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RNBrooke84 posted 6/17/2013 13:32 PM

Well my story begins about a week ago and I am still a wreck... thank God for finding this board... maybe this will help keep me going..

My husband and I have only been married a year. Together 3.5 years. I'm 29 years old and a nurse.. my husband is 39 and an airline pilot.... We just had our baby son March 20th of this year so he is just 3 months old. We have been having problems for awhile. I have been having this terrible feeling in my stomach for months that something wasn't right... but I never thought this EVER...my husband showed up to my office last Tuesday as I was getting off work and said we had to talk. I got into the car where he told me he needed to show me something. He had flown with this crazy flight attendant and apparently her almost ex husband was threatening my husband bc he felt his wife was leaving him for James, my husband. At that moment James admitted to a friendship and having talked with this girl but NOTHING ELSE. He didn't want me to go home though bc his guy had shown up to our house.. we knew bc he sent my husband a picture of our door mat.. so some how he discovered where we lived... he knew who I was.. when we got married.. about our baby.. everything.. My husband went to the police to file a report just in case things got bad... I said screw it and went home bc I knew this guy wasn't out to hurt me and I knew in my gut I wasn't getting the full story... So I go home and as I pull him I see a note on my front door... I opened it and it was from her husband... saying to please call him.. his wife is a flight attendant and my husband has been sleeping with her... so I do.. and he tells me that they have been seeing each other since February.. I was 8 months pregnant...he also told me they have been sleeping together.. I thought no.. there is no way.. when would my husband have time.. he is either on the road or home or at the gym.....So her husband tells me that she has been flying with him on his flights and staying in hotels with him or taking flights and meeting him at his hotel.. At this point I think this guy is just extremely paranoid but am still willing to listen. He told me to check my phone records... he knew I was in shock but that will show me that this HAS been happening.. so I do.. and I see months of the two of them texting and talking on the phone.. hours and hours... including the day I gave birth to our son... while I was in the hospital...he even took her and her daughter ice skating while I was at home with a BRAND NEW BABY.... I confronted my husband and he admitted to it but SWORE it never went beyond that. I asked him over and over to just tell me everything and he said yes it was an inappropriate texting/voice relationship but nothing else.. but did admit to having feelings for her... that alone was enough to break my heart...

2 days later we are at our counselor and tell her this new information. 2 weeks prior to this she asked him if he had EVER been unfaithful and he lied to both of us... so I give him one more chance and she asks him again if he has anything left he needs to tell me about...I'll never forget how it went.... "As a matter of fact, yes, there is"..... long pause....I KNEW right then my world was about to be destroyed.....

He then said I have been having a full blown affair with her... physical, emotional.... I have fallen in love with her....At that moment I felt like I was no longer in my body... I've never experienced that before.. it was like I had died.. and I fell apart.. I started shaking and crying uncontrollably... Who would do that to someone? We have ALWAYS been best friends and promised from the beginning that should our relationship get to a bad place we would NEVER do that. We would always talk before acting. And worst of all... I was 8 months pregnant.... why?....then I had the baby and he kept picking up trips to make money for us... and all he was doing was leaving so he could be with her... our newborn baby... he picked her over his son. How can a man do that? All he has ever wanted was a son... and the picks a woman over time with him. He swears that's not how it was but of course it is...

Now I am in this place where I don't know what to do... if we didn't have our baby I would be gone.. but this changes everything.... but he's in love with her... he did cut it off... I saw him do it and has fully committed to trying to make things work with us bc he owes that to his son but Ive never seen him this way... he is hurting for HER.... we slept together once since I had the baby... what he told me the other night... He said sleeping with me felt like he was cheating on HER... I am his WIFE.. I find him defending her when we talk about things bc he expects me to some how feel sorry for them... She is apparently so incredibly sorry for hurting me like this and she isn't a bad person.... REALLY?! bc I'm pretty sure she knew he was married and had a pregnant wife at home... I'm so sorry if none of this makes sense... Im just typing whats going on in my head.... I need help.. I need support.. I just don't know where to turn...

