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Reclaiming trigger locations.

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naivewife posted 6/17/2013 14:41 PM

"Reclaiming" is the word my therapist used for going to the places around our little town that WH and OW did their nasty shit in. Today I made the first move towards doing that. I would love to simply avoid those places for the rest of my life, but because they used the town recreation area, the elementary school parking lot, and a spot that is part of a favorite walking path, I really have to do this, since we have two small children who will want to be in these places in the next few years. In short, it was hell. I had to swallow back vomit and let a lot of tears flow. I walked with WH and the boys, our oldest was in the stroller so he couldn't see me crying. For the few minutes I was there, I felt hatred towards WH, and extreme hatred towards OW. I wanted to scream at him to just go away and never come back, go to her, his whore, because that's what he deserves now. Not us. The spot that used to be a beautiful, peaceful place by the river looked dirty, run down, and sinister.
And now I've calmed down from our little field trip.
Has anyone else had similar experiences? Or is anyone avoiding places that are triggers? Has anyone gone through this and has gotten more comfortable with these places? I don't want to start sobbing and possibly vomiting every time I drop the kids off at swimming lessons. I sort of wish we could move.

brokenniceguy posted 6/17/2013 15:43 PM

The place we first kissed and later got engaged is one block away from where one of the "times" was.

I know I will end up there someday but I can't even put the thought in my head yet for exactly the reason you describe. Not sure if I want to go alone or bring the WS along. Neither sounds appealing now.

Good for you for going at this head on.

rachelc posted 6/17/2013 16:18 PM

there are, at last estimate, 14 places around town where he took these two skanks. Our MC suggested we reclaim them. He hasn't asked me to go to any of them yet and I'm not sure I could....
these are very popular places around town - the University, many bars in our small downtown area... one was the restaurant my best friend and her husband own. Crushed.

BeautifulEmpty posted 6/17/2013 16:42 PM

I hate this but I do think its necessary because I don't want to give an inch of my life and space to them and what they did.
With that said, it can be incredibly hard to do and while I've done some, I've got a list of places to take back still.

Bravenewgirl posted 6/17/2013 17:57 PM

Oh, I so hear you.

There was a favorite walking trail of ours next to a river and a beach where we had taken DS every summer weekend since he was a baby.

The very first time I went out of town after the A started, he took her there and fucked her against a tree. She was kind enough to describe it for me in the letter she gave me outing the affair.

I don't think I will ever be able to reclaim it. Its like the whole area is seething with disease or something. I am just so angry that he had to ruin a sacred family space for both me and DS.

I commend you for having the courage to go to those tainted places and make them your own again.


musiclovingmom posted 6/17/2013 18:05 PM

I have been doing this. I even traveled over 400 miles from my home to be where my H was working when he met with most recent OW. I did not stay where they did (I would NEVER put my kids in a place like that), but even thinking about driving by it makes me feel sick. I also do not drive by local OW's house because I know that's where they were together. Everywhere else, I've managed to do ok with. Repeated exposure with good company and good memories to replace the trash. That's what has helped.

Skan posted 6/17/2013 18:35 PM

Yes. I reclaimed every place. It was hard. I made him walk me through each place what had happened, what was said, exactly where they were, etc. Multiple times before we went to the places, and then again, as we trod the same footprints that they did.

I'm somewhat stubborn. And highly territorial. I did not want there to be One Single Place that he could fanaticize about, have a memory about, that did not have my face imprinted on it. So I essentially went and remarked my territory.

Ashland13 posted 6/17/2013 19:15 PM

It's hard to remember that there were times before an A occurred. Perv found someone hours away and if "it" was anywhere near where I and DD live, I don't want to know. I don't have much I am in the dark about, but from behavior I saw during false R, I would say "It" (OW) has been local. Seeing friends once over holidays and false R lead me to believe the same and the last workplace is very suspicious, based on absences and the way that job ended.


This is important to do and so very, very hard.

I don't know if it helps any, but something I do is wrack my brain for anything on earth-or in the sky-about a trigger that was in my life, or I knew, prior to even knowing him. I was a kid then, but I know there are things in the universe that didn't and don't have to do with him and I play a game in my mind if a trigger or trigger place is upon me.

I put in place the prior experience and don't let him in my head when I am there.

In the spring this year, I attended a concert of my father and his GF, trying to support them back. I was not surprised that they didn't tell me it was half love songs and damned if I didn't sit there with tears streaming down my face for some of it. It was jam packed and many people stared at me. Some strangers hugged me and one elderly lady put her arms around me for the rest.

But you know, I didn't leave? I managed to stay for the whole thing and by the end I wasn't crying, just very pent up like a spring.

