We all point out to others when we see them sticking their head in the sand when there are obvious signs. How many of us did this? Looking back, what signs did you notice, but just brush off to the side?
With my ex-fiancé, I will NEVER forget the great underwear fight of 2005. He asked me if I would please dig through a pile of clean laundry and get a shirt for him. In my digging, I found a thong that wasn't mine. I pointed it out, and he insisted that I was wrong, it was my thong, he had seen me wear it. I was so mad- girls know what underwear we own. I insisted that it wasn't mine. Then, his story changed, and he looked at it and said that he bought it for me. I said that didn't make any sense because the tags were taken off, they were in the laundry, and weren't even my size. He insisted that people need to wash underwear when they buy it, because someone might have worn it in the store (???). It was the stupidest thing I had ever heard of- but somehow I ended up apologizing. Afterwards, my "gift" underwear disappeared.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
so she felt used, and once he told her that the new car she had been test driving and falling for due to it's obvious benefits over her old Chevy, was not available for purchase, she picked up a fix it manual to try to make the old Chevy never guess that she'd been test driving another rig.
But I'm no one's second choice.
so in hindsight I feel really stupid for not seeing that book for what it was, a testament to my everlasting stupidity.
[This message edited by Emptyshelldad at 2:01 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
Other than that it was extreme anger and the silent treatment. The only other sign was that he came home late from work one day, and when I called his cell phone to check on him he was beyond nasty. I truly had no clue that the anger was a sign of an A.
DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA
-The unexplained periods of time he was gone after work.
-The way he guarded his cell phone and left it in the truck to charge.
-The anger, the nastiness towards me and the general attitude tht I couldn't do anything right.
-The distance between us.
Other things like him mentioning he showed OW (an old HS girlfriend) a pic of the kids and she said the twins looked like me.
I was so trusting. So believed in him! I would have bet my life, our kids lives, on him.
Well, those rose colored glasses have been ripped off!
Prior to DDay that reaction put me on the defensive, now it would raise the hairs on my neck and awaken my inner detective.
Had no clue his changes came AFTER he'd already started the EA. Today, if his attitude towards me shifted so fast again, I'd be on high alert!
“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman
outside phone calls in the middle of the night, shutting his computer off when we walked in the room,
suddenly getting late nights at work at a job that didn't allow overtime;
this was the first thing that raised the hairs on he back of my neck;
Times he couldn't be found at work for a phone call when he should be at his desk;
When he wouldn't change his cell phone number and only mine, this was the clue to R being false;
Always looking behind us in the car;
Sneaking off in a store and finding ways to be away from me more and more and more;
Failing sex life over time when I had not changed; it was due to what he was doing but he blamed it on me.
Names of women he started to talk about but never had before and ones that I did not know; also on his fb page; it's believed they are his "conquest collection" or "backup girls"
It was interesting to note that at least three had same name as OW before I deleted my account. ?
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
My H started using teeth whitening strips
The OBVIOUS signs I IGNORED:
* He withdrew from me 100% No sex for a looooong time
* He became a hermit and lived in the basement. He would come home from work, grunt at me, grunt at the kids, eat dinner and retreat to his cave.
* He refused to do anything fun with me - no family outings, no date nights. Nothing.
*Grass stains on his pants from their trysts in the park
* He ran soooo many errands! Almost every night...drug store, gas, etc.
* One Saturday he ran to Home Depot - after 2 hrs I called to find out where he was. He said "I stopped for coffee"...
* On our anniversary gave me a dozen red roses at noon and by 6:00 pm told me he wasn't happy
* Tells me a "friend from work" has invited him and our dd to an amusement park... the story that it was a bday party and the friend needed someone with a van to help transport the kids...
* I found an email he printed from the OW that was encouraging him to leave me. I confronted - just a friend,he said. A friend he could talk to. A friend that just wanted him to be happy
By now you would have thought I'd have gotten a clue! But, nope, not my H! Not in his blood - against his character
* His birthday comes and I am invited to join him and "friends" from work for drinks. I go and there are a handful of people. At one point Mark went to the bathroom, a gal announces "I'm gonna go call Mr L"... I'm thinking NAH! Can't be - her H name must be Mr L too! He went to the bathroom a LOT that night. When I asked months later (after I knew of the A) what it was they talked about I get "nothing really"... so, now, of course, I'm thinking they had phone sex - I mean she called him while he's holding his dick in his hands!
Then everyone leaves, but not this gal - she bellies up to the bar next to H! H tries to draw us into conversation with EACH OTHER! OMG! But remember, I am CLUELESS... Yet I'm thinking... this is his good friend, she knows we are having troubles, WHY doesn't she leave so we can have some alone time?!?
OMG - this reads like a soap opera! It could be a lifetime movie... make that a mini series!
So... MCOW decides to finally leave and she is DRUNK. So out she goes and what do *I* do?? I send my H out to be sure she is OK to drive!!! Of course, he goes willingly!! Comes back and says she is going to sit in her car for a little while and he will check on her later. Oh, what a good friend my H is being to her! He goes out again and is gone for like 1/2 hr!!