Jennifer99 posted 6/17/2013 13:38 PM

I can hear how much pain you are feeling. I have nothing helpful to say.

I have the same questions you do.

I haven't come to totally believe it yet but I've been working for a while now on "this isn't my fault, this isn't a rejection of our son, this is HIM"

I do wish I spent the last year working this out instead of going to school but I almost see how that could have been an even bigger waste of time making me feel more regrets.

I do wish I had insisted he get IC when he first told me.

It sounds like you are already being smarter than I was.

Hugs to you.

Ashland13 posted 6/17/2013 13:46 PM

I'm really sorry for your hard time, RN.

For what it's worth, I have so much empathy and sympathy for you because I heard those very words from STBX. I am five months pregnant and very, very alone while he is out with OW, living there, enjoying life with no obligations while I also raise our other daughter and try to keep our house going.

Yes, like you had to hear, he told me he felt like he cheated on OW too and it was like watching my own death.

All I can say is that I'm truly sorry and it doesn't seem like it, but the pain, while taking a long time to lesson, has come in shorter bursts for me instead of the constant tears and inability to function that happen.

If you can find a counselor to work with, I finally found one who is very validating and impartial (unlike a relative), and helps me to feel like it wasn't my fault and all of the other things that come into our heads in periods of low self esteem and high self doubt.

It's taken me a long while to fall out of love with STBX, who I was married to for 20 years and spent my adulthood with. He was my BFF and confidant and is gone now, so I understand what you're going through. It was the same words you were told.

What I've learned that helps is that he-and perhaps your H-has problems inside that he thinks he will fix through other people, but it's doubtful that it will ever happen for him because he won't fix himself. He is broken and maybe your H, is too.

I'm soo sorry for your difficult time and hope you will have some relatives or a good counselor to lean on.

This is a great site and there is a lot of caring for people in this period of life.

I am glad you have a job and baby, as when it happened to my father, he said one of the only things that kept him going was his work and children, though we were older. You sound like a good mom and a person who really cares.

RNBrooke84 posted 6/17/2013 13:51 PM

I'm so sorry you ladies are going through this too.... I just don't understand how someone could do something so awful... is it really THAT HARD to talk to your spouse or end things first?! I think finding this place will be a huge help.. just knowing others understand.. I don't know anyone who has been through this and I am so humiliated

Jennifer99 posted 6/17/2013 14:04 PM

It took me a long time to get to "here" but now I think of it as a GREAT thing that I can't understand how someone can do something like this.

19 years doesn't even guarantee you really know someone. I'm still waffling on "how stupid was I for all this time I've been killing myself to keep our family going".

I'm still working on the humiliated part. "She" knows me, has seen me, knows way too much about me but I don't even know what she looks like so I can avoid her.

Every blonde I see triggers thoughts of 'what if that is her and she's giggling at me behind my back'. I should think 'so what if she is' but more of me is thinking 'punch her in the face'. And she could be the nicest person ever and totally NOT wrong because I only have his stories to go on.

meplusfour posted 6/17/2013 14:08 PM

I'm so sorry RN. I remember the pain and the anger from the early weeks following DDay. Please take time to think and to process what has happened to you. I am glad you have found this place. SI is what has kept me sane as I move through the process of healing from my H's A.

Do not rush into anything with your WH, it sounds like he is still in the fog. His primary focus should be on you and making sure that you and your baby are doing well. He should not be defending the OW or playing to your heartstrings. Just as an aside, how does he know that she is incredibly sorry for doing this. It sounds like he needs a major wake up call. Look up the 180 (in the Healing Library, top left), it will help you as you sort out what is happening. Has your WH come clean and fully confessed? Have you spoken to the other BS as to what his understanding of the situation is? Are you taking care of yourself and your baby? Please make sure that you are eating, sleeping and doing what you need to do so that you remain as healthy as possible.

