How can I trust her.
And here is the $64K question. You know that you cannot trust what she says, she lied during her A, she lied after dday, she lied when she said that there would be transparency.
I would ask her to demonstrate and attempt to prove to you that she is worthy of your trust. Tell her that based on the past few months, you baseline assumption is that she is not worthy of trust. You will assume she is meeting or talking with an OM unless she is able to prove otherwise to you. You will assume that she had "actual sex" as well as oral sex, fingering sex, kissing, and more with the OM you know of and OM you do not know of unless she can convince you that she is being honest, open, and transparent. You will presume she does not care for you, nor want the M unless she demonstrates to you in sustained ways that she does care for you and that she does want to be M'd to you. Meanwhile, take your focus off of her and place it on to you and your healing. Work on detaching from her, and have her come to you to prove she is doing right as opposed to you chasing her to prove she is still acting as a wayward.
She promised to never hurt me again just like she promised to always be faithful.
Right, you get it. She is not trust-worthy given her past behaviors. Ask her what she is going to do to ensure she does not hurt you again. Ask her why she had the A, and what she is doing to change so that the next time she does not have another A. What was she looking for in the EA's? What will be different the next time she is looking for that type of affirmation? Why did she decide it was OK to blow a guy and let him finger her? Why would you believe that she would make a different choice the next time?
Has she read Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed these books with you? This would be a way for her to demonstrate that she is trying to understand why she had her A, so that she can address her issues to prevent a future A.
Has she given you a complete timeline and answered your follow-up questions? This would be a way for her to demonstrate that she is trying to be honest, transparent, and end the on-going hurts her past behaviors keep delivering to you.
I don't know if I should continue R and do things differently.
You have not been in R as she is not yet participating and it takes two to R. Here is a suggestion on a way to do things differently. Set R aside, and if you do not want to D just now, set that aside too. Enter the phase I refer to as “not divorcing”. Decide what you need from your WW for you to consider R. The couple of things I listed above may be a start. Her doing IC to figure out, own, and fix her “Whys” may be another. Use this time to work on yourself, and getting to acceptance (this is different than forgiveness) and your own healing. Work on making your life (independent of your WW) what you want it to be. For me this included expanding my network of social friends, getting finances in better shape in case D was the path I wanted, working out to become healthier, and revisiting activities and hobbies I had let go after I was M’d.
Let her prove to you that she is worthy of you, a safe partner for you, and someone you want to be M’d to. While she is doing this, work on yourself to become the best codiath that you can be.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:56 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]