Turns out he was doing all that and then some. I have a lot of should've, could've, would've. I should have followed my instincts, but I didn't and now I'm in this pain. I've been out for over a year and it still hurts.
If he really is interested in gaining your trust, he needs to give you access not only to the computer, but also passwords to his email and facebook accounts. I would recommend, if you do get access to the computer, to install a keylogger so you can access his accounts without him knowing.
If you can spend $100 dls, you can also get some spy software that will record everystroke he types in the computer, plus who it goes to and what is being sent into his accounts and have that log mailed to you.
Take care of yourself, drink water, go to your doctor and ask for an antidepresive if you feel you need it. And most of all, continue posting, there's a lot of help here.
As for the pain...the only fix is time. Your life long partner and spouse has betrayed and deceived you - what you are feeling is par for this course, I'm afraid. Posting here helps, it lets you know you are not alone. IC can help... but ultimately you gotta go through it to get through it. A remorseful spouse can help - but I'm not so sure that is what you have...
He told me he would do anything I want,
Well you could tell him you want total transparency! You want to feel safe in your marriage! You want him to write a NC letter to OW which you approve before it is sent. You could tell him you want access to the bank acct and to know where the money is and where it goes - so that you know he isn't supporting her, or flying her out for rendez vous... (or whatever you need to tell him to gain access and to safeguard your marital assets -- your name should be on those accts. and the house...
What you also may want to consider is consulting with an atty. and see where you stand. Knowledge is power.
I'm sorry but his secrecy is not the behavior of a remorseful spouse. His actions in regards to his computer and phone - contradict his words. I think it is safe to assume the A is continuing.
You need to see an attorney and understand your legal and financial RIGHTS ASAP!!!
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
I tried out the free version on my computer first, and could not detect.
My FWH works for a large company with a large IT dept.
He has had the computer worked on many times and it was never detected.
Try one and you will see.
I don't know whether to trust he is sincere or not.
No, do not trust him on anything right now. He has lied and cheated for over a year.
Being sorry and acting like a nice guy doesn't cover this one.
His actions will speak louder than any words. If he is still denying it happened then you shouldn't trust him on anything. He is still lying.
And how do you know it is really over? If he is saying it was a ONS and you know otherwise - who is to say he simply hasn't just taken it all underground. Demand the passwords to his computer and phone. If he won't give them up then that is telling.
Other than that he is the most attentive husband and father he could be
Please see your doctor and get in to IC. You need to find some strength and courage to follow your instincts and be true to yourself.
You matter and you deserve truth, honesty and love.
Good luck. Sending hugs
He says he wants to do whatever it takes to make it better. Than that means transparency, he needs to give you access to everything. People who have nothing to hide will not have a problem with that. If he isn't willing to do that then he is continuing to have an A.
Don't take anything less than what you require to make your marriage work. Gather your proof, make sure you save it in a place he cannot delete it and then confront him.
I guess you have to decide if this is a deal breaker or if you can move on from this. If you chose to move on you need to be clear on what it is you want to move forward.
NC letter, access to all computers and phones, IC and/or MC..etc. Be firm on this, and don't let him cake eat! Just remember Reconcilliation only works if both parties are participating fully.
I am sorry you have to go through this too. Just remember you have lots of support here.