Did you tell her you're not babysitting?
Please do not kick my butt. I did not give a yes or no. The conversation was already heated enough because I was actually saying no to cleaning. (How dare I?) I was already starting to feel panicky. Like, really panicky and in a corner. I flipped out and quickly got off the phone using DD's appointment as an excuse.
Called QS. Told him how it was going. He backed me up completely. Mom can "ask" me to babysit but she can't "tell" me. Which is what she's trying to do. I haven't talked to her since. Of course she will assume my silence means yes. I have to find the courage to tell her "You can ask, but you can't demand or make arrangements for me." I'm so scared.
Standing up to my parents is "disrespectful". And if/when I have tried in the past, I was always wrong. And if I wasn't wrong, was guilted into being wrong. (make sense?) The comment I'm most likely to hear is, "It's only 1-2 hours out of your life. Why would you want to miss a blessing by helping the pastor!?"
Well...who said he wanted help? Why would he put himself on the list if he didn't expect or want to clean the building!? Why is this my fault now, ya know? Now I'm the bad guy.
I dropped DD at VBS, ran 2 quick errands, got home, and it's all I can do to move. I'm exhausted. My shoulders are locking up. But I can't tell Mom that because "I'm a wuss that can't handle pain." If I'm *that* bad, I should take all my meds. Those pills make me feel weird. I don't want to have to rely on them. Why should I pop a pill and push myself for her? If I take all those pills, I'm not going to be able to care for my 2, much less my nephew. Why can't I just relax, take my time to heal, and be pill free? What's wrong with that? But either way, my way is gonna be wrong.
There is fear. And I'm hitting a wall. I'm scared to be a grown up and make grown up decisions. In cutting this stupid cord, I'm realizing that there is nobody to catch or direct me (Yes I know, QS, but still) and what happens if I fail? I will disappoint and humiliate the whole family. Will that be said exactly? No. But I will hear the stupid, disrespectful, off-hand comments.
Example: I'm absolutely terrified with the idea of shopping for a new car since mine is going to be totaled. I don't know if it's a good choice, bad choice. What if we make a bad decision? What if we get what I love? Dad is gonna be all PA about it, throw attitude and stupid comments around, and pretty much just spoil it all for us. We're going to be judged if we buy something on payments. (which is what he's doing. But ya know, it's ok for him.) We spent too much, we could have gotten a better deal elsewhere, oh look, there's a tiny dent, the interior is too rugged, the tires are going to have to be replaced soon, is that fender crooked?
There's this vicious cycle of do, please, don't do, disappoint, try to break free, throw up a wall, they try to get around, I'm guilted if I don't do, I'm lectured if I do something different.
It's my life. I know that. But I am my father's child. I can't disappoint or humiliate him. There is *so* much pressure to be fabulous, perfect, and saintly. I want to just scream.
At the end of the day, I know it doesn't matter what I do, I'm always going to be wrong or a disappointment to them in some way. Why can't I find the courage to just stand up, do my thing, and not feel that guilt or fear? I *know* what to do, I'm *trying*, but it's still not enough.
[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 11:32 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]