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Result of abuse

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movedtoaz posted 6/17/2013 14:22 PM

My WS recently admitted to multiple incidents that resulted from her joining a married cheaters website. She has been going to IC since confessing and from what little I hear about her sessions it sounds like her behavior is (at least partially) the result of childhood abuse by more than one family member. Some of it I was aware of but some of it she kept secret even from me. I guess for my first post I'm just curious if anyone else has been through something similar? For my part, hearing about this abuse seems like it should make compassion easier, but I still find that difficult being the innocent victim.

solus sto posted 6/17/2013 18:42 PM

Yes, I have been in shoes like yours. My husband, too, was abused. And like your wife, he concealed the extent of the abuse from me for many, many years.

her behavior is (at least partially) the result of childhood abuse by more than one family member.

No. Her behavior is 100 percent the result of her own decisions. All of us have baggage---some not as heavy as others---and we're all responsible for our own behavior.

Your wife chose very poor behavior. The abuse may have colored her world view. It did not cause this, nor is it the key to making her a safe partner.

She needs TOOLS for coping, not something to which to attribute her bad decision-making. Hopefully, her therapist will guide her to this; not all do.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/17/2013 19:16 PM

My WH was not sexually abused but he was extremely physically, verbally and emotionionally abused. He became an alcoholic. Over time, he became progressively more abusive towards me. I forgave and forgave and forgave. I even forgave him when it started getting physical, after left him and he said he'd never do it again and that he would get sober. He didn't ever do it again, but he didn't stay sober. I learned to detach when he was being abusive and to forgive when he wasn't. Until he had an A. It's been over two years and I haven't forgiven yet. Not just because he had an A but after I discovered it, he lied and lied and lied. He tried to convince me and everyone else I was crazy. He was incapable of any remorse the year he spent trying to get sober. He was incapable of empathy for a year after he get sober. It's only now that he's beginning to show empathy and remorse that I think I might be able to forgive him someday.

I would say, childhood sexual abuse should make compassion easier if...

If she is capable of empathy and remorse and has the abiility to help you heal from the trauma she has caused. It probably won't be easy for either of you. There's a good chance she won't get it until it's too late but if she does get it, there's hope. It would take time and both of you would need to have a lot of compassion to make it work.

Take it easy on yourself. A's are so much more devastating than people can imagine until they've been through it themselves.

HeavyE posted 6/17/2013 19:24 PM

Welcome brother. Sorry you have found us but glad you did. You are not alone.

I too can attest to sexual abuse/molestation in my wife's case. There are many others who can attest to it as well. If you google sexual addiction you will find out many additional symptoms or signs. Not saying your wife is, but it is common enough that it is one of the factors.

I know how you feel. The compassionate person in me wants to blame this on the youth minister at her church. Maybe blame her family as there are a number of them that have cheated. However, the blame lies with her alone. Outside factors probably can be attributed to her poor decisions, but in the end it all comes down to her.

Can you survive this? Absolutely.

Will the marriage survive? Too early to tell.

I'm glad that she is in individual counseling. That is a huge step for her. In my wife's case she didn't tell anyone for over thirty years. Only after her infidelity did it come out.

You don't have to make any decisions any time soon. Take your time to figure out what you need.

Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Drink plenty of water. Keep reading and posting. It really does help.

standinghere posted 6/17/2013 21:10 PM

It took my wife 7 months of counseling before she started to talk, and begin to tell the truth.

That was after 18 years of marriage.

One year later she was suicidal, as she thought about what she had told, when she began talking, and was hospitalized.

She asked my promise to never tell the children, or anyone else, ever, what she has revealed.

Even today, actually today, she says she is not sure she made the right decision to talk, it was easier to stuff it all by not talking.

But, we would have divorced, we almost did. I was done thinking it was me, I wanted someone who didn't cringe when I came home, who avoided me, yet who had cheated on me so it seemed she obviously wanted something I was not.

I was wrong though, she wanted me but was afraid of me at the same time, and that someone would tell things about her and I'd leave. One thing that came out in counseling, compulsive sexual acting out, ending only shortly before she met me, after some counseling she had sought out herself. She has been with me for over 20 years, cheated on me during the affair, but that is it sexual partner wise.

Before that, recurring episodes of promiscuity that she couldn't understand or seem to control, she has no idea how many partners, certainly over 200, sometimes more than one per day, with periods of shameful remorse and asexuality which she also didn't understand.

Her sisters have the same issues. She and I have the only successful marriage, one sibling fucks any man who she can who is attached, or much, much, younger, and the other seems to go after older men who remind her of their father, the other is after married or addicted men.

All of them, my wife included, are addicts or alcoholic and my wife is the only one who is in recovery.

[This message edited by standinghere at 9:12 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

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