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Just found out.. Needs advice

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Phoebesma posted 6/17/2013 23:04 PM

My husband and I married last September and had twin babies in December. In may he decided he was no longer happy and moved out, about 2 weeks later he moved back and decided to work things out. I knew he had been texting this girl but he always assured me they were just friends. Things had been going so well at this point. On Thursday I went through his phone because I never truly believed him. There were sext and nude photos and extremely hurtful things. I confronted him which of course he flew off the handle. He relaxed and told me it was once and that it made him love me more and that he would do anything to make it work. I had taken screen shots of the texts and reviewed them the next day and realized it had just happened. It wasn't a while ago like he said.They had talked about how they had sex on tuesday ( I had taken our kids out of town for a few days to give him a break) they talked about how they had sex at our house and how much he enjoyed it. I just couldn't believe it. He was Telling me how much he missed me and how much he loved me. I took all our bedding in the backyard and set it on fire and just watched it burn. How can I believe all the things he told me in the last month when he was sleeping with her. And why her? I'm a attractive blonde woman, I'm a very influential hair dresser in our area, I've done modeling and he slept with a 260 lb 20 year old who works at wetzels pretzels! I've never been so hurt in my life, I have to drink just to help me fall asleep. I cry all day long. He wants to make it work but I can barely look at him. All I keep doing is replaying all those texts in my head. I wonder how they did it and what they did. It's completely killing me. I have no idea what to do at this point. Do I want it to work? Can I love him again? Do I only want to stay with him so I'm not a single mom? I'm so lost.

Jospehine85 posted 6/17/2013 23:17 PM


First, start reading in the Healing Library. It's in the little box on the top left of the page.

Secondly, go see a lawyer and find out your rights. Find out what you can expect from a divorce. It is important to do this so you have no fears about leaving your WH. It does NOT mean you have to leave him.

Thirdly, take care of yourself. You are priority number one right now.

Is he completely transparent with you? Do you have total access to his phone, email, facebook, etc? Is he answering all your questions? Does your gut tell you he is remorseful? If you answer No to any of these questions, please reconsider staying with him.

You are young, you have been married a very short period of time. Your children are infants. I think there are many of us who would walk away if we were in your position. There are many normal men out there who would NOT behave as your spouse has.

It is not a good sign that he moved out in May, came back and yet was continuing his A.

It is abusive that he flew off the handle when you confronted him. It was deceitful that he than lied about it.

I hope you realize your WH has problems and his A has nothing to do with you, your personality or your looks. It is more likely that he has an insatiable need to have his ego stroked.

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 8:15 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

ButterflyGirl posted 6/18/2013 00:09 AM

I agree with everything Josephine said and just wanted to add some extra hugs..


ButterflyGirl posted 6/18/2013 00:09 AM

And nice move with the bedding.. Burning things is very healing, and one way or the other, that stuff needed to go..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 12:10 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

sportsfan posted 6/18/2013 09:01 AM

Just a few thoughts:

* I think you need to get to a MC - if he is unwilling then get to a D attny - know your rights
* That he "flew off the handle" is aggressive posturing - if you back down he'll know the next time to do it again - don't back down
* Most WS A down
* You have 2 infants so please be mindful of your drinking - H can also hold that against you should you move toward D
* Read up on the 180 - it works
* If you have family support in your area use them - living in betrayal mode is exhausting - drop off your twins and try to sleep
* Ruminating is natural - eventually those mind movies lose their sting
* Do whatever you can to get full disclosure - what you learn will hurt but what you don't learn yet suspect will haunt you for a long time
* take care of yourself first and foremost

Good luck and hang in there...

1Faith posted 6/18/2013 10:59 AM


I am so sorry this had happened and that your find yourself here. It is a safe place that is filled with people who care.

It is normal to have ambivalent feelings towards your spouse who has betrayed you. We're often not really sure what we want. We weren't prepared for such betrayal.

We're not even sure sometimes if we really still love our spouse or not. Frankly, we are confused. How do we know whether we should stay or go?

You don't have to make any decisions right now on staying or going.

Please see a IC. You need time and help to wrap your head around what has occurred.

Any decision should be based on if your husband is truly remorseful for what he has done or if he is just sorry he got caught.

Is your husband willing to discuss the affair or put the effort into improving the marriage?

•Make your OWN decision.
•Do not rush the decision.
•Get as much information as possible.
•Do not make this decision based solely on emotional factors, nor solely on practical factors.

Questions to Help You Decide:
1.Is your spouse willing to talk about what happened, to try and learn from it, to avoid future affairs and to improve the marriage overall?
2. Is there a willingness to acknowledge the fact that attractions to the opposite sex are normal and will likely happen again in the future
3. Is there a plan for ongoing discussions regarding how these future temptations will be handled?
4. Is there a commitment to honesty and communication as a basis for your marriage, rather than simply a promise for future monogamy?
5.Is there evidence of willingness for ongoing honesty on topics other than affairs? (If there is not honesty about other issues, there is little likelihood that there will be future honesty about affairs.)
6.Even if there is little evidence of the above at this time, does it seem reasonable to think that you will be moving towards these things in the future? Change of this kind doesn't happen overnight, but there needs to be hope for the future.

In the end, each person is responsible for making their own decision (regardless of the opinions of friends, family, professionals and the general public), because they have to live with the choice they make. It takes strength and clear-headedness to assess the situation and do whatever is best for you.

It is a lot to absorb so take your time. One day at a time.

If you are having trouble sleeping see your doctor. Infidelity takes it's toll on your body, mind and soul.

Deep breaths and know that we are all here for you.

(((hugs and prayers)))

brokenfinger posted 6/18/2013 11:07 AM

I just wanted to offer hugs and support.

I also wanted to say....CRY!! CRY CRY!! It's okay to cry. I didn't the first time my husband and I separated, and now see that I needed to cry. In fact, I spent 5 hours doing so, last Wednesday, and I'm not ashamed. It needed to be done!
It does become less, over time. I'm a month post finding out about his affair, and already I cry a little less everyday.
The sleep thing will balance out, but be careful with the drinking, you are all your babies have. I have had two nights of drinking since the seperation, and I did was wake up with a hangover, feeling worse. Your dr can help you with a sleep aid, or maybe a referrel for someone to talk to ( im not sure how the american health care system works)

Take care, hug them babies!!!!!!

Phoebesma posted 6/18/2013 11:19 AM

I appreciate everyone's kind words and advice. You all have been tremendously helpful.

Getting to Happy posted 6/19/2013 11:27 AM


They always affair down.

Who else would do such an odious act as fu**ing a newlywed husband in his house!?! UGH!

Just guttersnipes and cumdumpsters!!!

I hope that someone comes along and bumps the thread "Honey, they always affair down"

A great post here on SI.

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