I found out accidentally, she forgot to close out of Facebook one night on our computer, and I found sexting messages complete with a photo of her. She said it was just emotional, and was glad I caught it before anything physical happened between them, After discovering other info, she has admitted that the affair was physical.
We have 3 kids so it will be tough no matter how I decide to move.on.
You are right,no matter what road you end up, it's a shit road full of hills and valleys.
If you haven't read the healing library I encourage you to start there.
Also we have a thread in "I Can relate forum that is is for betrayed men (BM). There are many posters there that have just found out like you, some are reconciling, some are divorcing (ed). Good reading for you, good support, and good men to help you through.
This will be one of the toughest if not the toughest time in your life but there is another side after working through all the issues no matter what path you end up taking. You're gonna be OK.
[This message edited by gma56 at 3:41 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
The 180 is your friend.
It's for you, that's the key - it is not to "get her to see" or change. That may happen when you implement it, but you'll be busy tending to your own detachment and healing.
Accept no blame for her horrible choice to cheat.
Here's the basic outline:
& I'll bump some great threads with targets.
I would suggest you implement the 180 and start focusing on yourself and your kids. So sorry for all this pain. It takes years to heal, if healing is even possible. Take care.
Go down to the betrayed men thread, there are a lot of us who are just starting out, and who have been through this for years.
She doesn't get to demand a timeline from you on when you will be over this. 3 to 5 years is what they say. Holy shit right?!
Read up on the healing library and some of the JFO threads, there is a lot of good information in there.
My wife did the same thing to me when I found out about her affair. Threw a huge pity party for herself. Blamed me for the affair, re-wrote our marital history, tried to make me out to be the bad-guy. Don't fall for it. It's nothing you did.
Read up on the 180.
Sorry you are here brother.
Do the 180 immediately. Do not answer any of the trap questions she poses to you. If she wants to know if you think she should move on, your response should be something along the lines of, "you do what you think is best for you" and do not give any hint at what you're thinking.
Follow the advice of the good folks here. And don't give her even a small inkling of what you are going through. Seek individual counseling (IC) for yourself. Let that process inform you of what you need to do. Don't make any snap judgements.
Additionally, you may want to engage in a little surreptitious snooping. One thing I learned on the forum is that cheaters lie and minimize. A little snooping while doing the 180 may go a long way in the near future to help you make decisions.
Good luck brother. So sorry for your pain.
So sorry you find yourself here. Please know it is a safe and helpful place to be.
Too often when BS's first come to SI they are desperately looking to reconcile (R) with a WS who isn't as desperate as the BS.
True reconciliation is about far more than agreeing to stay in the marriage, but this gets lost to many BS's trying to regain their footing after D-day which is completely normal.
The Pillars of Reconciliation have been posted here before, and veterans cite them often.
To that end, I thought I would make a simple contribution that highlights the difference between true R and rugsweeping (i.e., just staying married without healing).
I hope that as new BS's come here, they can see the difference and take stock of where they are.
Doing so will go a long way toward avoiding a false R, a lot of unfulfilled expectations, and multiplied pain.
INDICATORS OF REMORSE
* Actions match words.
* Accepts full responsibility for the affair without blaming the BS, a bad marriage, or other outside factors.
* Expresses sorrow for hurting the BS and the M.
* Shows compassion and actively assists the BS with handling triggers.
* Does not become defensive or shut down when BS brings up affair-related emotions, issues, or questions.
* Answers questions honestly and completely.
* Does not avoid the BS or become frustrated that the BS is not “healing fast enough.”
* Contributes at least 60% of the joint effort at rebuilding the marriage.
* Actively works to understand why he or she made the choice to have an affair and shares insights with BS.
* Does not think solely about himself or herself. Considers how actions impact the BS.
Remorse is so important to R. It's the conerstone that everything else is built on. Without it, the M can not heal.
