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Must Survive posted 6/17/2013 22:21 PM

I have received 2 letters from my lawyer. In them are copies of STBXH lawyer letters. In both, his lawyer says that he wants me to allow DS(16) to spend more time with him. WTF?
The one I received today "Mr a$$hole would appreciate if your client will allow the son to spend more time with him. Could you arrange it without a referral to family court services? Thank you.

I don't get involved with when DS sees his father. DS has his own cell phone (paid by me) and responds via txt or phone regarding times spent with his father. I told my lawyer after the first letter, the above. DS does not even ask permission. He just mentions when he has plans with his father. I don't tell him he can or can't go. I'm not involved at all.

So of course every letter, email etc costs me $. Should I respond or just not worry about it. I am pissed because I am sure STBXH thinks its all me, the reason he is not seeing his son. Not that his son does not want to see him.

Nature_Girl posted 6/17/2013 22:33 PM

How old is your son?

Nature_Girl posted 6/17/2013 22:37 PM

Oh. Duh. I see now that he's 16-years old.

I don't think you have a choice. You need to respond, otherwise you're being threatened with a custody battle. That's what he means by the "referral to family court services", isn't it

But your response needs to go through your lawyer. How did your lawyer respond the first time?

persevere posted 6/17/2013 22:39 PM

I would be very clear that you absolutely allow DS16 to spend time with his father - they communicate directly and you have nothing to do with it.

TrustNoOne posted 6/17/2013 22:51 PM

I, too, would communicate exactly as persevere suggests and I would do so exactly once.

At 16, depending on the area in which you live, the young man may be permitted to make his own decisions regarding with whom he lives; with whom and how often he communicates; and where and with whom he visits and socializes.

Unless you are willfully and intentionally obstructing a relationship between your son and your XH, I think your XH will do more to damage a relationship with your son if he drags him through family court, evaluations, assessments, etc.

16 y/o's have friends, social engagements, sports, part-time jobs, and so on. They naturally tend to spend less time with Mom or Dad at this point...no ill-will. No favoritism. No purposeful avoidance. It's part of growing up.

I'd wonder if this is your XH's way of keeping you engaged, entangled and spun up - rather than really about more time with his son.


ButterflyGirl posted 6/17/2013 23:13 PM

I'd wonder if this is your XH's way of keeping you engaged, entangled and spun up - rather than really about more time with his son.

I agree he sounds like he's bored, just trying to start an argument to get you engaging, or maybe he realizes that he screwed his relationship up with his son, but he wants it to be anyone's fault but his own..

If the relationship is how you describe, then if he wants to spend more time with your son, why doesn't he just ask him??

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 11:13 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

Must Survive posted 6/17/2013 23:35 PM

Butterflygirl: I have had no contact for a year. I can't imagine he is smart enough to have his lawyer make comments like this, expecting me to do anything. All contact for the past 1 year has been through lawyers. STBXH does ask (occasionally for additional time. DS says no.

I just think STBXH does not realize the damage he did to his relationship with his son, and thinks its all my fault. Which makes me mad.

FYI, my first marriage, 3 kids. Full communication and still friends with X. The kids saw their dad anytime he/they wanted. They still spend time with him. AND 1st X and I are friendly, sit together at graduations, bdays, baby showers, baby births etc. I think STBXH thought that was how I would be with him. NNOOTT. I guess what I am saying, is I know how to make sure kids have relationship with their dad, I have done it before. I suspect STBXH is mad because he thought it would be the same for him. He did not take into account how his DS would react.

dmari posted 6/18/2013 00:01 AM

Oh brother ... I'm in the same boat as you MustSurvive!! Why why why do they think they can destroy their family and then expect the kids/teens to carry on a relationship as if nothing changed??? I truly don't understand their thinking.

My stbx thinks that it is my fault that the kids don't want anything to do with him. They each have their own phone and are able to call or text him if they wanted to. How do you force a teen to spend time with their dad? How would forcing them help their relationship?

In our state, you can't force a teen to call or visit. I like and agree with TrustNoOne's response. I also think he wants to piss you off.

I'm just curious how you were able to be on friendly terms with first husband? I just don't see myself doing what you do with your first husband.

GabyBaby posted 6/18/2013 00:11 AM

A thought occurred to me: is it possible that your DS is using you as an easy excuse to get out of seeing his father?

"Sorry Dad, I'd love to go, but Mom said I cant that day".

Either way, I think 16 is old enough to be able to decide if he wants to go or not- and most courts listen to/recognize the teen's desires in visitation etc.

Must Survive posted 6/18/2013 00:31 AM

Dmari,

First X did not cheat. We had tried to work things out. Wasnt going to happen. He did have the Peter Pan issue, and left like a chicken shit. BUt, he treated me with respect. We were married for 14 years, just were not right for each other. I cared more about my kids then I did about making him hurt. Same thing with my DS. When this all started I told him that no matter what my relationship was with his father, he was still his dad. And my DS looked at me and said "mom" you can have whatever relationship with dad as you want. I will chose what kind of relationship I have with him and I will deal with him how I want."
At that point, all I do is support my DS, talk to him, help him when he questions his choices etc. I have had multiple teachers, counselors tell me that he is very mature for his age and that he is processing ok.

Must Survive posted 6/18/2013 00:35 AM

Gabybaby,

I doubt DS would use me as an excuse, but worth me asking him to be sure.

sparkysable posted 6/18/2013 08:51 AM

I think this is just an idle threat honestly. No judge will force a 16 year old to spend time with their father.

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