A massive trigger is anything romantic-couples, kissing, a card at the store, people holding hands-it makes me vomit to see and there I sat for over two hours listening to love songs sung by choirs.

Now that I'm on the other side I have a tiny bit of pride, though don't know when I'll get the courage to go again.

Thanks for anyone who reads my long post and I give tremendous credit to anyone who lets themselves attempt this humungous feat.

I'm sorry for all of you who had it happen near where you live or at places you frequent.

Some things I cannot do still because of triggers, but am told not to push them.

I wish everyone luck trying to reclaim their spots and I thank Skan for the snicker I got from that post about remarking our territory-it's not far off.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/17/2013 19:30 PM

I tried to do that. Honestly, I think I did it too soon after DD and made them into bigger triggers than they already were.

I also had a reaction to the music camp I went to with my son last week. I did end up in tears listening to some songs. We were already ambivalent about staying the whole week for a few reasons. At that moment, I knew I wasn't holding up well and leaving was probably th best thing to do. I didn't tell anyone that was part of why we came home early. We missed my other son and it was WH's B-day the next day and my musician son was not attached to staying longer. Those were enough reasons.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 7:31 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

mentalmess posted 6/17/2013 19:58 PM

We did this. It was cathartic for me. They spent time in the woods but everywhere he took her we had already been many times over the years. I drew the line at getting screwed in a filthy truck shop or his work suv that smelled of diesel and garbage. Apparently his unpaid whore had low expectations. The one hotel they had a night in was not so nice so we plan to stay at a golf resort she had wanted him to take her too. Besides golf you could have a couples massages and a great dinner.
I'm sorry you had such a bad reaction. Maybe it is a little too soon for you to attempt this. I could not have handled it for at least a year. I have wonderful memories to draw on now and remind myself that I'm the prize and the trash has been taken out.

[This message edited by mentalmess at 3:04 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

sodamnlost posted 6/17/2013 20:18 PM

I had to reclaim my bed, his wedding ring and a road. I did them when I was ready. I am a stubborn fool, no way was his c^%t getting to claim any of those from me. They were and ARE once again MINE. It took a few times on the ring and the bed is still sometimes an issue but it's getting better.

brokenniceguy posted 6/17/2013 23:00 PM

Thanks for the perspective Skan. I think WS will do some traveling with me. She needs to come along to help us both heal and continue to grasp what all the consequences really are.

This sh!t sucks and I never knew I could feel like puking for so long.

BeyondBreaking posted 6/17/2013 23:06 PM

If I was triggered by locations, I would be triggered in my own house.

That being said, I suffer from OCD and have to constantly talk myself out of obsessive, intrusive thoughts (not affair related).

Since you knew these locations prior to him tarnishing them with an affair- my suggestion would be to not let yourself think about it in the affair context. When you feel those thoughts creeping up, say, "No, I'm going to choose to think about how beautiful this trail is,". Or, "I'm going to choose to think about my kids going to their first day of school, and me dropping them off in this parking lot." It takes a lot of work. You will feel crazy talking to yourself- but over time it does help.

Hang in there!

somanyyears posted 6/17/2013 23:12 PM


This sh!t sucks and I never knew I could feel like puking for so long.

..this is how i feel whenever we have to park in an underground lot..'s not something i want to re-claim, ..just a necessary evil from her A..


NotDefeatedYet posted 6/18/2013 00:43 AM

I never knew what a panic attack was until I got close to where took a dump all over our marriage. The last time I even got close I was ready to jump out of the car. We have to drive 10 miles out of the way every time we go that direction. I will never go to that area again for the rest of my life.

RidingHealingRd posted 6/18/2013 01:52 AM

I sort of wish we could move.

6mo post Dday and this ^^^ is exactly what we did. I knew on Dday I could never remain in that State, fortunately we were not from there, so we moved. Absolutely no regrets and I am so thankful that it was easy for us to do.

Everyone is different. I do believe that there are people who can "reclaim" locations and eliminate triggers. For me this would be extremely difficult and there was not way I would even try.

I told my WH to get a new job and get us the hell out of there.

louisianamp posted 6/18/2013 09:19 AM

This is my first post. So bear with me. My WS did all of her nasty outside the state, to the best of my knowledge. What I'm trying to reclaim is places around this little town that were "ours". The place that was the hardest was a place we used to go to listen to music. I eventually talked her into singing there as well. She had a beautiful voice. This also happens to be the last place I saw her before she left to move out of state before the D. It took me almost a year, and 3 trips, but I finally can go there and enjoy the music. I'm reclaiming trigger locations one at a time. I just know it will take time, cause each one brings up memories, and brings me down for a while. Keep plugging, is my best advise.

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