But again... I am in total denial...
We get home that night and have sex - he introduces a new move and says (he was also feeling no pain drunk) "I don't think I've ever done this with you"... I remember thinking WTF?? If not with me, then with who? We've been together for 25+ YEARS! But I shrug it off!!!
OMG!! I look back and wonder I could have been so stupid.
But hey, now you can all feel some relief that perhaps you weren't as STOOPID as L2HM was!!
My WW was VERY good and keeping her LTA under lock and key. I do remember many times though when I was questioning her schedule though. I would say things like oh I thought you were doing (insert excuse used) that on Wednesday not Tuesday. I would then get the "you don't ever listen to what I say" thrown back at me so I would then just end my questions at that moment. Now I am the one who has an excellent memory, not my WW. I must have thought that I was going crazy not remembering so I think that is when I started making my WW repeat what she says often by saying "what did you just say" so that I made sure that I had it right. That eventually started driving her crazy as well. Sadly looking back, I was right from the start often on what I heard her schedule was.
Like others have commented...the defensive behavior, getting angry for no reason, etc.. (all out of the wayward handbook)
But the one thing that sent the light bulbs flashing for me happened on or right around St. Patricks day (before the first dday)
We were in his truck going home and he asked me if I was happy. I said I know we have our problems but Im happy with our life and family (I loved him, but at the time, unbeknownst to me, he loved someone else) He then told me he wasnt happy, and there was no one else, and, he did not want a divorce.
I got the same "feelings" from his question that I got from my very first boyfriend (20 years ago) when he asked me "what would you do if I cheated"? Diff circumstances, but the "feeling" I had put me into high alert and suspicion.
We had our 1st of many ddays a few months after wh telling me he wasnt happy.
Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret
Started hanging out more and more and later and later.
Would go to basemement or garage and hangout and get mad if I came in.
Would be texting non stop
Would get pissed about his privacy.
Would have nut stains in his underwear and make up some excuse or get really pissed that I would question.
Would come home with gifts stating that someone at work didn't want it.
Just a friend. Tried to get us to be friends.
Was VERY VERY EVIL to me.
All the signs were there and I called him on all of them. I knew he was having an A. I was to scared to do anything for along time.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
1) Finding condoms in his jeans, when we didn't use them - though we might try them some day.
2) Taking 2 hours to drop son at birthday party 5 mins away - stayed talking to the other dads.
3) Out with friend after work, then friend rings up to speak to him. I say, I thought he was with you. Friend says ah yes, he was I forgot. Friend rang next day to apologise for being pissed the day before.
4) Kids answer phone when I ring from a business trip and say day's been out shopping a long time and we are hungry.
5) Got lost coming home from new job when I was miscarrying. Never made it to hospital in time.
6) got lost going home after birth of DS2, when my mum was waiting with DS1. needed a drink on way before facing DS1 and my mum.
He did become absolutely evil. No matter what I said, he would get angry. He had always been moody, but this was foul mood overdrive. Out of the blue, about a week before d-day, he suggested a "trial separation". If that ever happens in the future, that's a sure sign...
Super helpful to every ratchet heffa except me
Extremely judgemental about what I do, about what he wont do, but never offers a viable alternative.
Telling me Im boring, but is not the catalyst of spontenaity himself.
Staying out late, not answering his phone, super defensive...
And of course all my friends told me. What really sucks is the one male friend who was not only spot on in his actions but in his timing to. Pretty much provided me a play by play as his father was the same way.
after years of being yucky mouthed he was crazy about going to the dentist
he started stocking up on things he thought he would need when I found out and threw him out (still LMAO when I see the stuff he bought)
he started CARING about being on time for work
he volunteered to work a lot more and got a second job (trying to figure out how he could support himself)
HE accused ME of being in love with my boss (it was him in love with his)
HE accused ME of cheating with a dad from kid's hockey
he quit going to any of the gatherings with my family
he wanted AWAY from me on holidays
Since he takes emergency calls he kept irregular hours, which I never questioned. He didn't change his behavior at all and was as loving and complimentary as ever. We did have less sex than before, but he was getting older and vacation sex was still great. (this downturn had everything to do with how he was feeling about himself--shitty--and nothing to do with sex with the OW, which was infrequent and unsatisfying). He was always home on the weekends and when he was off call and never snuck off ever.
I only got suspicious before Dday because he said he was at work one night and when I went by his car wasn't there and when I got home he had no good explanation (still doesn't, I really think we just crossed paths). I asked to see his phone and found he had erased all the texts. I asked him to bring home his business phone records and he brought home the bill. That night after he was asleep I used the bill to change the password and get the records; then I found the calls and texts. Mostly during the work day, rarely on nights and weekends and never on holidays or vacations. But even so it was every single work day and throughout the day for the full two years that the records went back. He did not admit PA for almost 18 months and only then because I got an anonymous letter and got the OW to confess.
I think because he was so good at compartmentalizing he really did seem like himself when he was home and with his family. He never thought about her at home, unless she tried to intrude on his family time. He would block her attempts and then her crazy would come out.
I would never had known if I hadn't gotten that letter.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:16 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson