SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

wishfulgirl posted 6/17/2013 14:37 PM

I didn't just find out, I actually found out last July but it definitely still feels brand new.

My husband and I had been together 4 years, married one and I was pregnant with our second child (8months when I found out) and unfortunately he was having a text affair and physical with my best friend on 5 years.
I found over 3k text messages in a lock box on his cell phone. I read them all and saw all the photos and he admitted to having her over while I was at work.

I'm still angry and bitter. No where near "over it". I constantly wonder if I should have just left that night.
Most of my family doesn't understand and thinks I am obligated to work it out. We have been to two therapist, and have made little to no progress. I just say nothing or end up making hurtful comments because I am angry.

I would like someone who understands or can help me understand.

jjct posted 6/17/2013 15:04 PM

Betrayal sucks. Double betrayal double sucks.
Take care of yourself and the littles!
Read the Healing Library upper left. I am so sorry. It takes a special kind to cheat on a pregnant wife. Ugh!

You don't get "over it" as much as you will get through it.

It's likely you're stuck because no one is validating your very real pain - and saying: 'get over it'.
I'd be pissed too!

There's a thread for DB's:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=158554

This might help too:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460

Keep posting. HUGS!

MovingUpward posted 6/17/2013 15:07 PM

Welcome to SI

I am sure that you'll benefit from the stories and advice to others. Feel free to throw out any questions that you need answers to. The Healing Library link in the upper left will direct you to lots are answers. And since you are struggling to make progress with joint counselors you might want to see one just yourself to help you process and to be able to speak through things when you are attempt another session with your husband. You need a may to communicate your needs and expectations and being quiet or making hurtful comments isn't helping you.

It is ok to say things "I don't believe that I can trust you" or "I need you to be honest with me." There is so much that you might need to communicate but you have to have to confidence to do so and the ability to do it in a manner that isn't purposefully hurtful.

1Faith posted 6/17/2013 15:09 PM

Dear Wishful

I am so sorry that you are here and dealing with infidelity.

I can feel your pain as I read your post. I am sorry. You have been betrayed twice. Once by your husband and once by your friend. That is really hard to reconcile, absorb and understand.

You will never fully understand why the affair happened. Logically we want so bad to understand but affairs are never based on logic. The best I believe we can hope for is to understand how it happened.

Understanding the how can come through IC and MC. Your husband needs to figure out why he allowed himself to cheat. He needs to understand so he can assure you he will never hurt you again.

Your anger is totally understandable and completely normal. I think after a year most people are coming out of the shock and realize the spouse is still there so the fight/flight mode has minimized and BOOM - here comes the anger.

Angry that this happened, angry you are so hurt, angry that they chose to do this to you, angry that they are your biggest trigger, angry that they stripped away your self esteem and trust, angry they were selfish, angry at all the lies, angry...for everything.

Being angry is not wrong. It is a healthy and an appropriate emotional response to injustice. Anger is pain turned outward.

Anger serves a constructive purpose in bringing about healing. However, anger needs to be channeled in healthy and constructive ways.

IMO, a key to recovering from infidelity (especially if you are interested in rebuilding your marriage) is to avoid bad responses.

Make an anger list. Write down all the things that make you angry. Discuss them with your spouse, a friend or God. Discover ways to eliminate their sources, and then check them off. Just seeing some progress can help you.

It takes on average 2-5 years to truly heal from an affair and even then you will always have the scars. But an affair does not have to define you or your marriage.

No one that hasn't been through this can relate or understand the pain. So please allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. You are not obligated to work it out if you don't want to.

How is your husband now? Is he committed to helping you heal and remorseful?

Be strong and know that you can and will make it through either way.

(((hugs)))

wishfulgirl posted 6/17/2013 15:20 PM

Thanks for making me feel so welcome! I really appreciate it. I was always hesitant to join something like this, I guess I was just afraid.

My husband is supportive, sorry, guilty etc..
Over the past year all we have done is fight. After a couple weeks he got overwhelmed with me because I was so upset, saying " I don't understand how you can still be so sad". Referring to me crying...all the time (again I was 8 months pregnant)
I was overwhelmed with people telling me to leave him, and then saying "Well they didn't have sex so it's not so bad"...but they did get physical and I have no proof they didn't have sex, his word doesn't mean much.

I know that I am also feeling like I've reached a fork in the road (or at least it feels that way most days) Should I stay and hope this sharp pain goes away eventually even though I feel it everyday (It goes away when we're together most times, but is worst when he's at work etc..)
Or cut my losses and move on with our girls. I am still young only 22. Is this something worth putting myself through if he couldn't stay faithful not even a year into our marriage? I just feel very lost.

1Faith posted 6/17/2013 16:06 PM

Wishful

It takes time. We all have wanted to fast track our healing. We all have wanted to be over it already but in reality you don't get over it - you get through it.

You have to feel everything you are going to feel. The good, the bad, the ugly. If you ignore it or stuff it down it all rears it's ugly head later. Triggers are sneaky that way.

Your husband is NOT allowed to ever say:

" I don't understand how you can still be so sad".

There is no timeline on healing. It takes whatever time it takes. Period. On average it takes 2.5 to 5 years to heal from an affair.

As with all issues pertaining to affairs, I recommend that you get as much perspective as possible, and then decide for yourself.

In the final end, the only one who will live with the outcome of decisions you make from this point forward is you, not your friends and family who can be so quick to offer their advice, not even me or your counselor. So the most important thing is that you get perspective, consider your options carefully, and then make your own decision as to what’s right for you.

Sometimes when other people know about the affair, they cause further injury through their hurtful gossip, and/or harmful and uninformed advice.

Are you in IC and/MC?

Hang in there Wishful. You can make it, one way or another.

(((hugs)))