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MovingUpward posted 6/18/2013 09:04 AM

As a father, I am and have been struggling with my oldest DD. During and after the divorce, she became defiant and could be abusive both verbally and physically. She knew how to manipulate me to get her way quite often and when she didn’t she’d blow up. I am her adopted dad so I got the expected “you’re not my real dad” along with the commonly expressed “I hate you” that many teens do to their parents when they don’t get their way. My visitation with her was ended by her over 2 years ago after she blew up over losing her phone for sneaking someone into the house at night and seemed bent on trying to get me to become physical by punching me (she was 17 ½ and a senior in high school at the time). I didn’t but the anxiety was running high and I hated that I had to deal with that situation. I’ve never had a great relationship with her and she wanted me out of her life, I found it easier to let her go.

Where I struggle is that since I have let her go, I am a different person, better person to many. I hear often “How could he let them (kids) go?” in different contexts but I seem to latch onto it and start to feel bad about letting her go and I was usually able to justify it by remembering it was her choice and this is what she wanted. But that doesn't seem to work right now.

So recently, she has run into some problems. I had to help her out financially to get an apartment after Christmas because her BF (now xBF) punched her. I went through the motions of what a dad would try to do, but emotionally I wasn’t there. I was there because of the expected responsibility. Now she has come back for more help. She didn’t get any financial aid for the fall and the question of what to do has come up. She is pushing for help which I have a meeting with her and her mom this week to understand all the details to see if there is a solution. She’s asked if she can move back in (helps her financially), but I don’t think that I can do that. I can’t return to the days of walking on egg shells.

So at the moment, I’m confused to what to do and the anxiety of having to deal with my DD again is growing. Do I trust that DD’s changed? Do I help her out? Do I let her deal with the situation that she created? So if you have extra prayers or mojo, I could use them. If you have advice, I’d love to hear it.

metamorphisis posted 6/18/2013 09:10 AM

MU.. I am familiar with your situation with dd from your posts. I can understand your confusion and sadness. That being said, I would absolutely not let her come back. If it was just you and you wanted to chance it maybe I'd feel differently but you have your two younger kids to consider and they need a stable peaceful home. If she really has changed, let her prove that to you in other ways, but it doesn't have to be under your roof. She burned that bridge repeatedly IMO. You have a right to a peaceful environment and so do the younger two.

Now as far as school, I don't know if there are other options. Do you know why she didn't get any financial aid? Could she appeal?
If her circumstances haven't changed I can't see why she wouldn't qualify anymore.

Undefinabl3 posted 6/18/2013 09:15 AM

Every parent deals with the normal "I hate you" stuff, and let me tell you that my step-father got much much worse from me. How the heck he stuck around with my brother and me being so evil i have no idea.

I think at this time you need to really look at the help that you are providing to her and determine if it really is help or if you are contributing to any kind of dependancy that she is developing.

There's HUGE difference between falling on hard times and just needing a leg up and never really getting up in the first place.

I think that if you treat the moving in as a contract more then just a family arrangement, then you will in turn have more control over the situation.

There will be rules in the house, she will need to sign a contract stating the rules (ie, no boyfriend sleep overs in the house, if she's going to be gone for more then one night to give a curtesy call/text so that you are aware, she will need to do chores at the house as part of her 'room and board'. ect)

Then, also state in the contract that if she starts to abuse the rules or doesnt live up to her end, that she will be given a 30 day notice to vacate and give her a copy.

I personally have never had to move home - I have been incredibly lucky.

Right now though, both of my brother's have moved back home and this is what my mom and step dad did. They both pay 100 amonth in rent, they do their own laundry, they clean the shared bathroom every week, and they cook and clean up after themselves.

my mom and step dad are glad that they are able to help, but they have told them and maintained that it is THEIR house, not the boys' so their rules apply always.

Good luck...super mojo your way

Deeply Scared posted 6/18/2013 09:27 AM

Moo...

I don't have any advice since I'm not a parent but I did want you to know that I'm sending you good thoughts and support with whatever you decide to do. You have great judgement and you're a clear thinker...I'm confident you'll know what to do

wifehad5 posted 6/18/2013 09:29 AM

Sorry you're still dealing with this.

cryingdaily posted 6/18/2013 09:50 AM

You have great judgement and you're a clear thinker...I'm confident you'll know what to do

If you decide that you will allow her to move back in, I agree with the contract. Everything should be in writing and one wrong move and she needs to go.

I also think she needs to hear that she has hurt you and you need to see real remorse from her. If she has truly changed/matured, the remorse will be there.

wifehad5 posted 6/18/2013 09:52 AM

How is the twins relationship with her?

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/18/2013 09:54 AM

(((Moo))

Obviously I don't know your daughter or the situation but offer just some things to think about. If her actions in the past were acting out because of the divorce and being an immature kid, have you seen anything to indicate she has grown since? Or do you think they are more deep than that? Does she come to you because she knows you're safe and doesn't know how to express it, or is it all manipulation?

You actually have a lot to choose from and really all those choices give you the control. You can say no. You can say yes with no stipulations. You can says yes with stipulations. Handling any disappointment that might come after is where I think you have to remember some of the things said in General or JFO. You can't change anyone. Good luck.

lieshurt posted 6/18/2013 09:56 AM

At this point, what has she done to earn your help? From what you describe, the answer would be nothing. MU, tough love is what is needed here. And, as Meta stated, you have two other children to take into consideration. They don't need to experience that upheaval again...and neither do you.

Do I trust that DD’s changed?

No, you don't. As we say time and time again, focus on her actions. What do her actions tell you?

wonderingbull posted 6/18/2013 10:02 AM

Moo....

I've got a 25 y.o. daughter that I didn't know about for years that showed up one day when she was 19 y.o....

