SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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misunderstandings follow;

we are in a TYPICAL, 'TRADITIONAL' open marriage!

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:20 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. You are acting the way most people who have been cheated on would act.

Based on what you are describing, him still messing around and being completely unremorseful, on top of that not thinking he has to respect you and give you any kind of reassurances, you should be asking HIM to leave.

He cannot kick you out. If he did, a lawyer could have his ass for you there. Why do you want to stay with him? He isn't wanting to work on things and thinks he has you wrapped around his finger.

I'd give him the pink slip if I were you, bet his ass would straighten up then...but only because he probably wouldn't want the expense of divorce.

There are better men out there for you.

I am sorry you are hurting.

I am asking for clarity...if you have a one sided open marriage (I am assuming your husband is allowed to see other women?) - how do you define cheating?

He never had any type of emotional connection to anyone

Not even you? What is the connection to stay with someone that treats you like an option and degrades you because of your weight?

IMO, he sounds very selfish and self serving.

You are not being unreasonable, he is. And eww on his comments on his potential step sister. Hope she is of age.

I recommend some serious IC for you both to figure out what a healthy relationship is and could possibly be.

Hope things get better for you.

What are you getting from this relationship?

Why would you want to stay in this kind of relationship?

You aren't being unreasonable to want those things from your WH. However, I feel he has made it clear to you that he isn't interested in giving you what you need. I am so sorry, mysticpenguin, I feel he is an abusive jerk to you. Don't you realize that you are worthy of so much more and you don't have to settle for the crumbs that he once in awhile throws you?

(((mysticpenguin)))

I'm confused as to why you would be willing to accept so little from him to begin with. I know there are some people out there in open relationships that work but you do not seem like one of them. You seem like you have been settling for scraps and are upset because he's not even giving you those. What is keeping you there? Why agree to a one sided open relationship to begin with? I don't mean for to sound confrontational. I'm just really curious, as well as concerned that it sounds like you are wasting time with someone who can't possibly make you happy. It sounds to me like you would be better off alone. What is it that makes you want to stay?

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IMPORTANT

this is a MUTUALLY open relationship

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:20 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

Mystic

Truly not trying to judge here but this does not make sense to me at all.

He can have sexual relations with another female...nothing more. Not even friendship.

So ONS? Or what? How will he meet these other women its okay for him to have sex with? And I can guarantee you some of these OW will want more than just sex. This arrangement seems to be allowing yourself to be set up to get hurt even more. Logically, I can't follow your thought process.

What I need from him isn't validation of myself -- it's validation of my safety in this relationship.

I know you want him to love you but YOU need to validate you. Another person cannot validate you. You need to know your worth and demand to be treated with dignity and respect.

You can't nice him into loving you. You can't guilt him into loving you. You can't make him love you in a way that validates you. You control what validates you not him.

So I guess I change my first response and say yes, you are being unreasonable.

Again, I come back with I recommend some serious IC for you both to figure out what a healthy relationship is and could possibly be.

Good luck.

Why is it okay that he has sex outside the M? Does he have to use a condom? Periodic STD tests?

What if a condom fails and results in disease or pregnancy?

I think you deserve more than he is giving, anyone deserves more.

How do you expect to get closeness from a relationship with an emotionally incapable partner? Where there is no sex, time together and where one partner is free to bang whomever they please? It just doesn't work that way, honey. Closeness is derived from intimacy, which is built on openness and trust, and respect. Your spouse shows you none of those things and in fact, says he cannot nor will he attempt to do so. Why would such a lopsided relationship be acceptable to you?

Yes, I think you have entirely unreasonable expectations. The whole relationship is unreasonable. Everything you're describing smacks of desperation on your part. Are you truly so desperate for a man that you're willing to be degraded like this for the rest of your life? You really think this level of treatment is all you're worth?

I think all you're doing is prolonging the inevitable. Your marriage is over. It's over. Yet you're so desperate to keep it that you're willing to let your husband screw other women, just as long as he's nice to you? Are you his buddy or his wife? Come on!

mysticpenguin - I am sorry that you have been betrayed.

I am in an open marriage so I may best understand some of the things that you are trying to express. However I am not sure if they way you are going about yours is going to lead to a good outcome for you. Establishment of rules and boundaries often is even more important in an open marriage than a non-open one. If your WH is not willing to follow these rules it just is not going to work. Furthermore if you are not going to enforce the rules why bother even setting them up.

Secondarily the open marriage you are describing seems to be one where he gets what he wants and by him getting what he wants you are going to get even less of what you want. I think you are asking the wrong question - you are not asking too much, you are asking too little.

I think you are going to have to step back and do some deep soul searching and ask yourself what is it exactly that you need from this M. Once you figure that out you will need to see if your WH is someone that can provide this too you. Don't short change yourself on your needs, you are worth more than you are giving yourself credit for. If an open marriage works for you that is fine, but it won't work if you are not getting the things you need.

I'm not sure I understand this correctly:

1. HE can have sex with whomever, whenever BUT do YOU need to know first? And how does he meet them? Trolling? CL?

2. If #1 is correct, then why are you upset about Olga? Did he not state he wants to fuck her? Isn't that all he can do? And that's all he stated he wants to do?

3. How can YOU ever feel safe in a relationship like this? If he just gives you the peck on the cheek, hand brushing THEN you will feel SAFE??

