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New it was going on, just need proof

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brokenfinger posted 6/18/2013 09:11 AM

Well, here I am. 33 years old, mother of two, and starting all over...again.
My ex husband had an online affair 7 years ago, which i kicked him out for. I stupidly took him back, got pregnant with our son. He continued to have issues having inappropriate text conversations. I wanted to believe he could be the man he was striving so hard to be.
Last summer I went on vacation with our kids, and I knew something was amiss while I was gone. When I came home, he was getting texts from a chick named Tanya. First time I met this bitch, I knew she was bad bad news. Like every women he's ever had issues with, they are all the same.
These low class, trailer park, uneducated, gaggle of kids, drains on society.
I soon found out she had been fucking her way through his group of friends, and even ruined his best friends marriage too. I do not understand the attraction, at all!
I had been a mess, trying to keep him on the straight and narrow, trying my best to be " a good wife". Hell, if I had a dollar for every time I said that, I wouldn't have needed to drain the joints accounts lol
I caught him buying her a christmas present, which he turned on me, and told me I ruined christmas being paranoid and suspicious. I have since found out, he did buy her one.
All my gut instincts, all the times I caught him doing things, he'd turn it on me. "your going to throw our marraige away because you are crazy and suspicious?", he'd yell at me. Or the ever famous, " I know I'm the one that made you this way, we will get through this." I think that one smarted more then being mean.
I knew I had to wait him out, I knew that this relationship with this bitch was more then friends.
I was at work on a night shift a month ago, and had a feeling I needed to come home. So since I only live 2 blocks away from work, I made up a bullshit excuse that I forgot my lunch, and needed to run home for a sec.
Even standing in my carport, I was telling myself that I was being stupid and crazy. Even when I walked into my living room, and turned the light on, did it take a minute for me to realize what I was looking at.
After a minute I lost my shit.
I threw 3 right hooks, gave her a massive shiner, cut his nose, and ended up with a boxers fracture to my right pinkey knuckle.
Even then he was protecting her, and pushing me back, while telling me he loves me as I walked out the door.
"we were just laying on teh couch in the dark,nothing had happend yet." Or my new favorite one, as of last week, " I was laying on the couch, in the dark, with my shirt off, and she was standing 15 feet away". Lets note how improbable that is, and my living room isn't even that big. Or him telling our daughter he's not even sure he likes her lol
Our daughter is so confused. I've been upfront with her about happened, but he cannot seem to find a shred of honesty in him.
Was I drunk for the 6 years? Or did I miss the memo that I was married to a total asshat!
There is nothing....and I mean NOTHING worse then being made a fool of, and that's exactly what he did.

SoVerySadNow posted 6/18/2013 09:33 AM

I think you have your proof. She is of questionable character (actually has bad character) and he was semi- clothed in the dark alone with her. That would be enough for me.

You both need to be checked for STI's immediately, and not have unprotected sex of any sort with him until you receive proof in writing from a clinic that his tests have come back clean.
Protect yourself. I'm so sorry, but there's probably more you haven't discovered yet.

Gr8Lady posted 6/18/2013 09:42 AM

When your "gut" tells you something. Don't just listen. TAKE NOTES

Take care of yourself.

Heavy Sigh posted 6/18/2013 09:43 AM

I think it's time to decide if you can accept a marriage with a possibly serial-cheating husband and just live it without drama, or leave. His boundaries with women are bad, meaning he's always 'fishing' for a bite and doesn't want to change. You've caught him twice, so who knows what you haven't caught?

You can't keep up this drama without traumatizing your child, affecting your emotional stability and mental health, and being a bad example for your child to put up with this same crap when your child grows up. Also, next time, you might be the one charged with assault, end up in jail and lose full custody of your kid if he decides he likes the next tramp he screws, you react physically and he dumps you for her. Either way, it's time for you to detach yourself emotionally from his behavior and just see this is who he is, and this is as good as it gets, and to act accordingly. Let him screw around and not give a flip, or leave. Period.

Either accept that your husband dates and don't care, or call it a deal-breaker and file.

This in-between nonsense where he cheats, lies, you get upset, daughter gets traumatized, you think he can change and then it goes into boundary issues and cheating again is a cycle that will end only when YOU DECIDE to end it.

