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savvy posted 6/17/2013 19:04 PM

My H and I are trying to reconnect even tough we are seperated. D-day 2 months ago. We both want the time not living together to make sure we come back together whole or relativly whole. Here is the thing, he is affectionate and does kiss me, which is great, but I want more. He thinks its too soon and I will not react well to sex right now. He says he is attracted to me but he thinks we should get through more counseling first and make sure the time is right. I told him I felt like it was another rejection and he says not at all he just doesn't want to rush things and hurt me more. Could he be afraid of not being able to preform? (this happened during the affair when I didn't know about it of course and I am sure it was the guilt and stress on his end) I don't know what to think. Everyone talks about HB and why isn't it happening with me? My H has always been very practical when it comes to any decision making (except affair!!) I just don't know.

BW2639 posted 6/17/2013 22:15 PM

I wish I had more insight when I read questions like yours but I don't. However your concern about possible performance issues on his part seem to be plausible to me.

CLRhope4her posted 6/17/2013 22:25 PM

Initially my WH didn't want to be intimate with me because he felt it was betraying my ex-BFF/ow. Of course he didn't admit that until later. Also the guilt ate him alive and he couldn't put his heart into it.

It's been almost one full year since the A. He doesn't have feelings for the OW anymore (at least he says he doesn't and 99% of the time I believe that), but he's not as interested in sex as he used to be. He says there are things more important. During the A he felt like sex was top of the list. That's where the guilt still comes into play.

Hope it gets better for you. Two months out is still early and very raw emotionally. Sorry you're here but I hope you get some answers you need.

Knowing posted 6/18/2013 08:37 AM

When I read something like that I think the worst. You're getting an awful lot of excuses but not the work. If he has a "fear" he needs to work it through, in IC and with you. What about fooling around together, working up to it? You need to reconcile on all fronts, including sexually.

It sounds like ILYBINILWY. How deep in the fog is he? Are you sure he isn't cake-eating? It was miraculous how quickly my fWH's ED cleared up as soon as the A was "really over".

easiersaid posted 6/18/2013 09:00 AM

I am 5 months out, and while we are trying to R and live/sleep together, sex has been crappy. We never did the HB some here talk about, and when we finally started having sex again last month (I could barely stand the sight of him until recently), he comes almost immediately. We/he has never had this issue before (at least with me) so I can see fear as a potential concern.

crazyblindsided posted 6/18/2013 12:10 PM

but he's not as interested in sex as he used to be. He says there are things more important. During the A he felt like sex was top of the list.

This is where we are at and I'm not sure either. WH does seem depressed lately.

(((savvy))) I am wondering if you and your WH can begin by doing the hand holding hugging and spooning first and let the intimacy come on it's own.

We had HB and now WH just isn't interested like he used to be. My WH is also having ED issues he has never had before.

I know what you mean about feeling rejected.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:11 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

sisoon posted 6/18/2013 12:22 PM

We were lucky enough to get some counseling from my W's IC on D-Day. Her suggestion was for me to start again when I felt like it and, essentially, for my W to go along with me unless she felt sick. (There was a little bit more nuance to it, but not much.)

One thing that really bothers me about this is that your H isn't being clear or honest, and the main thing he owes you now is honesty.

When you say, 'Now,' and he says 'I don't want to hurt you,' I'd bet everything I own that he's lying to you, at least by not telling his whole truth. He may be lying to himself, too, but both are totally unacceptable.

If he's having performance problems, he can't resolve 'em unless he admits he's got 'em. If he's got an STD, he needs to tell you. He needs to come clean.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:24 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

savvy posted 6/18/2013 18:38 PM

No STD , we have both been tested. But he maybe afraid of disfunction issues I don't know. He didn't always have them, just a few times during time of his afair ( of course I didn't know about the afair then)
After talking today with IC she really thinks its not a big deal that he is hesitant at this time. He is working with many issues with his IC at this time not just our relationship and my councelor feels he could be feeling a lot of pressure and stress. I am going to just give it some more time, not going to rush into anything. thank you all for replies I know I can alway count on SI people!
hugs and strength to all

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/18/2013 19:30 PM

I'm seeing a lot of "he thinks" and "he says" in your post. Maybe this will be controversial...but if your genders were reversed, would we be having the same conversation? I'm the wayward, also very close to DDay, and I apologize for the TMI, but if BH asks for it...I am like, yes sir, thank you sir, you name the position! Are you kidding me? I'm gonna have the nerve tell my BH it's too soon for him, when I recently cheated on him?! FTN. Your WH has performance issues? So what? Pretty sure he can satisfy you in ways that don't require Viagra.

I'm not happy with your IC's attitude about this. Sisoon's was on the right track. WH is feeling pressure and stress? Boo fucking hoo. He took care of his needs. If he refuses to take care of yours, FTG.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 7:55 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

RidingHealingRd posted 6/18/2013 19:42 PM

I agree with this ^^^^ and Sisson.

He thinks its too soon and I will not react well to sex right now

It is not his place to make that call.

His behavior is troubling to me. You let him know that you feel rejected (as most would) and he does not take action?

Are you certain that the affair has stopped?

DefiledRage posted 6/18/2013 19:47 PM

He thinks its too soon and I will not react well to sex right now

To be blunt it's not really his place to decide what is best for you. If you feel your ready for that, then he needs to step up. The affair was all about his selfish needs, holding out when you ask is still about his selfish needs. Doesn't matter if he's stressed or struggling with feeling for the AP. He should be attending to you, doing what it takes to show you he'll put your needs before his own.
I like 20Wrongs response from the other side. That's the attitude he should have towards you IMO.