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Phoenix1 posted 6/18/2013 00:41 AM

So POS and I have been talking very civilized the past couple of weeks while I was getting through a medical issue (no worries :-)). Now that that is over, we spoke tonight about the "D" issue and where we go from here. It turned into a one-way blame game! Holy shit it got ugly fast!

After I asked him some questions about his A's, he started to get defensive and was saying he never wanted to tell me anything because I would always find a way to use it against him at some point. Then he went off on his tangent about what he was REALLY hot about, after conveniently sidestepping the multiple As. About a year or so ago I finally decided to tackle POS's hoarde that had been an eyesore in our family room for five years (since we moved here). I kept asking him to do something about it, he said he would, and he never would. Finally, last spring, while he was working out of the area, I decided to tackle it and reorganize so it didn't look like a freaking garbage dump. Well, apparently, that really put his knickers in a wad because I "dared" to go through his stuff even though he said (according to his twisted recollection) he would get around to it. He knew "exactly" where everything was until I went through it all, and he NEVER would have ever thought about going through my stuff like that. Bullshit!! He didn't know where ANYTHING was because it was a mountain of shit stacked in crumbling boxes to the top of an 8' ceiling!!! Anyway, apparently that was strike one against me, though he never bothered to say anything. How dare I try to make the house presentable and be sick of living in a pile of boxes in our family room!

So then second strike comes that he is furious that I "sanitized" (his word) him from the house by moving all his personal crap into a trailer on the property! Apparently I had no right to do that and apparently I better be prepared for him to come and move all my stuff into a conex to keep it "fair!" Never mind the fact that an attorney told me I was within my right to move is stuff out there. He went on to say that "if anything is missing he will file charges for theft." Okay, I had to keep myself from outright laughing at that one. He has no idea what he has or does not have! I assured him that nothing was thrown away, only stored. Apparently the fact that I took it upon myself from removing HIS belongings from OUR house is unforgiveable! He also said that in "his 30 years of law enforcement" he has never seen someone's stuff simply moved, "sanitized," from a resident like that as usually one spouse comes to the house and removes their stuff on their own. So I enlightened him and said that it is quite common when one spouse walks out on another. "Of course, you are always right, and my 30 years of law enforcement don't mean shit," is what he responded with. Then he got into another tirade about how he didn't walk out, blah, blah, blah, it was all discussed before he left, blah, blah, blah... Talk to the hand, shitbag... yawn... When I repeated our EXACT conversation about that a few weeks before him leaving, and how it was NOT discussed, he, of course, said that was my twisted version of what really happened. EXCUSE ME DICKHEAD, I AM NOT THE FUCKING IDIOT SUFFERING FROM OLD TIMERS SYNDROME! (He is pushing 60...)

Okay. So I kept my cool (fortified with a glass or two or wine, which should tell you where I expected this conversation to go) and asked, "so you are really hurt that I moved your stuff, right?" He said, "Not hurt, pissed off." So I said, "So where is my right to be pissed off about your affairs?" No response of course. Apparently what I did was just "not right" even though he readily admits he has not been a saint in any of this but when it comes to my "right" to be angry about being cheated on multiple times I get crickets... Why am I not surprised and see this as a one way "blame the victim" game. Oh, that's right! According to him, HE is the victim in this and all that other "stuff," you know, the multiple affairs, is old news that should never be discussed again if we are to move forward!!

I cannot express how difficult it was to keep my cool. He was twisting everything to make me out the bad guy, sweep his affairs under the rug as "old news" and their debilitating effect on me, and said he would no longer respond to any questions that pertained to the past because I would only use them against him!

On one hand I am speechless about the turn of the conversation and how vicious it became in attacking me, but on the other hand I actually almost laughed at how ridiculous he was in trying to turn it all back on me!

He claims he tried numerous times to help "fix" our marriage. Of course, this never included actually talking about perceived problems. Apparently I am supposed to be a mind reader to, among my other talents of always being right, being a control Nazi, exaggerating everything, and just generally being a bitch.

When I tried to explain that I had detached in the last year after confirming A#2 (actually OW#1, with OC) going back 17 years ago and asked what the problems were in our M back then that he never discussed, I got silence. Why? Because there is no other rational explanation other than his personal gratification at my expense.

I was actually proud of myself for keeping calm through it all, even though he was cutting me off at every turn and only hearing his version of events, even though he accused me of having a convenient memory (after I told him that was his problem, of course).

So I asked him to put everything aside and asked where we go from here. He said I was to put all his stuff back in the house EXACTLY the way it was. I asked if he was suggesting that we live together whenever he comes back like a happily married couple, and he said until we decide what we are doing with the house. FUCK THAT! He said it was OUR house and it would be sold. I asked if he was actually implying that DD16 and our three large dogs be put out on the street, and he said we could find another place to live just like he would have to. I told him there was no one that would rent with the three large dogs without a large sum of money and he knew it. Silence.

Well, I am glad to find out what REALLY pissed him off and to know that he is a master of minimizing what he has done and its affects on me as a person. WOW! Major asshole!! However, I am glad that I didn't put any credence in our "positive" conversations over the last few weeks and kept up with my strategic planning. FLAMING DICKHEAD! Apparently, if I don't just "get over" the past (the most recent past being discovery in March...) there is no point in discussing anything. Ahh, rugsweeping at its finest!

Oh, and I asked him if he read any of the articles I sent him from the SI library. He said yes, but it was all psychobabble bullshit... Does that tell you something??

And apparently I was never transparent about my business trips. Uh, hey asshole, I told you where I was going, what my flights were, called you while en route, and called you when I arrived at destination and every day while there. But according to him that never happened...

So after he hung up on me, I sent him a text telling him that apparently the "civilized" approach was not going to work and I would be contacting an attorney forthwith to file for divorce and we will proceed that way...

I am not the least surprised at the outcome. Saddened, but not surprised. He said everything would be divided evenly, even though apparently I think everything is "mine." He even harped that I thought everything was "mine, mine, mine..." Okay, well I will continue to fight for "mine, mine, mine" and he is going to have a tough time with no job or resources to hire an attorney.

Sorry to be rambling, but this JUST happened and my mind is in a whirl! Guess I will go hire an attorney and he can "talk to the hand" from this point forward, or my attorney, whichever suits his preference.

On a positive note, DD16 had a meltdown on Friday night. Not that THAT was good, but she just had a bad day overall and was crying and talking. Part of her talk included her being upset about the fact that she just found out (March) that her dad is a major douche bag (her words). POS also mentioned that she never sent him a "Happy Father's Day" communication. HHHmmm, I wonder why??? Guess how your son is going to react when he comes home from Afghanistan in August???

The fact that I am not majorly upset speaks volumes, I guess. Since he is apparently going to be a dick about it, I have no choice but to bring an attorney into the mix (even though I can't really afford one).

If he thinks he is going to threaten me into moving his "stuff" back into the house, he has another thing coming. When I asked, "Or what?" He said he would come and force his way in (with troopers, if need be) and remove all my stuff, tit for tat. Kinda hard to do when you are thousands of miles away, but I will seek protection nonetheless. Would LOVE to see his face when he gets served in another state, at his MOTHER'S house (checked out process servers two months ago)... Oh, and she has been treating him like he is 10 yrs old - can't control the remote, can't use the car, can't wash his clothes unless he checks with her first, it's fucking AWESOME!

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 1:09 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

peridot posted 6/18/2013 01:56 AM

(((Phoenix1)))

I'm sorry you are going through this. Make sure you get an attorney as soon as you can and file. When you do the temp orders try to get exclusive rights to the house. Don't let him back in. Change the locks if you have to before you file. Take half of all money before you file in case he decides to take it all. Don't worry about his threats and this "half" shit. A judge will soon set him straight.

Phoenix1 posted 6/18/2013 02:30 AM

Thanks peridot. I am actually a few steps ahead...locks changed as soon as he left and bank accounts split a year ago after D-Day2 confirmation.

Coincidentally, he just sent me a text saying attorneys were not the answer and we need to work things out. Really, shitbag? What the fuck have I been trying to do? Geez. So I told him to send me a proposal via email ASAP that did not involve selling the house or us cohabitating in any way and I would consider it. Otherwise an attorney will draw up papers and he can fight with him/her until he was blue in the face as I was done being demonized. FUCK. THAT. FUCKING. PIECE. OF. SHIT!!!

Nature_Girl posted 6/18/2013 02:51 AM

I remember when my STBX would completely refuse to acknowledge that he had ever engaged in any behavior which was detrimental to our marriage. It did not happen. And since it did not happen I was not to bring it up. We could only discuss current events. So then of course I'd tell him that it wasn't possible to exist with a wiped-clean memory, that past events had direct causal effect on present events. That my thoughts, reactions & decisions were a direct result of his past actions. That I hadn't just one day POOF! decided this or that or thought this or that. There were REASONS.

He absoultey refused to acknowlege this.

Of course I now know you can't argue with insanity.

Bravenewgirl posted 6/18/2013 05:53 AM

wow indeed!

It sounds like you stbx has crossed from passive agressive into agressive-agressive.

That whole, "I will do chore xxx", never doing it, and then freaking out when the partner gets fed up and does it themselves is CLASSIC passive agressive shit.

I can remember waiting 6 months for WH to call a guy to fix the eaves so our basement would not flood anymore. When I finally did it myself, I was "controlling".