Stay strong RN, and take care of yourself and your baby.

1Faith posted 6/17/2013 14:13 PM

Dear RNB

So sorry you have found yourself here but you are in a wondeful and safe place.

All of are here because we have been where you are.

2 years ago I discovered my worst nightmare. The man I was married to the man of my dreams and love of my life was an adulterer. I thought I would die.

You are experience Post Traumatic Stress and the highs and lows are normal. We call it the roller coaster from hell.

I got an education in adultery that I never thought I would need. It was my survival.

I learned this was HIS choice and had NOTHING to do with me, or our marriage. My husband simply chose to escape his personal problems in fantasy land. What was important was the excitement of the affair, the belief that he was so irresistible.

Please write here often and share your feelings we all care about you and will always do our best to help you through to healing.

Ask questions and read all the posts you are not alone.

Your husband is still in the affair fog. He is romanticizing the relationship. A relationship built on lies and deceit. It may be too soon but look up the 180. You need to take some of the power back. He is being selfish and arrogant. They were both bad people when they cheated on their spouses. Very bad. They made conscious decisions that caused many innocent parties immense hurt. They both need to realize this and take ownership of it.

(((gently))) He is not totally committed to making it work if he is still pining for the OW and is only trying to make it work for the sake of your son. (((sorry)))

Please read everything you can in the Healing Library. Look up dearpeggy.com

You are in shock and understandably so. Please take care of yourself and your beautiful son. This kind of hurt takes its toll on the body, mind and soul.

We are all here for you and rooting for you.

LiedtoLucy posted 6/17/2013 14:28 PM

Hello RN Brooke

I am going through a very similar situation to yours right now. Except my husband's OW is potentially pregnant with his child. He broke it off before finding that out a week later. We are trying to R but I am devastated....His affair went on for 4 years and we have 3 kids. I still can't believe this is my life.

My H is a nurse and works nights. I work days AND take care of our kids in the evening. His A was with a nurse at his hospital. So like you, we really didn't see each other much at all. I think my husband just became detached and started living a separate life at night. He told me beloved me every day. We talked on the phone on his way to work, during work, after work. It is just so surreal.

Like your husband he did tell me that he loved her; that when it started it was just about sex because he felt like I did not want sex anymore. But he didn't discuss it with me. I had just given birth to my 2nd child when the A happened. Of course I didn't want sex. I was exhausted. But ALL married couples go through this. So they continue and 4 years later he loves her.

I do feel like he is coming around some now. But I have no idea how to deal with even the thought of the child he is possibly having with that whore.

Keep your chin up. Don't waiver in the things that he has to do in order to stay in R. We are going to live through this and somehow come out stronger and wiser with or without them.. ((((HUGS))))

TrustGone posted 6/17/2013 14:50 PM

(((RNBrooke84)))

I am so sorry you have had to join our little corner of the world. I can feel your pain and confusion in your post. First off, know this has nothing to do with you. I know that is a hard concept to grasp. It has nothing to do with any problems in the marriage or anything you did or didn't do. He has issues in himself that allowed him to be able to do this. If it had not been her, it would have been someone else. Waywards often seek out other's with low morals and low self esteem. They are usually selfish people who only think about their needs and wants. They need their ego-stroking and lke a drug the AP provides that for them. Some even think they are in love with this AP, but in reality it is just a fantasy. The A doesn't come with the day to day things that a marriage does. They don't talk about bills, kids, finanaces, etc..that they have to deal with on a daily basis in their marriage. It is all about the fantasy and making themselves feel good. The ones that think they love this AP, leave their family, often find out that the new relationship comes with the more issues than they had in their marriage. Usually they are not only lying to you they are also lying to the AP. The whole so-called relationship is built on lies, but they are too wrapped up in it to see that until it is too late and the damage has been done.

The main thing that you need to do now is think about yourself and your new baby and get to the point you are willing to lose the marriage. I know that's not what you want to do or feel like you need to do, but it is usually the only thing that will bring them out of the fantasy world back into reality.