4. It sounds like you two do not have sex? Is that correct? If you do then aren't you afraid of contracting a STD? HIV?

5. What if a pregency results in the "just sex"?

Sweetie, my heart is breaking to read this, so I cannot image the hell you are going thru.

He is NOT SAFE! He WILL NOT give you want you need/want/deserve. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!!

You deserve someone who will give you what you need/want/deserve.

You do NOT need to take crumbs from anybody!

PLEASE go to IC. Work on yourself, never mind him.

He will never see that he needs to change. And why would he want to at this stage of the game? He can screw other women, you have no means of transportation, he's got you believing that just b/c you have a little extra weight that this is as good as you can get????

Take care of yourself. Learn to stand up for yourself.

I repeat: YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!

Sending strength.

Hi Mysticpenguin,

Can I clarify if this is what happened:

You two were married in what you both had planned to be a committed, monogamous relationship (though you had fears about your H cheating on you eventually). Your H cheated on you, and you found out. In the aftermath, the relationship became open on his side in that he can have NSA sex with other women, as long as it's just sex (which is sickening easy to do if you're in the "right" clubs ). But he wants to have sex with Olga, who is currently "family", and so she would be around all the time, in your face, and it would be impossible to be "casual" about it. Additionally, he's not open and transparent so it violates the one-sided open relationship anyway.

Is that what happened?

If you don't mind, can I ask some questions?

What was it that made you fear that your H would cheat eventually? Was it a characteristic of his? Something he said? Experiences you had yourself earlier in life (i.e. family, past partners, among friends, etc)? What made you worry about this?

When the open relationship came up, was this something you agreed to because you feared he would do it again anyway? Was this something he asked or something you suggested? How do you feel about it - does it make you unhappy or feel sick to think of him having sex with other women?

Did he agree to transparency? Is he still acting defensive or outright offensive when you ask questions?

How would he feel about NOT having an open relationship? How would he feel about being monogamous and committed to you and you alone? How would you feel about that?

How do you think the open relationship will impact your M in the long term? How about your health? And what about his character? Do you see him having sex with other girls for the rest of his life?

One more question. How does he justify sleeping with other girls when he won't sleep with his own wife? Do you want intimacy with him? How does he justify denying you that? Didn't he take the same vows as you, and didn't those vows include a husband and wife giving of themselves to each other, cherishing each other? How dare he go out and meet some other girl's needs and not yours?

If he's feeling there are problems within himself he needs to solve, it's not OK for him to go out and fuck other girls and not his wife. He's not going to find any answers in another woman's private parts. And it's also not your issue. He needs to do the work on himself. So never mind if sleeping around benefits him - it doesn't. It's not a sign of good health that he's doing this, in the wake of cheating, in a way that's inauthentic (not being transparent), and not giving the energy primarily to you and your M with him.

Most importantly (and the only thing you can change), is it bad for your health that he is out sleeping with other girls? I'm guessing yes, it is. So now, how will you take care of you? What boundaries do you need to protect yourself? How will you defend your boundaries? Take your time. It really, truly doesn't sound like this way is working. And no matter how much you want to be with him, it will do nothing but keep hurting you to do it this way.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 6:07 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

As long as a partnership is open, honest, consensual and provides for the needs of all people present in the partnership, I really don't care what that partnership is. I have authentically partnered people in hertro, homo, tiads, and open relationship/marriages who are friends of mine.

Your marriage frankly doesn't fit any of the criteria. My personal opinion, true opinion and not sarcasm, is that a dog would fit your emotional needs better. Silverhopes and ReunitePangea have given you some very thoughtful ideas. I hope that they can help you.

I'll take the one-sided openness out of it and just comment on other red flags:

--You had to sell your car to contribute to his truck - leaving you without car? Why? Because he really, really wanted that truck, huh? Now you have less option to do what you need when you need it. Pretty reliant on him, huh?

--He ragged on your looks and size in an insensitive way. Certainly this is to make you feel unworthy of him and anyone else - slowly degrading your sense of self-worth and probably leaving you questioning "what's the point of leaving?"

--When you had found the courage to get someone to come pick you up after the fight, he squashed that momentary assertion of independence. Probably scared him.

This is really scary and unhealthy. I'm serious. Take care of yourself and be careful.

I've always known he'd cheat (I never thought it'd be so soon or that he'd lie to hide it, though...

I was basically seeking reassurance that I am safe with him, secure with him, he is as invested as I am, that kind of thing.

I should mention: we are trying a one-sided open relationship --

I don't have a car (we traded it, along with his car, for his truck, which I can't drive)

This is an honest to God question and I do not mean it rudely... Do you two have one of those master/slave relationships?

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 10:15 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

Whoa!!!!! No, we do not hhave a master slave relationship

We got married young.

I think for his personality type, frankly there is no way he would have one sex partner for the rest of hid life. I knew that entering this marriage.

We agreed to have a MUTUALLY OPEN marriage -- after he'd already done it, but that's beside the point for now

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:21 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

What I need from my relationship with him is just simply love.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:22 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

Whoa!!!!! No, we do not hhave a master slave relationship

I apologize if I offended you... It was just confusing to me that you would so willingly allow such control and domination in your relationship, all for the exchange of feeling love and validated.

We got married at 20.

I was 18. I'm now in my 30s. I don't "need" to have relationships outside of my marriage.

Marrying young is not an excuse to need relationships outside of your marriage.

Why do you want to be married to someone who 1) needs sex with people other than their spouse and 2) is not willing to give you what you need?