strength))))

Jennifer99 posted 6/17/2013 13:23 PM

No MC.

He doesn't even know I have IC.

I suggested he get IC because I didn't want to hear his problems anymore since he spent so little time worrying about me. He went to see some nuns. Asked a couple questions, didn't like the answers, never went back, never sought other professionals.

tushnurse posted 6/18/2013 10:07 AM

Well it certainly sounds like he just wants to move on, and not deal with what he did, this is referred to as rugsweeping. Sorry I did this, now lets move forward, with no real work or action on his part to fix himself, or help you heal.

This is not R. This is a painful limbo land for you.
Please reread my previous post, and take action to protect you.

((((and strength)))))

1Faith posted 6/18/2013 10:19 AM


Does he actually tell you he misses her?

I am sorry you are living in limbo. He sounds incredibly selfish and not at all remorseful. Sounds as if he wants you to make the decision to stay or go so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

You deserve to live a life filled with honesty and truth and not be made to feel like you're the consolation prize.

If you are not happy with your relationship I would implore you to explore this in IC. Staying for the sake of your son is understandable but in the long run could be worse than separating. You want to provide him with an example of what a healthy relationship is.

Congrats on grad school. That is awesome. You should be very proud.

Keep posting and know that we are all rooting for you.

Good luck.

brokenfinger posted 6/18/2013 10:19 AM

It's only been over a month for me, but one thing I was quick to realize is that his infeldelity had nothing to do with me!
There was nothing I could have done, nothing I could have been, nothing I could have fixed.
I some ways it makes it a little shittier some days, knowing this is all his crap that spilled over to our family, and that he has a problem.
I'm glad your seeing someone, I'm just working on that myself.
I always remind myself, I will be better and ready to move on, when I'm better to be ready and move on, no one can tell me a time frame, or force me to do it. This is now about you!! You do what YOU need to do. You are entitled to it, and you have earned it. It's okay!
I don't know you, but I'm sending healing thoughts where ever you are

Jennifer99 posted 6/18/2013 10:36 AM

Thank you all.

I have worked with a lawyer to "ready" things should I go that route.

Trying to come to that decision is what led me to IC.

tushnurse - the whole last year has been about trying to take care of me. I am still learning how to do that. I've always taken care of everyone but me. So I figure if he's used me for this long I can use him as cook, maid, and childcare while I learn to take care of me. And that is just what he's doing.

I haven't made any "demands" yet. There have been 2 times that I've asked him to not speak to me, leave me alone, avoid me as much as I was avoiding him unless it involved talking about a bill or our son. Both times it didn't take long for him to understand that I wasn't going to put up with what he was doing at the moment. The first time was expecting a pity-party for him, I gave him my "demands" then and told him to see a therapist. The second time was when he was just being plain mean and nasty to everyone (not even just me).

The missing her part was last year. Then there was a dumping of how he feels like he had no "closure". Then most recently as a month ago was him asking if I've seen her and he was sure she was driving by, parking near our house, cyber-stalking him, etc. I told him he was bonkers and needed therapy, again. That was the time he went to the nuns, once. I told him that doesn't count.

I think I'm extra slow in working through all this because I've taken the time to get so busy. I'm not going to put off pursuing my dream career any longer while we work this out (whichever outcome). I'm not going to set aside time to deal with "us" until I've gotten enough time for me.

Its made things slow to a snails pace. I think its frustrating for him, yes, he's rugsweeping (what a great word!). I'm not going to go along with that but I'm also not dropping everything now to "fix" this.

I've been honest with him about all of this. He's now just trying to rebuild a relationship with our son that he pretty much ruined being so self-centered and mean for the last year. I told him when he's ready to admit therapy could be helpful I'll think about putting some time in for something besides me and my son.

Agape posted 6/19/2013 06:58 AM

Hello to all, I am new here and I think this is an awesome place!
Maybe you can relate: My DDay anniversary is tomorrow. I feel the same way...I am reliving the same emotions that I had a year ago as the phone operator walked me through how to print out WS phone records. It was my 911. all these feelings are coming at me in the same time and I am crushed under the rubble of 25 years of lies. He never apologized, he never disclosed, he never tried to make it better. Instead he said that his private life is sacred! Me, on the other hand, I danced like a puppet under the skillful hand of the master...I BELIEVED that it was my fault (Yes, I know better now), I cooked and cleaned and lost weight. I turned into Ms. Model USA..LOL..NOTHING HAD DERAILED WS. I switched thinking every month or so, maybe if I di this...OK, it didn't work...OK, maybe if I do this...that didn't work either. Two weeks ago as I was washing dishes, I felt angry...NO, not angry...enraged!!!! All the bricks of my marriage 911 crashed again...just as I thought that somehow I had it under control to some degree. Yea, suppressed anger, betrayal,rage...I was able to control myself but I started to read, educate myself..I NEVER got any answers from him, and after one year...I made it very clear that this is the deal breaker..still I got nothing!! He rather loose me and our son than to work at it. As a healthcare professional I understand now that my marriage was a sham...I was the puppet and he was the puppeteer..As I read and read and read, I came to the conclusion he presents with High Functioning Transparent Borderline Personality disorder with Narcissistic tendencies. I almost fell of my chair as I was reading about it. My WS is seriously pathologic, Mr. Unavailable. He conducted a one year long distance relationship through FB, emails and phone with his highschool friend. As I called the most frequent number that appear on the records and her voice came up, I knew exactly who she was. OH...they met alright..twice. The second time he left me in the fetal position and left "out of town to clear his thoughts". Now I know he flew her where we are...I still remember the shock when I tried to call and he turned his phone off...I cleaned the house for 48 hours straight to avoid fitting into a straight jacket! One year later....I didn't get "Im remorse, no answers, no explications...nothing!
And I am planning my exit!!!
Is normal to feel like this. Take care of yourself...The question is: How do you unmesh (there is such word?) yourself from your other half for 25 years??
Your identity is intertwined with his, you became one flesh....Right?
I believe is one day at the time. Some days I wish I am disgusted by him, some days I really am. He goes to the gym now....daily!!!!!!!! Yes, he has a six pack...for the next victim!!
But what he doesn't realize is the fact that I am distancing myself with every little incident, every suspicion...He gave something that was mine to someone else...and for the first time in this long agonizing year..I have days when I don't want it back!!!!!
I am getting out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) with every passing minute!
I foolishly believed that if only I.....that is the FOG.
I see little bits of ski now...
All the best to you..