DO NOT beg, pled, or try to nice or love them back. It will not work and often has the opposite affect. Read in the healing library in the left hand corner of the forum. It has lots of good advice for the BS. I am not telling you to leave or kick him out, but you need to do the 180 (in the healing library) to get yourself in a better place and help restore your self-esteem and get yourself in a good frame of mind to make the decisions that you need to make. It is not punishment for your husband although it sounds like it in some ways. You do not have to make any decisions now and it is advisable not to make any rash decisions this early after DDay. He is still it the wayward "fog" and you are hurting.

I wished I would have known about SI after DDay#1. It may have helped to prevent DDay#2. I did the complete opposite of what I should have done. I thought it was my fault, as society often does, and I went about changing everything about myself that he said caused him to cheat in the first place. I became JuneCleaver/PornStar, showed him more affection, quit my RN job, etc.. It did not stop him and he took it underground for another year until his OW outed him again because he wouldn't leave me. I was fortunate in a way that he said he never really loved her, but they were already engaged a year before I found out. He had bought her a ring just to shut her up and keep it a secret for as long as he could. They had already been together for 2yrs when I found out. I didn't even know we were having any problems and trusted him completely, so I thought it had to be something I had done wrong. It wasn't. He is a broken man with issues that I had turned a blind eye to. I know now that it has nothing to do with me. I can't fix him and I can't control him. This is the most important thing you need to tell yourself right now. The only one you can control is yourself and how you handle this. Right now he needs IC to figure out how and why he could do this, No contact with AP, transparency of all his electronics, pay stubs, credit card bills, where abouts at all times, etc.

I am sure others will be along with more advice. Just keep posting. SI has been a life saver (both mentally and physically) for me. Until he is ready to pull his head out of his ass it will be hell for you if you allow it. DO NOT let him blame shift this onto you. Also do not let him rug sweep and continue to lie and try to down play what he has done. In order is reconcile, he has to be remorseful for what he has done to you and the marriage. If he is only regretful that he got caught, then that will not lead to reconcilation. (((HUGS)))

Jospehine85 posted 6/17/2013 16:16 PM

A lot of WS tell themselves and their BS that they are in love with the AP. They do this to make themselves feel better about their tawdry behavior. If it's love, then I must not have done anything wrong, right?

But love is not hiding out in hotel rooms.

It's very likely that your WH is perpetuating his fantasy because he is trying to stop the guilt and self-disgust from flooding in.

You need to get strong. Let him know in no uncertain terms that OW is not nice. She is not a good person. She is deceitful and a liar. She conspired to destroy your family. Good people just simply do not do that. And that goes for him too. He is deceitful and a liar too. Ask him what he plans to do to change that? Ask him what he has to offer you that you should keep him?

Let him know that he is NEVER to tell you she is a good person. He will NEVER defend her again. There is no defense.

Let him know that if he can't put you as the priority, you do not need him in your life. You are not Plan B. You will not be a make-do out of obligation for your son.

Don't spend the next 18 years staying with a man who is not there for YOU. If he does not pull his head out of his ass and start feeling some remorse and compassion for you, you need to seriously consider moving on and finding someone less broken than your WH.

Dare2Trust posted 6/18/2013 03:02 AM

RNBrooke,

I agree:

You need to get strong. Let him know in no uncertain terms that OW is not nice. She is not a good person. She is deceitful and a liar. She conspired to destroy your family. Good people just simply do not do that. And that goes for him too. He is deceitful and a liar too. Ask him what he plans to do to change that? Ask him what he has to offer you that you should keep him?

LOVE is not based on lie, deciet, sneaking around, and hurting others!! What your WH and OW had/shared was an adulterous affair.

Your WH had choices - and ONE CHOICE was to tell you he wanted a divorce! He took the coward's way and had an adulterous, sexual affair...and THAT IS NOT LOVE.

