SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hindsight really is 20/20.

We all point out to others when we see them sticking their head in the sand when there are obvious signs. How many of us did this? Looking back, what signs did you notice, but just brush off to the side?

With my ex-fiancé, I will NEVER forget the great underwear fight of 2005. He asked me if I would please dig through a pile of clean laundry and get a shirt for him. In my digging, I found a thong that wasn't mine. I pointed it out, and he insisted that I was wrong, it was my thong, he had seen me wear it. I was so mad- girls know what underwear we own. I insisted that it wasn't mine. Then, his story changed, and he looked at it and said that he bought it for me. I said that didn't make any sense because the tags were taken off, they were in the laundry, and weren't even my size. He insisted that people need to wash underwear when they buy it, because someone might have worn it in the store (???). It was the stupidest thing I had ever heard of- but somehow I ended up apologizing. Afterwards, my "gift" underwear disappeared.

yeah, um lets see.

1) sent wife to San Diego by herself for a week all expenses paid, spending money, rental car, airfare etc. did this so she could have time to herself with no kids, cause that's what great husbands do right? she comes home with the book "his needs her needs, how to affair proof your marriage" and I think, "wow, I've got the greatest wife in the world....even in her vacation she's thinking of ways to improve our love." turns out she had just meet with other man and after having sex, and all that, she confessed to him that she was falling in love with him....to which he replied " look we both have families, we need to remember that, this can be our special thing, but it can no further than love....etc etc etc". translation - I just wanted some kitty on the side, thanks for that, and all that stuff I said was just too get that, but I want to keep doing you, so here's another lie you'll believe and keep selling out your husbands soul and manhood for "we are two lovers kept apart by life's shackles"

so she felt used, and once he told her that the new car she had been test driving and falling for due to it's obvious benefits over her old Chevy, was not available for purchase, she picked up a fix it manual to try to make the old Chevy never guess that she'd been test driving another rig.

But I'm no one's second choice.

so in hindsight I feel really stupid for not seeing that book for what it was, a testament to my everlasting stupidity.

[This message edited by Emptyshelldad at 2:01 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

the missing money, the constant lateness home, especially the time I called the venue of his job that night to ask after him as I was getting worried only to be old hed left ages ago, and when he did come home he said the venue had been running late,, when I told him I had called the venue he said a girl at he venue had been hurt and he'd given her a lift to the hospital,, but that didn't make sense and I think I know after that that something was happening,, but I never dreamed it would be as big as it was. there was also the bed feeling I got around some of his female friends,,, like he fancied them more than was acceptable.

I had to use my husband computer one day I noticed that he had looked at a personals add on Craigslist. I totally believed him when he told me a friend told him to look at a specific add as it was so funny. This was 3 months before the A started. Just a clue he was starting to "look."

Other than that it was extreme anger and the silent treatment. The only other sign was that he came home late from work one day, and when I called his cell phone to check on him he was beyond nasty. I truly had no clue that the anger was a sign of an A.

Every flag was waving, bell ringing and red light flashing and I didn't see it.

-The unexplained periods of time he was gone after work.

-The way he guarded his cell phone and left it in the truck to charge.

-The anger, the nastiness towards me and the general attitude tht I couldn't do anything right.

-The distance between us.

Other things like him mentioning he showed OW (an old HS girlfriend) a pic of the kids and she said the twins looked like me.

I was so trusting. So believed in him! I would have bet my life, our kids lives, on him.

Well, those rose colored glasses have been ripped off!

In hindsight, the anger and defensiveness my H showed when I asked questions about things that were 'off' should have been a huge red flag. It's not how H reacted for years before the A and it's not how he reacts now......

Prior to DDay that reaction put me on the defensive, now it would raise the hairs on my neck and awaken my inner detective.

The anger, the resentment...I thought it was signs that he was overly stressed (things WERE stressful), and he was just having a hard time adjusting. I went from feeling like partners in our life, to feeling like his adversary :(

Had no clue his changes came AFTER he'd already started the EA. Today, if his attitude towards me shifted so fast again, I'd be on high alert!

The guarded electronics, the change in daily habits (super late hours),

outside phone calls in the middle of the night, shutting his computer off when we walked in the room,

suddenly getting late nights at work at a job that didn't allow overtime;

this was the first thing that raised the hairs on he back of my neck;

Times he couldn't be found at work for a phone call when he should be at his desk;

When he wouldn't change his cell phone number and only mine, this was the clue to R being false;

Always looking behind us in the car;

Sneaking off in a store and finding ways to be away from me more and more and more;

Failing sex life over time when I had not changed; it was due to what he was doing but he blamed it on me.

