He has known about SI since I joined and listened to particular posts that I've selected and read out to him. He's also been reading through things in the Healing Library. He is now a member and hangs around in the Wayward Side forum - we have a gentle agreement not to cross over here. He mentioned the other day that he is beginning to construct a timeline which I've heard mention of but not read up on it.
I'm pretty sure I know what but unsure that I know why it's done. I don't know that I need more information than I have - unless, of course, the timeline makes things better than what I imagine.
Have other BS received timelines from their WS? Did it help you?
I know it was hard for her to write it and it was a step forward for her. I did make a difference to me just by getting it.
I think this act, like so many other actions, lose their value as time goes by...The lack of action slows rebuilding.
Early on we were both reeling with confusion and rapid, nonlinear thoughts...I think a timeline early on would have helped my WW view the A in a complete light and let me fully grasp the magnitude of the A.
As it turned out for me months of TT and very specific questioning gave me much of the details of the A. That process has taken its toll on our marriage...almost as much damage done through this as the actual A did. A volunteered, complete timeline by a WS would have eliminated that stressor.
It is encouraging that your H is working on this timeline. I think that shows a real commitment to you and your marriage...I can only see this helping your marriage. God be with you.
God be with us all.
A timeline helps because WSs always minize the A. I always came back to the thought "How do I heal if I don't know what I'm healing from?"
We are in R.
But few WS'es will tell you anything that you don't already know.
For example, would a WS really volunteer information like, 'you know that day you had outpatient medical procedure, couldn't drive, and i told you i had an out of town work meeting and you would have to find a friend to take you home from the hospital? ... I didn't have a meeting. I took off the whole day from work saying I had to drive you and take care of you after the surgery, and instead spent the whole day with OW."
What are the chances a WS who had done something like that to a BS would admit it, knowing it would start them back at the shock and grief of D-Day, all over again? Zero chances. And nearly all of the WS have done something horrific like that to cover an affair they wanted to keep having.
Some have been on work trips during a baby's first birthday. Some have spent the night with an OW while wife was at a dying parent's bedside.
There is usually one or more actions that will be toxic to a marriage even should it stay together and even if forgiveness occurs. kind of like a flesh-eating bacteria where the patient lives but not without a disfigurement or a chunk of her missing.
[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:42 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
Only in retrospect would a remorseful WS see the injury-on-top-of-injury as shameful, even beyond the affair itself.
Finding time to sneak in an affair becomes an engrained habit when it goes on for a while. Wife out of the house - even for hospital, see a sick relative - becomes automatic response to fill in the time with a hookup.
Or that's how I see it. Still ugliness, however.
Get the 'when it started and when it was over' timeline, and if they went on a business trip or vacation together. But as for the rest, assume the worse and you hurt just once about it instead of every single time the trickle truth reveals itself.
So yes, if you visited your sister or had a work trip or went shopping out of town for an afternoon, and the OP lived in your city or close by, the WS probably saw the OP.
[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:37 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
The first time he brought up something he'd been lying to me about and finally admitted the truth on his own, I saw that as real progress. I'd mentioned that he write out a timeline and he said he would if I wanted him to, but now, I don't think I want it.
I think a timeline would have been a good idea for me in the beginning, because I would have had more to go on for my interrogations. Maybe if I'd gotten more truth early on, I wouldn't have that nagging voice in my head telling me that there is more and that it could come to light at any time and crush me. That feeling is there less and less now though, since it's been a few months since I got the last piece of the puzzle.
I think the why can be to satisfy the BS's need to know, but also to give the WS a chance to really lay bare their A, and see it for what it is. If you need it, insist on it. If you don't need it but he needs to write it, I like the sealed envelope idea.
I needed one because my W & I organize our memories/experience differently. I think in terms of who-what-when-where-how-why, and I don't understand how she organizes her experience.
We worked on a timeline together - I asked Qs, she talked, I essentially took notes, drafted a timeline, and got her confirmation.
It was really useful for us. Or for me. I wanted to avoid getting significant new info months down the line. when I thought I heard new stuff, I could refer to the TL and see I actually had heard about the 'new' thing already. Also, we could talk about the same event in the same terms, because the event was documented on the TL.
And, in R, so much goes on that is so emotionally and mentally exhausting. Your WH may get caught up in so much of the R stuff that the details start to float away. And then, if you want them, they aren't there in his mind as clearly.
RockyMtn - D-Day for me was 3rd January this year when my WH confessed to his A last year. On that day he gave me a verbal timeline and broad description of events so, in effect, I do already have this. He has also been completely open to going back over anything when I've asked and answering any questions I've thrown at him.
The idea of having a timeline in a sealed envelope is good for some people but me - I"m too much of a kid to be able to cope with that! Anything sealed and with my name on just has to be opened
I talked to him about it last night and found that actually he wasn't writing a complete timeline, just putting things down in writing for his profile here on SI! He was classing this as a timeline as he's not written it all out before. So, I'd say in his situation, it's more for him than for me.
We have a second MC session today with our new counsellor and she already stated last week that today we needed to look at the 'whys' of his actions (nothing like getting straight to the point!!) and this will involve, to a point, verbalising the timeline again as she has no idea what his A looked like.
Thank you again for such warmth and support
She was gentle but firm with my H allowing him time to verbalise his thoughts and, I believe, that she is helping him to uncover his whys and reveal to him how he is broken.
Anyway there's too much detail but suffice to say we are very impressed with this MC and are hopeful that she can help us to move forward through this awful time.
Thanks all again for the support - it means so much.