I stepped up to help her with college, car and she lived with me during two summers... I gave her the opportunity to get an education and a hand up...

Well, she ended up being the most deceitful and dishonest young woman I'd ever been around... She stole thousands of dollars from me and took advantage of my generosity in every way, shape and form...

To protect myself I completely cut her off... I simply couldn't trust her...

I arrived at my conclusion after much hand ringing by answering one question...

Can I trust her?

If you answer that question no... You know what you have to do...

Best of luck my man...

WB

nowiknow23 posted 6/18/2013 10:40 AM

Sending you strength, Moo. These are such difficult waters to navigate. ((((hugs))))

tushnurse posted 6/18/2013 11:04 AM

Moo- You love your kids so much this is obviously a very hard thing for you to do. Dealing with each aspect of your DD has been difficult at best.

Things to consider, is she just wanting you to be an ATM, and a dorm? If thats the case, and nothing has changed in your relationship, then I would say no to letting her come home. You don't need her acting out in front of the other two, that is a horrible example for what is acceptable behavior.

One of the best/smartest things my parents did when it came to College was they told both my sister and I we had $X amount, and exactly 4 years to spend it in. Anything that cost more, or took longer was on us. Also if we didn't keep our grades up, the money was cut off. I would strongly suggest a contract similar to this. We both took difficult courses and degrees, and managed to get done in 4 years. Yes we had summer school to get it all in, but the motivation to get done was there for sure.

My H's parents didn't want to help with anything with school, as a result he went to a Jr College, and then to a 4 year school, he worked as an Residential Advisor to pay for his room and board for 2 of his 3 years (yup it took him 5 years). but the point being if she is determined to get it done she will find a way.

Listen to your heart, and your gut on this one.

(((and strength))))

somanyyears posted 6/18/2013 11:05 AM

..remembering that i'm over65, and let's say..'old school'.. i'd have to advise TOUGH LOVE as the approach..

..if you are willing to help your 'step-daughter', sit down with her and her mother to set out, perhaps in writing, what your expectations are.

..clearly state what you expect about boundaries at home, chores, curfews, boys in the house, booze, drugs, manners, respect..

..money issues..ie. loans if you want to be repaid at all.

..the physical abuse you tollerated??? what if she starts to abuse you again? will you call police and charge her?

..are you protecting yourself if she makes claims against you physically?

..you may be letting yourself in to much greater problems if she hasn't changed her self-serving attitude and maturity level.

..i see red flags here from what you've already gone thru.

..she made her bed, she needs to know, without ANY doubt, that there will be consequences for any inappropriate behaviour.

..it's all well and good to be generous with your support if she understands her role clearly, but if she's just looking for the free ride.. you could be in for a rough ride again.

..perhaps do some reading on 'tough love' before you open up your heart and wallet to this girl!

..sending you support but please think this thru carefully

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 11:08 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

jrc1963 posted 6/18/2013 11:27 AM

(((Moo)))

Just strength and hugs to you...

abbycadabby posted 6/18/2013 11:28 AM

(((Moo)))

I haven't read any of the replies. I'm sorry this is weighing heavily on you. I would encourage you to seek out an IC to work through these emotions and to help develop a solution that you will feel comfortable with, and one that maintains a safe and stable environment for your twins.

We always say on here to follow your gut. What is your gut telling you?

Why is her mom unable to help her financially with school or with a place to live?

Williesmom posted 6/18/2013 11:41 AM

((moo))

I don't have children, so I don't feel qualified to answer, but I will say that you'll know your path when it comes to you.

jo2love posted 6/18/2013 12:28 PM

(((Moo)))

I'm sorry you are going through this. Her being abusive to you and that now she wants you in her life because she needs $$, is concerning. You have a good heart. It is evident by all of the love and support you give to members here. Deep down I think you have the answer to this. It's not an easy decision, but only you can make it. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by jo2love at 12:29 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

simplydevastated posted 6/18/2013 13:04 PM

First I want to give you big (((HUGS))). That is such a hard thing to go through.

My kids are still little so I'm not sure what I would do if I were in your boat. Part of me would want to help them, but the other part would say that they need to stand on their own two feet at some point and if I'm constantly bailing them out, how will they learn? I guess it boils down to "tough love."

Question. Why does she want to move back in with you since she has told you on a number of occasions that you're not her real dad? Why doesn't she move in with her mother?

As far as school, is there other loan programs she can try to get to help her?

Good Luck.

authenticnow posted 6/18/2013 13:11 PM

(((Moo)))

I read the responses and anything that came to mind as far as advice has already been said.

I do agree that you have very good judgment and if you trust it, you can't go wrong.

Sending lots of mojo your way. None of this is easy.

click4it posted 6/18/2013 13:29 PM

Sending lots of Mojo your way. Your title says it all and I can imagine how this can mix you up in more ways than one inside.

I don't have much to offer in the advice department.

I do have something to share about my step-father's children whom he has no contact with any longer.

When they got into their teen years, they became extremly defiant, abusive, ect to him and my mom. My step-dad and mom were not going to put up with it and they decided to go live with their grandmother 4 hours away because she was on their side and vowed to let them do whatever they pleased.

Well as time went on and the grandmother passed, they would call my step-father occasionally only when they wanted something. Never to say "hi dad, how are you". My step-father was racked with guilt, but did not run to their rescue or from what I remember help them out finanically because he knew it would not end up good. I guess from that point they stopped calling and he has no contact with them to this day although he still wonders how they are and what they are doing. He feels glad he has me and my mom, but sometimes I wonder how it must eat him up inside that his own kids basically "dis-owned" HIM.

I think he exercised tough love and sometimes its the only thing you can do.

Whatever you decide we are behind you 100%. Its not an easy situation to be in.

Hugs.