Remorse involves far more than just saying "I'm sorry." It's conveyed through consistent actions. The above list is not comprehensive, but it is meant to be an example that the FWS's behavior should be clear sign that he or she understands the pain the A caused and is committed to healing the M. Simply hanging around the house is not remorse. And it is not R.
NOTE: It was requested that I repost this from a thread I started in the Reconciliation Forum (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406525) so with the permission of the mods, I'm sharing it here also.
I don't want to give the impression that a BS is stuck in limbo if a WS doesn't agree to abide by these conditions for R. Staying stuck means the A continues.
If a WS won't agree to R under these necessary conditions, I encourage the BS to:
* work the 180
* use the Tactical Primer here on SI
* and see a divorce attorney to feel out their legal options
Living in limbo while an active A is in progress is tacitly agreeing to share your spouse.
Operate from a position of strength. If the WS says no to R, you can not love them out of the A or wait for it to end (it won't end).
Below is a list of threads that are recommended frequently to new members.
These threads provide more information about the 180 and how to deal with an unremorseful WS while attending to your own healing:
Boundaries and Consequences 101:
Setting Healthy Boundaries:
Understanding the 180:
20/20 Hindsight: What I Wish I'd Done:
Great Posts for Newbies to Read:
Hope these are of some help.
Good luck and keep moving. We are all rooting for you.
Do you know if her AP is M? If he is please consider outing him - that is one of the fastest ways to end an A.
NC is a must. She can no longer go to that gym or wherever it is that they train personally.
You both need to get tested for STD's.
She's very likely in what we call "the fog". Read up on it. Learn the signs.
You gotta take good care of yourself, bro. Eat, drink lots of water, sleep when you can, exercise ... no booze.
Don't stop investigating. Consider placing a VAR in her car.
You need full disclosure ... demand it.
And you gotta hang in there. You'll experience mind movies, they're natural. The best way to to deal with them is to just let them run through ... they'll eventually disappear.
We're here for you!
Give me a flipping break!!
Don't fret over her being an asshole right now. It's not about you. It's about her and I bet if you analyze your relationship you'd find out that it probably always has been. This is typical WW behavior, right out of their playbook. She gotta make you the bad guy because if not, SHE'S the bad guy.
You've been advised to do the 180. I advise this also. Read our healing library. Lots of great info there. Talk to an attorney to know your rights.
In the meantime get lots of rest, eat, drink WATER, and some excerise if it doesn't trigger you too much right
now. Good luck.
Endeavor to Persevere
She says the sex hasn't been "hot" for severally years
The amount of effort and attention that goes into raising 3 kids is tremendous; no small wonder that the first casualty is often a 'hot' sex life.
Personally I would either let the nanny go and push more of the child=rearing onto your wife; that should keep her busy; or, keep the nanny and insist your wife get full-time employment; no more relaxing in her room all day. Joe you need to toughen up and give her a taste of reality.
She has such a distorted image of your marriage that reconciliation is going to be very difficult. Is she somewhat narcissistic? Sounds that way.
The OM is married, with 3 kids. I have been reluctant to call his wife because I didn't want to be vengeful or upend her life or the lives of their kids.
We all get this we do but you really need to tell her. If she had found out wouldn't you want her to have told you?
It is not vengeful it is honorable.
In my case the OW's husband knew 6 months before I found out. He foolishly thought it had ended. They just took it underground and became more cleaver in their meetings/communication.
I reached out to him after I found out and he said he didn't want to hurt me or my kids. I get that but boy do I wish I would have known.
She deserves to know that she is sharing her life with a liar and an adulterer. She needs to protect herself and her family just as you do with yours.
I suggest a FB or LinkedIn message gently stating what you discovered and letting her know you are available to talk if she wants further information will suffice.
Sorry you are here Joe and that as the BS we get to clean up the mess our WS leave us with. Sucks and is unfair but alas, we will come out the other side.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:58 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
Women who are happy in their relationship are not going to cheat.
I don't want to show you remorse because I don't like you
I get that she is feeling trapped right now, but man she is making my decision on how to move forward easy!