They use the procrastination and passivity as a way to undermine and infuriate the partner. I bet he made nasty comments under the guise of humor too, and then acted bewildered when you got upset.

So now that you are detaching and taking your life back, he does not have you as his PA punching bag anymore, so the tactics have switched to pure aggression to try and intimidate you into playing nice with him.

Please go NC with the asshole--its the only way to escape the endless feedback loop of insanity. FUCK THAT GUY!

[This message edited by Bravenewgirl at 5:55 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

Phoenix1 posted 6/18/2013 08:00 AM

Bravenewgirl, he is pure classic passive-aggressive, but for years never realized that. He also is a hoarder (with neatness tendencies so it helped keep it tolerable over the years, i. e., neat tidy stacks if crap). Hoarders have the mental issue of "don't touch my stuff; even if it is crap it is still mine." I didn't realize that over the years either until I watched all the hoarding shows on television. So between being PA, a hoarder, and I genuinely believe having a sex addiction (the only logical explanation that really explains his actions with OW over the years, and why he was always willing to sacrifice everything for his next "fix"), he is a truly fucked up individual. But it is always someone else's fault!

Oh well. I am not his shrink or his whipping boy. Yes, back to NC except for finances or kids, which is where we were had the health scare not created the ripple in the water that has turned into a tsunami! At least he was supportive when I needed it, but the asshole is back in force! I should have known Mr. Nice guy wouldn't last!

Take2 posted 6/18/2013 08:40 AM

Wow Phoenix1, I know this guy. I divorced this guy! I read through your conversation, and the parallels were stunning!

Among my offenses: painting "his" kitchen orange, hanging curtains, and not respecting him (read: voicing an opinion that differed from his). He insisted that he had suggested counseling once (couldn't remember when) and then there was that thing I said that flipped him into the last affair - he couldn't remember what it was I said - but the tone that I said it in... that's what started the last A! When I got to: "...30 years in law enforcement don't mean shit," I nearly choked.

So assuming the parallel continues: Detachment is good, a lawyer sounds necessary, and - be prepared for the occasional demand to take him back, without ever addressing the affairs - a total rug-sweeping ultimatum.

Shields up! Stay strong. It is easier when they have these bitch bouts and continue to reveal just how selfish and self-absorbed they are - not "easy" mind you - but easier than it would be otherwise.

sparkysable posted 6/18/2013 08:45 AM

I will generalize and say that those in law enforcement tend to have personality disorders. I used to work in law enforcement and was married to XWH. I know what I saw.

That being said, when I found out about OW#2 I changed the locks, got a storage unit, and THREW, not nicely tossed, THREW, his shit into the storage unit. There was no way he was setting foot in that house ever again.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/18/2013 11:26 AM

Of course I now know you can't argue with insanity.

Amen. It only causes one to feel

Of course when you bring up the affairs he's gonna try to deflect with any stupid old thing that you did wrong. How dare you clean up boxes!!

You said it right, NC, kids and finances. And I agree with Take2, Shields Up!

dmari posted 6/18/2013 11:35 AM

I am so relieved to hear that your medical issue is fine!! Phew!! I'm glad he could be there for your during your time of need.

But now you have seen, once again, his true self. You are on the right path of moving forward. NC. NC. NC. and FTG! Go get 'um girl!! Hugs and support, dmari

SBB posted 6/18/2013 19:59 PM

The biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves.

I had many such conversations during False R and I was equally mystified and outraged at how skewed his perception was. He would agree with me one minute ten completely contradict himself.

It's hard to keep up with all the deception.

What it did do was give me the resolve to protect myself. I didn't end False R but in many ways my pride/ego pushed him to end it. I insisted on selling the house, living separately for a year and splitting everything. I was also going to insist on a divorce even if we were going down the R path.

I would not budge from this position despite enormous pressure from him. He wailed in my arms about it, cried rivers of crocodile tears "please don't do this. I beg you."

I told him I needed to set a blowtorch to it to see if both of us were as commited to this in deed as we were in word.

Turns out he was not at all commited to it. I thank the stars every single day that my pride/ego was driving the bus. My heart would have given him a million more chances and wasted the next X years forgiving him for all things big and small over and over and over.

20 weeks after S this 40 y/o loser announces he is ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher prior OW (I didn't suspect a thing - I trusted her taste more than his fidelity ) to my then almost 5 an 2.5 year olds as his GF.

I always knew I had done the right thing but that there cemented it for me good. It also ended the tortuous What If's on the spot.

I hope you're OK. Doing the right thing is tough. Even when we have no other choice.

Please be good to yourself friend. I cannot tell you how good your life will feel when you are no longer in the crazy. We get so used to it that it becomes our normal - it is NOT normal and is simply no way to live.