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blakesteele posted 6/17/2013 21:14 PM

So I am only 9 months out from DD...but this month marks the start of the A my wife brought into our home a year ago.

Tonight we were both involved in a week long volunteer activity...the same activity we did last year together...1 year an 1 week ago the affair was spawned. I did not know this at that time...thought this volunteer activity was fun and believed it was helping us expand our interactions together and was feeling REALLY good about this....was excited to see her interacting with the group..doing her thing while I did mine...occasionally running into each other just briefly...reminded me of our college days a bit.

Now I just feel stupid for thinking that way.

As we worked this activity together tonight I thought how very different I was feeling.

I can only relate it loosely to losing a loved one and all the firsts you experience that first year. The first Christmas without them, first birthday without them...etc..

I was NOT expecting this AT ALL...was actually in a really good spot for 2-3 weeks prior to this.

Is this just another down turn on the emotional roller coaster or can I expect this feeling to continue through this year?

I am really glad we cancelled an annual gathering with college friends this summer...traditionally taking place in late July...when the affair was really heating up.

I can only imagine how uncomfortable that would have been.

Shame of THAT is we are a small family...with hardly any traditions...so it is hard to give the ones up that we developed...I guess this act is just another cost to us. sigh.

Anyone just complete a full second year and care to chime in on what you felt? I realize that while affairs are hardly unique in American society today...the individuals involved in them ARE unique and, therefore, each experience will be different.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:19 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

MC_Jack posted 6/17/2013 21:42 PM

Hey Blake,

I hear what you are saying. I have felt the same way:

"ok so last year on this day we were doing this and that together, our M seemed good, no complaints from you, etc., AND YOU WERE LYING AND BETRAYING?!?!"

To answer your question, after the year mark, yes the feeling of trauma and disorientation subsides.
It certainly helps. The search for the why continues though...

CLRhope4her posted 6/17/2013 22:35 PM

I did the same thing almost daily. My one year anniversary of DDay is in a few weeks. I feel better knowing last year I was miserable because I was in the process of losing a BFF and a 'faithful' H. It helps me to think last year at this time.....oh wait I knew last year. So now it's actually better. I can function and appear almost normal. Sure couldn't do that last year.

Since my OW was my BFF of over twenty years our families had birthday celebrations, holidays together, cookouts.....now we don't go anywhere or do anything. I don't have friendships and I'm worried of running into the OW in our small town. The sense of loss is huge. I completely understand your feelings. But now they don't sting or devastate. Just a bit of sadness then I move on.

I hope your peace comes soon :)

sisoon posted 6/18/2013 11:41 AM

If what you describe isn't absolutely normal, it's at least within the range of normality. Lots of people get hit with this anguish at this time.

In my case, my W's PA lasted 4.5 months. I was more or less an emotional wreck from the 1 year antiversary of the start of the P to the 1 year antiversary of D-Day. It was awful.

I felt a lot better on the actual D-Day antiversary, though - I couldn't say any longer, '1 year ago, she was ....'

Hang in. Better days are coming.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 6/18/2013 11:55 AM

I struggled around the one year mark too. In retrospect though, the time leading up to the one year mark was tougher than the antiversary itself.

Being in the "affair season" brought back painful memories for me. You look at the date and say "oh that's right, a year ago today, you met the AP in the airport to go away with him for a weeek." That sucks. It does get better.

What helped me was looking at my wife for who she was becoming, not at the person she had been.

And it does get better.

worknprogress posted 6/18/2013 12:02 PM

My 1yr D-day anniversary is a few weeks away. This has really been the worst year of my life, but I am slowly making peace with everything that has transpired.

We have a custom calendar on our kitchen door with photos of the family from each month of the year. This month's photo has been a bitter reminder. Every time I see it I think about how happy I looked and feel like it is the last time I was authentically happy. I hope to one day find happiness like that again.

It is tough not to mourn the loss of innocence in your marriage... the innocent trusting happiness the photo represents for me is gone and will never return. I think you can use that loss to make yourself a better more resilient person... I am trying, maybe someday I will succeed.

Lucky posted 6/18/2013 12:11 PM

Part of the grief process is dealing with unwanted and hurtful memories. Dealing with affair 'dates' is horrific, but... this too will get easier in time.

Maybe don't be so hasty to give up your traditions, perhaps try and add to them to make them more special for next years memories.

What you are feeling and dealing with is the new normal. It sucks. But it truly does get better.