Names of women he started to talk about but never had before and ones that I did not know; also on his fb page; it's believed they are his "conquest collection" or "backup girls"

It was interesting to note that at least three had same name as OW before I deleted my account. ?

You all want to feel better - Read everything I ignored!

My H started using teeth whitening strips

The OBVIOUS signs I IGNORED:

* He withdrew from me 100% No sex for a looooong time

* He became a hermit and lived in the basement. He would come home from work, grunt at me, grunt at the kids, eat dinner and retreat to his cave.

* He refused to do anything fun with me - no family outings, no date nights. Nothing.

*Grass stains on his pants from their trysts in the park

* He ran soooo many errands! Almost every night...drug store, gas, etc.

* One Saturday he ran to Home Depot - after 2 hrs I called to find out where he was. He said "I stopped for coffee"...

* On our anniversary gave me a dozen red roses at noon and by 6:00 pm told me he wasn't happy

* Tells me a "friend from work" has invited him and our dd to an amusement park... the story that it was a bday party and the friend needed someone with a van to help transport the kids...

* I found an email he printed from the OW that was encouraging him to leave me. I confronted - just a friend,he said. A friend he could talk to. A friend that just wanted him to be happy

By now you would have thought I'd have gotten a clue! But, nope, not my H! Not in his blood - against his character

* His birthday comes and I am invited to join him and "friends" from work for drinks. I go and there are a handful of people. At one point Mark went to the bathroom, a gal announces "I'm gonna go call Mr L"... I'm thinking NAH! Can't be - her H name must be Mr L too! He went to the bathroom a LOT that night. When I asked months later (after I knew of the A) what it was they talked about I get "nothing really"... so, now, of course, I'm thinking they had phone sex - I mean she called him while he's holding his dick in his hands!

Then everyone leaves, but not this gal - she bellies up to the bar next to H! H tries to draw us into conversation with EACH OTHER! OMG! But remember, I am CLUELESS... Yet I'm thinking... this is his good friend, she knows we are having troubles, WHY doesn't she leave so we can have some alone time?!?

OMG - this reads like a soap opera! It could be a lifetime movie... make that a mini series!

So... MCOW decides to finally leave and she is DRUNK. So out she goes and what do *I* do?? I send my H out to be sure she is OK to drive!!! Of course, he goes willingly!! Comes back and says she is going to sit in her car for a little while and he will check on her later. Oh, what a good friend my H is being to her! He goes out again and is gone for like 1/2 hr!!

But again... I am in total denial...

We get home that night and have sex - he introduces a new move and says (he was also feeling no pain drunk) "I don't think I've ever done this with you"... I remember thinking WTF?? If not with me, then with who? We've been together for 25+ YEARS! But I shrug it off!!!

OMG!! I look back and wonder I could have been so stupid.

But hey, now you can all feel some relief that perhaps you weren't as STOOPID as L2HM was!!

BeyondBreaking - that underwear story is awesome. I'm still find myself amazed at the crazy stories that can be made up to cover.

My WW was VERY good and keeping her LTA under lock and key. I do remember many times though when I was questioning her schedule though. I would say things like oh I thought you were doing (insert excuse used) that on Wednesday not Tuesday. I would then get the "you don't ever listen to what I say" thrown back at me so I would then just end my questions at that moment. Now I am the one who has an excellent memory, not my WW. I must have thought that I was going crazy not remembering so I think that is when I started making my WW repeat what she says often by saying "what did you just say" so that I made sure that I had it right. That eventually started driving her crazy as well. Sadly looking back, I was right from the start often on what I heard her schedule was.

Wh put a lock on his phone and one day I grabbed the phone and demanded he give me the password. He became super defensive and refused to give it up saying that he had pictures of naked women on it that his bf sent to him and he didnt want me to get offended or hurt my feelings. At the time I knew I wouldnt become offended but he started getting angry the more I pushed it and it never crossed my mind that there was "someone" else. I trusted him blindly. I wish I could go back in time to that moment and do things differently! I could have cut his EA short by 10 months!

Like others have commented...the defensive behavior, getting angry for no reason, etc.. (all out of the wayward handbook)

But the one thing that sent the light bulbs flashing for me happened on or right around St. Patricks day (before the first dday)

We were in his truck going home and he asked me if I was happy. I said I know we have our problems but Im happy with our life and family (I loved him, but at the time, unbeknownst to me, he loved someone else) He then told me he wasnt happy, and there was no one else, and, he did not want a divorce.

I got the same "feelings" from his question that I got from my very first boyfriend (20 years ago) when he asked me "what would you do if I cheated"? Diff circumstances, but the "feeling" I had put me into high alert and suspicion.

