This is just to say, the affair partner paints the WS into a wonderful person and its easier for them to believe that than to face their issues and work hard to overcome them.
I told him what I wanted and expected, that while he was behaving as he was, I would be re-evaluating my desire to remain in the M.
You do not have stay if you don't want too. There is no time period for staying or leaving after dday.
If you are not ready to decide, work on to detaching so you can make one.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
Infidelity does change a WS in a fundamental way. It could be a good thing for her to be digging in to that...what are the changes?
In what way(s) is she not fully committed to R?
The 4 necessities of successful R:
2 months is early, and it doesn't sound like she's ready for MC. Your patience speaks highly of you, but why are you doing all the work?
Making meals, etc.?
Are you trying to 'nice her back'? Bad idea. Won't work.
She needs to shoulder some responsibilities - to give you some consideration, time, & space to heal from what she did to the M.
Others have success giving a few months, or six months, or a year, but personally, I would be long gone (or kick out the WS). I did successfully R with my H but he was immediately and extremely remorseful after D-day. If anything he seemed to love me more and better, not express things like your wife is, about not being sure she wants to R at all.
I know having a child involved makes this that much harder.
It seems hard to know if you do what you want will you push her away? I soooo get that. I too was tiptoes, and eggshells in the early days of R. And we both commited to R on Dday. I realized though that he had made those choices to have an A, to create a new relationship that took precedent over me, and our kids, that he did all that by himself. I didn't cause it, I didn't influence it.
We had a HUGE argument early in R, probably like a month out from DDay, and I remember him driving off (we had met in a public place to shop after work)pissed off, without saying where he was going. All the time worring he was going to call her, seek her out, and me be so distraught I was afraid to drive for a bit. I cried, shook, puked, all the fun things....but then I had an overwhelming calm come over me. I realized that I could NEVER stop him from making his own choices. By trying to keep the peace I was only hurting myself. If he decided R wasn't worth it, then I needed to know sooner than later. This acceptance gave me strength and peace.
When I got home he was worried about me. I told him then I can't stop you from making your own choices, and limiting your actions. I get that, but I can stop you from disrespecting me, and allowing it to continue. (WE were in false R, he continually broke NC for a while). I got the strength for the keylogger, I chose to lay down my boundaries with consequences again. When I finally pushed back, and demanded the love, and respect I deserved, that's when his fog cleared, that's when he had his real AHHA moment. That was when real R started.
Life is short, and can be ripped away in a breath. Don't spend it worrying about what your choices will do to her. Take care of you, and the rest will follow.
So let me get this straight...you cook, clean and pay the bills, and she is getting in touch with her inner slut?!? Sorry dude, that is just wrong in so many ways.
I would suggest, in the kindest possible way, that you implement the 180 like yesterday. You can continue to cook, but I would only make two portions, one for you and one for your precious daughter. Do not clean for your wife, do not do her laundry, do not do little things for her, do not exchange pleasantries with her. Do not engage in conversations about your future. I would only discuss your child and financial issues with her, the rest of the time you will be too busy moving forward with your own life.
She and her therapist have got things totally backwards. Please do not let the thought that your daughter will be harmed stop you from D. Your daughter would probably be more greatly harmed by being the reason you stay in an unhealthy marriage.
I hope things improve for you soon. You do not deserve this type of treatment. Take care.
Infidelity is the single most damaging thing that can happen to a marriage/relationship.
You do not have to do this alone. You can't do this alone.
It takes years to recover from the betrayal of infidelity.
Support is needed during this time. There are others who can help guide you and you heal from the pain over time. It's a long journey, but one that you do not have to take by yourself.
Here you will find support, safety and encouragement. The breach of trust caused by an affair feels like a mountain to overcome, especially if you are alone. Support is needed to heal from the emotional and sometimes physical trauma of adultry. You can survive.
Your wife needs to get her head out of her butt and really do a deep dive on what it is she wants. Honesty. No cakewalking. Love is a choice. One chooses to love.
180 her NOW. Don't wait around and be an option for her.
Get IC for yourself so you know how to best navigate the waters. Also see an attorney so you know your rights in case it doesn't work out. You don't have to do anything right now. But knowledge is power.
Good luck. I hope she comes out of the fog soon.
being a man I want to start 'fixing' things right away
Naturally. But I think you mean fixing her, & that you can't do.
It's funny isn't it? Here you are doing everything, being honorable, hard working, & what does she do?
If she's not ready to make a permanent decision for you?
Master the 180.
In a way, aren't you allowing yourself to be used as a doormat - while she decides?
I wouldn't put the noble mask of patience on her moral ambivalence.
Her IC is enabling under the guise of emotional instability.
Is that on your dime too?
I'd blow that up.
Your WW is the one who should be busting her ass to make this work. Right now you need to focus on you and your child, period. Your WW needs to deal with her stuff on her own as well as help you heal. If she is too "emotionally unstable" then you definitely need to 180 her. She is using that to suck you back in to caring for her. My STBXWW does the same thing. It's a manipulation tactic, even though it may seem legit.
Very sorry that this has happened to you.
You don't need that nonsense.
Try to take a step back from your hurt and think about what you would want for your best friend, or son, or any other man you care for deeply.
The message coming across is that your wife is calling the shots and soon you will be notified of her decision as to the possibility of reconciliation.
she doesn't want to slam the door OR give false hope at this point.