Of course OW knew he was married... and OW well-knew SHE WAS MARRIED TOO! Otherwise - what was her husband doing informing YOU about his wife's affair?
BOTH of them are LIARS AND CHEATERS - NOT "star crossed lovers.

NOW you husband has some real decisions to make:
---IS he read to stop all contact with this OW?
---IS he ready to FIX THIS MESS he's made?
---IS he willing to do whatever is necessary to help you heal?

Then, you can decide: DO you want to remain in this marriage, or not?
It is your decision, you know? He's not doing you some "nice little favor by hanging around." And if he thinks THAT - you need to kick his butt to the curb immediately....because you deserve a lot bette than THAT!

I'm sincerely sorry for the pain you're going through.

ninebark posted 6/18/2013 08:28 AM

RNBrooke84

I am so sorry you have to join us here. You are not alone.

A few months before my 10 year anniversary I found out my husband was having an affair.

Like yours he tried to make her out to be this beacon of virtue. He would tell me "she said if we can work it out we should, and I should try to save my marriage." Really!!!I had to ask if that was while she was screwing my husband or pillow talk when they were finished.

He didn't want to give me her phone number because he was worried I would harrass her. Wow, my response was "you want to protect your mistress!who was protecting our family while she was having sex with a married man?" I don't want to talk to the home wreaker, I Just wanted to make sure you weren't calling her.

Affairs are dream worlds, of course he feels like he loves her. He gets all the wonderful feelings of a new relationship but none of the realities of the real world. They don't live together, he doesn't see her when she is tired and cranky from dealing with a new baby. She is currently princess perfect, can do no wrong, who tended to his every needs and made him feel like he was the most important person in the world.

Take care of yourself. See a laywer, find out what you need to do to proect yourself. That doesn't mean you have to divorce him, but you need to prepare to lose your marriage if you are going to save your marriage. Get your ducks in a row and let him know you mean business. You can start proceedings if it comes to that but you can always stop them before divorce if you wish. That dream world will seem a little less wonderful when he realizes he stands to lose it all.

Please read the healing library, do a good 180 and make sure your needs are met. That means transparency,continued Marriage and/or individual councelling, what ever you need to feel like he is being open and honest.

You cannot R without two people. You also don't have to do make any big decisions right away. This is the time to take care of you, emotionally, legally, physically. Know that you are not alone and feel free to post or message us if you need to talk.

Althea posted 6/18/2013 12:10 PM

(((Brooke))) You are in such a vulnerable place with a young baby. My advice would be to look up the 180, and do it - hard. There is no way you should have to sit there and listen to him tell you how much he loves HER. FTG.

If you spend time on here, you will find that it isn't uncommon for men to cheat on their pregnant wives. Mine first kissed another woman while I was 8 months pregnant. He was having a crisis of sorts, wondering whether there was someone else for him. In reality, he was scared to grow up. He also had and has a whole host of other issues that make up one very broken man.

In the early days while my WH was still in the fog he defended his "friendship" and told me OW was a good person going through a bad time. They were "reckless" and it was "dangerous," I could hear in his voice how much he was getting off on it For me, it was a total waste of my time and breath to tell him he was wrong about her or their relationship. He wasn't hearing any of it.

A year later when he described OW and the A he uses words like shame and regret. It makes hims sick to think of somehow seeing her and if he did, he would tell her that getting involved with her was the biggest mistake of his life.

For me, the only way my WH was going to get from point A (where you are) to point B (where he is now) was getting ready to divorce him. He had to see he was losing me in order to snap out of it. Begging him to see OW for what she was did nothing. Trying to "fix us" and do the work for us both in MC, did nothing. I got 4 months of lies for all my hard work.

See a lawyer, figure out your rights and stop trying to get him to see how horrible he is being. Focus on yourself, start IC, and find a way to be ok with or without him. If he is the husband you deserve he will snap out of this and start showing you that he deserves a second chance.