We had our 1st of many ddays a few months after wh telling me he wasnt happy.

Got real distant.

Started hanging out more and more and later and later.

Would go to basemement or garage and hangout and get mad if I came in.

Would be texting non stop

Would get pissed about his privacy.

Would have nut stains in his underwear and make up some excuse or get really pissed that I would question.

Would come home with gifts stating that someone at work didn't want it.

Just a friend. Tried to get us to be friends.

Was VERY VERY EVIL to me.

All the signs were there and I called him on all of them. I knew he was having an A. I was to scared to do anything for along time.

Mine was never out late, never caught him on the phone, lots of family time. But! Woke up in the mornings looking for a reason to be pissed off...and those of you with kids know you can almost always find one. Second and biggest, went to Dr for testosterone testing (which I suppported, thinking it might explain anxiety/anger). Came home with Viagra. When I was confused (things were good in that department) and said I didn't think he needed it, he disagreed. I asked him point blank who else he was having sex with and he became furious and stormed out of the house, never speaking of it again. Irony: guess who is having ED issues now?

These are from my first now deceased WH, years ago.

1) Finding condoms in his jeans, when we didn't use them - though we might try them some day.

2) Taking 2 hours to drop son at birthday party 5 mins away - stayed talking to the other dads.

3) Out with friend after work, then friend rings up to speak to him. I say, I thought he was with you. Friend says ah yes, he was I forgot. Friend rang next day to apologise for being pissed the day before.

4) Kids answer phone when I ring from a business trip and say day's been out shopping a long time and we are hungry.

5) Got lost coming home from new job when I was miscarrying. Never made it to hospital in time.

6) got lost going home after birth of DS2, when my mum was waiting with DS1. needed a drink on way before facing DS1 and my mum.

Oh yes, the signs were everywhere! But I never thought that he would do that to me. To us.

Bastard!

It's not that I ignored the signs, I just had no idea what they were pointing to. He was never out late, always home on the weekends, no password on his personal cell. His work cell was always password protected as a HIPAA requirement, so no flags raised there.

He did become absolutely evil. No matter what I said, he would get angry. He had always been moody, but this was foul mood overdrive. Out of the blue, about a week before d-day, he suggested a "trial separation". If that ever happens in the future, that's a sure sign...

He wasnt quite done with his first wife while he gave me a test run (didnt know stuff wasnt final)

Mean

Super helpful to every ratchet heffa except me

Extremely judgemental about what I do, about what he wont do, but never offers a viable alternative.

Telling me Im boring, but is not the catalyst of spontenaity himself.

Staying out late, not answering his phone, super defensive...

And of course all my friends told me. What really sucks is the one male friend who was not only spot on in his actions but in his timing to. Pretty much provided me a play by play as his father was the same way.

SIGH...

Mine were all kind of eh:

after years of being yucky mouthed he was crazy about going to the dentist

he started stocking up on things he thought he would need when I found out and threw him out (still LMAO when I see the stuff he bought)

he started CARING about being on time for work

he volunteered to work a lot more and got a second job (trying to figure out how he could support himself)

HE accused ME of being in love with my boss (it was him in love with his)

HE accused ME of cheating with a dad from kid's hockey

he quit going to any of the gatherings with my family

he wanted AWAY from me on holidays

The ONLY thing is how protective he was of his phone. Since he takes call he truly needed to have it at all times. And he was still protective of it after Dday; he had gotten very close to the thing .

Since he takes emergency calls he kept irregular hours, which I never questioned. He didn't change his behavior at all and was as loving and complimentary as ever. We did have less sex than before, but he was getting older and vacation sex was still great. (this downturn had everything to do with how he was feeling about himself--shitty--and nothing to do with sex with the OW, which was infrequent and unsatisfying). He was always home on the weekends and when he was off call and never snuck off ever.

I only got suspicious before Dday because he said he was at work one night and when I went by his car wasn't there and when I got home he had no good explanation (still doesn't, I really think we just crossed paths). I asked to see his phone and found he had erased all the texts. I asked him to bring home his business phone records and he brought home the bill. That night after he was asleep I used the bill to change the password and get the records; then I found the calls and texts. Mostly during the work day, rarely on nights and weekends and never on holidays or vacations. But even so it was every single work day and throughout the day for the full two years that the records went back. He did not admit PA for almost 18 months and only then because I got an anonymous letter and got the OW to confess.

I think because he was so good at compartmentalizing he really did seem like himself when he was home and with his family. He never thought about her at home, unless she tried to intrude on his family time. He would block her attempts and then her crazy would come out.

I would never had known if I hadn't gotten that letter.

None. (to ignore)

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:16 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]