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I feel so lost and insecure

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chiquita posted 6/17/2013 21:25 PM

How do I start? I knew it all the time, but I told myself he wasn't that kind of person, he would never do that to me, his wife of 29 years.
I found very "intimate" photos of him with her. Until that afternoon he denied everything in a very arrogant way, telling me that I was imagining everything, that I knew him to be a decent person. That night I looked in his computer and once he knew I had seen the pictures he started telling me he was the victim of a prank. He got drunk and didn't know what happened. This was in January 22nd, and up to this day he swears that is the truth.
Friends and members of his own family had seen him with her and were suspecting something but didn't have proof enough to tell me. He was with her for over a year but he denies everything, he says it was just one night, the night the pictures were taken.
Unfortunately for me, the money we have is all under his name and I have decided, after reading your blog, not to make a decision until I get my head clear. Everything is still very blurry. I want to start transferring this money into an account where I can have access to it, before confronting him about the lies I know he is telling me. After all, I have invested more than 30 years in building what we have.
I have to say that since DDay he has been completely dedicated to me and our 2 children, 16 and 19, and he does anything I ask him to. He told me he would do anything I want, and he wouldn't give me a reason to leave him. Since then he hasn't. My problem is that he spends a lot of time on his computer, to which he put a password, so that I can't access anymore.
We moved to a city very far from where she is, but the fact that he doesn't tell me the truth and that he has blocked me from accessing his phone and computer makes me think he is still communicating with her, even if just to end the relationship, or that he is having an emotional affair with her. Other than that he is the most attentive husband and father he could be. He talks about rebuilding and going forward. Until a little over a year ago, he was almost "the perfect husband". During this year I know he was with her, he turned into an aggressive, always complaining husband. But since the DDay he has dedicated all his energy to rebuild the relationship with our children and with me.
My head just spins around. I don't know whether to believe that he is manipulating me and will do it again or if he really is sorry and is trying to do the right thing now.
I love him, used to respect him as a person and I have seen the very best of him in the past. What to do? The pain is still very strong and I don't know whether to trust he is sincere or not.
I have very bad episodes, where I can't sleep, and my managing the household and the children has suffered greatly because of this. Only a few close friends know about this.
Please tell me how to manage this pain and this sense of being lost.

horaliar posted 6/17/2013 21:51 PM

I know how you feel, WH turned into a completely different person during his A. I suspected it, confronted him, and he got upset, told me how could I think that of him, that she was married (OW is an old flame).

Turns out he was doing all that and then some. I have a lot of should've, could've, would've. I should have followed my instincts, but I didn't and now I'm in this pain. I've been out for over a year and it still hurts.

If he really is interested in gaining your trust, he needs to give you access not only to the computer, but also passwords to his email and facebook accounts. I would recommend, if you do get access to the computer, to install a keylogger so you can access his accounts without him knowing.

If you can spend $100 dls, you can also get some spy software that will record everystroke he types in the computer, plus who it goes to and what is being sent into his accounts and have that log mailed to you.

Take care of yourself, drink water, go to your doctor and ask for an antidepresive if you feel you need it. And most of all, continue posting, there's a lot of help here.

Take2 posted 6/17/2013 22:43 PM

Welocme Chiquita, sorry you have cause to have found us!

As for the pain...the only fix is time. Your life long partner and spouse has betrayed and deceived you - what you are feeling is par for this course, I'm afraid. Posting here helps, it lets you know you are not alone. IC can help... but ultimately you gotta go through it to get through it. A remorseful spouse can help - but I'm not so sure that is what you have...

He told me he would do anything I want,

Well you could tell him you want total transparency! You want to feel safe in your marriage! You want him to write a NC letter to OW which you approve before it is sent. You could tell him you want access to the bank acct and to know where the money is and where it goes - so that you know he isn't supporting her, or flying her out for rendez vous... (or whatever you need to tell him to gain access and to safeguard your marital assets -- your name should be on those accts. and the house...

What you also may want to consider is consulting with an atty. and see where you stand. Knowledge is power.

I'm sorry but his secrecy is not the behavior of a remorseful spouse. His actions in regards to his computer and phone - contradict his words. I think it is safe to assume the A is continuing.


Dare2Trust posted 6/18/2013 01:57 AM

Unless your husband is willing to send OW a NO CONTACT LETTER telling her this affair is over....and to give you 100% Transparency: Access to all his phones, text, email accounts....You can assume he is still in contact with the OW and this affair IS NOT OVER.

You need to see an attorney and understand your legal and financial RIGHTS ASAP!!!

chiquita posted 6/20/2013 08:37 AM

Thanks to all for your comments and advice. I have been sleeping only 2-3 hour a day during the last week. I saw a doctor and got a prescription so hopefully now I can rest at night and clear my head so I can make better decisions.
Dare2trust, your story is so much painful but also so comforting to know one can actually survive and do better than before the A in life.
All of the advice I have received is so good I am working on doing the things you guys have suggested. My only problem is with the spyware or key logger, since H is extremely tech advanced with all these devices and I am afraid he is going to notice if something is installed in his computer, unfortunately since that is how he communicates with her, I need the proof to confront him. He is never going to admit it.

2yrs+recovering posted 6/20/2013 11:28 AM

I used a keylogger relytec on my FWH computer to keep track.

