I recently had (multiple) truth sessions with my partner- he assured me going into the last conversation that he could forgive me and move on no matter what, that we had been together 10 years and that our love was strong enough as long as he had the truth. I tried to explain to him that I wasn't ready to open up, that he had done some things before and after finding out about the affair that made me unsure of his motives/stability/truthfulness. As we spent time getting to know each other all over again, I began to trust him and he immediately pushed for the information to "rip the bandaid off"- I had not been thinking about the affair- I was still afraid to acknowledge it or think about the questions/answers he had. It took me multiple conversations to be forthcoming and I had lied in our initial conversation on D-day after he became drunk and aggressive to which he is still comparing the answers I give now that he is sober.
He is now not trusting what was said in our final conversation and questioning the same things over and over again. He doesn't seem to understand the emotional side of the affair- believing it has to be more raunchy and physical than I have indicated- though I strayed because he literally didn't speak to me after work, let alone look at me, cook with me- he became a drunk zombie.
I was wrong, I should have worked harder and pushed sobriety and therapy- I escaped. I want to move forward with him, he said that was what he wanted too. Now he goes back and forth from some of the most hateful things I've heard a person speak to the possibility of a future/asking me for more truth to be able to trust me/telling me he loves me more than anything. I don't know what to do here. I don't know how one is supposed to act.
I don't want him to be upset/hurt or to hurt either of us, but I hate to leave him to deal with everything because I don't want him to feel abandoned. I want him to know I am here- I am ready to fight the fight- I have seen the people we are capable of being through therapy and I am ready to work for that, for us.
He seems hell bent on the back and forth opinions and some form of revenge. He keeps saying he wants to hurt the man that I was with or that he needs to go out and sleep with someone to make the hurt of me doing so seem smaller in his mind. I don't think either of these are going to help us move forward, but I don't know how to help him here. I don't know how to break through this wall that I built.