ErinHa posted 6/19/2013 08:20 AM

OK, I hate to laugh but he saw some "nuns"...OMG...they know SO much about being married.

You are right to see IC, whether you end up with him or not it's good for you.

As far as his ongoing hell regarding not being with his soulmate, that I would not put up with...if you are intending to stay with him that is not a sign of a long life of happiness.

He can't even possibly know if she is his "soulmate"...he sounds very immature.

As you stated, IC - serious IC - is a must for him.

tushnurse posted 6/19/2013 08:21 AM

Jennifer - You sound like you have your stuff together for sure!!! Good for you. I admire your ability to work for the future you want while trying to wade through the shitstorm of infidelity. That is why it still feels like the begining, you haven't really dealt with the pain he has caused.

The issue as I see it, is your level of happiness, and really dealing with all of it. You seem to have been able to back burner the issue for a while, and that has probably allowed you to gain some perspective, but you will still have to work through all the grief and emotion of healing from this, wether it's with or without him.

He clearly has not accepted what he has done, and wants to just forget it. This is helping no one. You get that you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, and that is vital.

Most likely at some point you will realize that living in this limbo land is just too dang hard, and life is too dang short to be unhappy, and tolerating the disrespect, and not getting the love you deserve will be when something changes.

Keep posting, keep sharing. We all want to help others through this.

(((and strength)))

Jennifer99 posted 6/19/2013 08:31 AM

Hi Agape,

I was reading something on a site called MarriageBuilders yesterday.

I was thinking about taking it to WH. But first I wanted to ask him something. It has been a while since he mentioned OW. I asked him where he was in working out his feelings on her rejection. He said she didn't deserve him

I also asked him if he felt that his needs weren't being met in our marriage and that is why he "fell in love with her". He said no, she was just different. He left it at that, no further explanation. I said "hmmmm" and went to bed.

He was like "thats it?" I said "what more 'it' should there be"?

At that point I felt like he hasn't done enough in the past year to be honest with himself so there was probably no point in going through the MarriageBuilder questions as he probably wouldn't be honest with me if he can't be honest with himself.

I've got no problems "unmeshing" myself. If it weren't for my son I wouldn't even still be talking to him.

I think it would be easier to pick up the pieces of my self-respect, self-image, and to learn mySELF again without him around. Instead this way it takes a lot more work with a daily reminder that I wasnt' enough.

I have nearly killed myself for 10 years working to keep my family going, taken care of, while he just flits around in la-la land. I have a lot of regret for lost time, lost youth, lost health, lost opportunity. Those are my issues. I spend time each day trying to let them go.

If he left today I would be ok. The effect it would have on my son would probably make me want to make sure he could never come back but that isn't realistic either.

So for now I am left with keep your friends close and your enemies closer. At least with him here I can deal with problems daily instead of letting them stretch out for whatever length of time he'd be with DS then trying to undo everything.

I am also hoping to encourage him to "find himself". He's been knocking around without purpose for 10 years. If and when he does go, I don't want to be having to send him support every week because he's still a mental mess. I'd like him to be as whole as possible and self-sufficient.

Like he was when we married.

I think what helped me be ready to 'unmesh' myself from him was a good support system of friends who aren't "our" friends, they are my friends. They have been great about making me feel like I have a lot of value beyond wife & mother. They are also quick to remind me when I'm self-pitying to take some action that makes me realize my value - volunteer, give, be there for someone else. And they don't even know about the OW problems, just that I am sad and feeling unloved.

My big issue is trying to get over feeling used. He knows this. I don't think he knows how to fix it and I don't either. But he won't MC.

I'm a pretty loving and forgiving person. If he told me that he was sorry (he tells me all the time he has guilt but never does anything about it), if he told me "I choose you", if he would do the work to make me feel better - tell me he loves me, show me affection, show me I am appreciated - I would be Okeedokee, the rest are my issues and I'll work them out in IC, lets be happy for as long as we have this time and be good parents. But his lack of concern for showing such things, understanding my feelings on such things...that is where I am stuck. I'd just like him gone but I'm trying not to make rash decisions because of DS and let WH have time to work things out in his head. I have to keep reminding myself he's always been slow

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