So POS and I have been talking very civilized the past couple of weeks while I was getting through a medical issue (no worries :-)). Now that that is over, we spoke tonight about the "D" issue and where we go from here. It turned into a one-way blame game! Holy shit it got ugly fast!
After I asked him some questions about his A's, he started to get defensive and was saying he never wanted to tell me anything because I would always find a way to use it against him at some point. Then he went off on his tangent about what he was REALLY hot about, after conveniently sidestepping the multiple As. About a year or so ago I finally decided to tackle POS's hoarde that had been an eyesore in our family room for five years (since we moved here). I kept asking him to do something about it, he said he would, and he never would. Finally, last spring, while he was working out of the area, I decided to tackle it and reorganize so it didn't look like a freaking garbage dump. Well, apparently, that really put his knickers in a wad because I "dared" to go through his stuff even though he said (according to his twisted recollection) he would get around to it. He knew "exactly" where everything was until I went through it all, and he NEVER would have ever thought about going through my stuff like that. Bullshit!! He didn't know where ANYTHING was because it was a mountain of shit stacked in crumbling boxes to the top of an 8' ceiling!!! Anyway, apparently that was strike one against me, though he never bothered to say anything. How dare I try to make the house presentable and be sick of living in a pile of boxes in our family room!
So then second strike comes that he is furious that I "sanitized" (his word) him from the house by moving all his personal crap into a trailer on the property! Apparently I had no right to do that and apparently I better be prepared for him to come and move all my stuff into a conex to keep it "fair!" Never mind the fact that an attorney told me I was within my right to move is stuff out there. He went on to say that "if anything is missing he will file charges for theft." Okay, I had to keep myself from outright laughing at that one. He has no idea what he has or does not have! I assured him that nothing was thrown away, only stored. Apparently the fact that I took it upon myself from removing HIS belongings from OUR house is unforgiveable! He also said that in "his 30 years of law enforcement" he has never seen someone's stuff simply moved, "sanitized," from a resident like that as usually one spouse comes to the house and removes their stuff on their own. So I enlightened him and said that it is quite common when one spouse walks out on another. "Of course, you are always right, and my 30 years of law enforcement don't mean shit," is what he responded with. Then he got into another tirade about how he didn't walk out, blah, blah, blah, it was all discussed before he left, blah, blah, blah... Talk to the hand, shitbag... yawn... When I repeated our EXACT conversation about that a few weeks before him leaving, and how it was NOT discussed, he, of course, said that was my twisted version of what really happened. EXCUSE ME DICKHEAD, I AM NOT THE FUCKING IDIOT SUFFERING FROM OLD TIMERS SYNDROME! (He is pushing 60...)
Okay. So I kept my cool (fortified with a glass or two or wine, which should tell you where I expected this conversation to go) and asked, "so you are really hurt that I moved your stuff, right?" He said, "Not hurt, pissed off." So I said, "So where is my right to be pissed off about your affairs?" No response of course. Apparently what I did was just "not right" even though he readily admits he has not been a saint in any of this but when it comes to my "right" to be angry about being cheated on multiple times I get crickets... Why am I not surprised and see this as a one way "blame the victim" game. Oh, that's right! According to him, HE is the victim in this and all that other "stuff," you know, the multiple affairs, is old news that should never be discussed again if we are to move forward!!
I cannot express how difficult it was to keep my cool. He was twisting everything to make me out the bad guy, sweep his affairs under the rug as "old news" and their debilitating effect on me, and said he would no longer respond to any questions that pertained to the past because I would only use them against him!
On one hand I am speechless about the turn of the conversation and how vicious it became in attacking me, but on the other hand I actually almost laughed at how ridiculous he was in trying to turn it all back on me!
He claims he tried numerous times to help "fix" our marriage. Of course, this never included actually talking about perceived problems. Apparently I am supposed to be a mind reader to, among my other talents of always being right, being a control Nazi, exaggerating everything, and just generally being a bitch.
When I tried to explain that I had detached in the last year after confirming A#2 (actually OW#1, with OC) going back 17 years ago and asked what the problems were in our M back then that he never discussed, I got silence. Why? Because there is no other rational explanation other than his personal gratification at my expense.
I was actually proud of myself for keeping calm through it all, even though he was cutting me off at every turn and only hearing his version of events, even though he accused me of having a convenient memory (after I told him that was his problem, of course).
So I asked him to put everything aside and asked where we go from here. He said I was to put all his stuff back in the house EXACTLY the way it was. I asked if he was suggesting that we live together whenever he comes back like a happily married couple, and he said until we decide what we are doing with the house. FUCK THAT! He said it was OUR house and it would be sold. I asked if he was actually implying that DD16 and our three large dogs be put out on the street, and he said we could find another place to live just like he would have to. I told him there was no one that would rent with the three large dogs without a large sum of money and he knew it. Silence.
Well, I am glad to find out what REALLY pissed him off and to know that he is a master of minimizing what he has done and its affects on me as a person. WOW! Major asshole!! However, I am glad that I didn't put any credence in our "positive" conversations over the last few weeks and kept up with my strategic planning. FLAMING DICKHEAD! Apparently, if I don't just "get over" the past (the most recent past being discovery in March...) there is no point in discussing anything. Ahh, rugsweeping at its finest!
Oh, and I asked him if he read any of the articles I sent him from the SI library. He said yes, but it was all psychobabble bullshit... Does that tell you something??
And apparently I was never transparent about my business trips. Uh, hey asshole, I told you where I was going, what my flights were, called you while en route, and called you when I arrived at destination and every day while there. But according to him that never happened...
So after he hung up on me, I sent him a text telling him that apparently the "civilized" approach was not going to work and I would be contacting an attorney forthwith to file for divorce and we will proceed that way...
I am not the least surprised at the outcome. Saddened, but not surprised. He said everything would be divided evenly, even though apparently I think everything is "mine." He even harped that I thought everything was "mine, mine, mine..." Okay, well I will continue to fight for "mine, mine, mine" and he is going to have a tough time with no job or resources to hire an attorney.
Sorry to be rambling, but this JUST happened and my mind is in a whirl! Guess I will go hire an attorney and he can "talk to the hand" from this point forward, or my attorney, whichever suits his preference.
On a positive note, DD16 had a meltdown on Friday night. Not that THAT was good, but she just had a bad day overall and was crying and talking. Part of her talk included her being upset about the fact that she just found out (March) that her dad is a major douche bag (her words). POS also mentioned that she never sent him a "Happy Father's Day" communication. HHHmmm, I wonder why??? Guess how your son is going to react when he comes home from Afghanistan in August???
The fact that I am not majorly upset speaks volumes, I guess. Since he is apparently going to be a dick about it, I have no choice but to bring an attorney into the mix (even though I can't really afford one).
If he thinks he is going to threaten me into moving his "stuff" back into the house, he has another thing coming. When I asked, "Or what?" He said he would come and force his way in (with troopers, if need be) and remove all my stuff, tit for tat. Kinda hard to do when you are thousands of miles away, but I will seek protection nonetheless. Would LOVE to see his face when he gets served in another state, at his MOTHER'S house (checked out process servers two months ago)... Oh, and she has been treating him like he is 10 yrs old - can't control the remote, can't use the car, can't wash his clothes unless he checks with her first, it's fucking AWESOME!