I tried out the free version on my computer first, and could not detect.

My FWH works for a large company with a large IT dept.

He has had the computer worked on many times and it was never detected.

Try one and you will see.

chiquita posted 6/20/2013 15:38 PM

Thanks a lot for the info. I will use it.

1Faith posted 6/20/2013 15:55 PM

I don't know whether to trust he is sincere or not.

No, do not trust him on anything right now. He has lied and cheated for over a year.

Being sorry and acting like a nice guy doesn't cover this one.

His actions will speak louder than any words. If he is still denying it happened then you shouldn't trust him on anything. He is still lying.

And how do you know it is really over? If he is saying it was a ONS and you know otherwise - who is to say he simply hasn't just taken it all underground. Demand the passwords to his computer and phone. If he won't give them up then that is telling.

Other than that he is the most attentive husband and father he could be

This is codependency talking...please don't do deserve the real deal. Not half the package. This is like an abused woman saying "he's really great when he's not beating me"

Please see your doctor and get in to IC. You need to find some strength and courage to follow your instincts and be true to yourself.

You matter and you deserve truth, honesty and love.

Good luck. Sending hugs

chiquita posted 7/5/2013 02:27 AM

All of are so right about what Is happenig here. I know it in my heart and also because of his actions. I have discovered more information that confirms my suspicion that he is still communicating with her and confronted him about it and he is still lying to my face. I know I don't want this kind of man as my husband, I know I have to stop thissituation but I don't know how to go about that. I can't find the strenght to do it. I also don't want fo leave.the OW

chiquita posted 7/5/2013 02:53 AM

I was saying that I don't want to leave the OW a paved road especially since I know she is in just for the money and she has done this with other men before.
I am hoping that once the antidepresants start working (only one week now), I will be able to find the proper and more dignifying way to take action.
I debate between telling him all I know and he is denying or kicking him out of the house. Should I do the last or wait until I gather more proof that he can not deny? Please help.

ninebark posted 7/5/2013 06:05 AM

The first thing you need to do is protect yourself. Go see a lawyer, make sure you are protected financially. It doesn't mean you have to file for divorce right away but you need to be armed.

He says he wants to do whatever it takes to make it better. Than that means transparency, he needs to give you access to everything. People who have nothing to hide will not have a problem with that. If he isn't willing to do that then he is continuing to have an A.

Don't take anything less than what you require to make your marriage work. Gather your proof, make sure you save it in a place he cannot delete it and then confront him.

I guess you have to decide if this is a deal breaker or if you can move on from this. If you chose to move on you need to be clear on what it is you want to move forward.

NC letter, access to all computers and phones, IC and/or MC..etc. Be firm on this, and don't let him cake eat! Just remember Reconcilliation only works if both parties are participating fully.

I am sorry you have to go through this too. Just remember you have lots of support here.

chiquita posted 7/23/2013 23:46 PM

I have made a decisionÖ
But I donít have enough guts to follow through.
I am hurting still. I feel more calmed and I have learned to hide my pain and desperation so he doesnít suspect what my plans are. I have decided to kick him out of our house. I have no doubt he keeps communicating with her through email or some other internet system. We moved to the other side of the country so she is not close, but I found music on the computer that he has never listened to before (he is very predictable in this way) and it is all about begging not to leave her, she will always wait for him and how much she misses their love nights. This makes me think, that in fact he tried to break up with her but she is making it difficult by telling him constantly how much she misses him, loves him and canít leave without him. The problem is that he told me about two months ago, that he has had no contact with her in any way and that he will not have any in the future.
As time goes by, his actions and the way he is behaving towards me, shows me he is still with her and for what I can see, she is winning. He doesnít try to comfort me anymore like he did at the beginning when I found out; on the contrary when I have bad moments he gets upset. Also, no more sex, not even the minimum interest, lots of kisses in my forehead and holding hands when we sleep but that is it. I have to admit that I had trouble with the sex part when he tried before, because I ended up always picturing him with her, so he says he is giving me time.
The fact is that I have finally accepted what happened and I have also come to realize that I donít want to share my life with the person he has become. I know for sure he is not even remorseful, he is enjoying her begging and constant declarations of love and just expecting me to do the rest in our marriage, probably waiting to see if I match her endless love.
It has been six months since DDAY and I havenít been able to gather any proof that I can actually show as such. I know all those songs are being sent to him by email but I have no access to his phone or tablet so it is very difficult, really impossible, to show anything. Our 30th marriage anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks and I have become such an ugly person that on that day is when I am planning to ask him to move out. He will tell my family (parents and children), and his family, who will be visiting by then, that I am destroying our marriage based on suspicions because my lack of proof. What to do? I am desperate. Does anybody know a way to gather this proof? I think he keeps his files in a hard disk that he removed from his computer shortly after DDAY but I donít know how to connect it to the computer to check for them. I also contacted a store that sells a device that will extract all his messages, phone records and everything else I need but they told me I need access to the phone to be able to use it.
I donít sleep enough even though I am taking sleeping pills and I have lost 10 pounds, I need to end this craziness and start moving on. I am not planning to file for divorce yet, I want him to clear his head, so he can figure out if he wants to stay with me or not, but I havenít done it because I donít know if this will backfire. Please help meÖ

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