It's cheaper for him to stay married and have his daughter love him and you be nanny, cook and convenient sex when he doesn't get a 'bite' elsewhere, and be in the home while he cheats rather than for him to support two homes in a divorce rather than one.

He isn't the one hurt by his behavior. Just you and your daughter. So either you accept it and detach and not care at all he cheats and stay for the money and stability. Or you prepare to leave.

Those are your only choices. Snakes can wear a teddy bear costume but they're still snakes and don't change. You've been a 'complete mess' you say, trying to be a perfect wife so he won't cheat again, but this is who he is and it's his issues and you can't change his personal wiring that he feels compelled or entitled to cheat. Nothing you can do, nothing you can wear, no make-up, no sweet attitude, NOTHING can change him if he didn't learn the lesson the last time.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:54 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

brokenfinger posted 6/18/2013 09:54 AM

I had an STD check 4 days after I kicked him out!! I'm a nurse, and all over that!
I am done, my marriage is over. I'm just blown away at his attempts to keep lying, what even is the point! Only one he's fooling is himself.
I'm sure there is still a littaney of things I don't know, but I've decided that they don't matter. I know what I saw, and that was the kicker, so to speak. Everything else is just noise in the background.
I think I'm angry because I begged him not to do this to me again, but of course I did not get the respect I was owed.
He had her around my kids this weekend, he said our daughter was fine, but a half hour after I picked them up, my daughter is throwing my grocceries down the belt at the store....she is not fine. And he is also blaming me for that.
I'm working on getting her into to see someone, but my case worker is off until July.
Heavy sigh, I like your comment about snakes in teddy bear clothing. It's so true.
It's hard, to look at someone I've been with for so long, and have no idea who he is.
In BC where I live, we have no fault dovorce. I can't get a divorce before a year, unless I can prove without a doubt he cheated, or he will admitt it, which he won't.
I filed papers for family court a week after I kicked him and we go in July. I found out I can start proceedings for my divorce, the judge just won't grant it, until after May of next year.
I sometimes wish I was a resident of California lol

brokenfinger posted 6/18/2013 10:01 AM

My subject line should have read "just needed proof". I'm out of my cast, but typing with a broken finger, that is tapped to it's neighbor, is proving interesting lol

1Faith posted 6/18/2013 10:29 AM


I am so sorry that you are here. So sorry that your husband chose to be such a complete and utter jackass.

Where were your kids when she was at your house? Please please tell me they weren't there.

Although this totally stinks, I am proud of you for standing up for yourself and your family.

I wanted to do a little cheer when you said you punched them both. I know violence doesn't solve anything but I sure have thought of kicking the OW's butt a few thousand times.

Where is he now? Is he seeing the OW?

He made a fool of himself. You trusted and loved your husband. That doesn't make you a fool it makes you human.

His having an affair had NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him. He is a broken man.

Stay strong. You and your children deserve so much better.


tushnurse posted 6/18/2013 10:39 AM

BR, you do realize that his behavior has nothing to do with the kind of wife you have been. It has nothing to do with you keeping a clean house, meals on the table, or clean undies in his drawer.

He is a broken, messed up, sick individual, and YOU cannot fix that. That is on him. He will blame you for everything, because he has convinced himself that he did nothing wrong. It's a unique gift that cheaters have. That's pretty dumb, and ballsy that he had this woman around your daughter. I would make sure the courts are aware of this occurence.

Keep loving your kids, making sure that they know you are there for them. Use the anger to your advantage, it is helpful in self healing.

((((and strength))))

brokenfinger posted 6/18/2013 10:40 AM

My daughter was at a sleep over, and my son was asleep down the hall, and he thankfully, didn't wake up with all the commotion.

Lots of people are proud I punched them lol I'm lucky I didn't get charged. And going to the ER, where I work, was a little embarrassing, but they were all super supportive.

He was initially living her with her, and just last week got his own little dump to rent. He's with her, but won't admit it. That's his cross to bare. It pisses me off to no end, and my daughter is not coping well, but I have to have faith in time, that will all calm down, and the storm will feel more like a breeze blowing all the bad things away.

I've been listening to "daemons" By Imagine Dragons, over and over these last few days.

I have always said that more often the ones that we let in the cloesest in life, are often the ones that will hurt us the most, and more often then not, it will have nothing to do us.

I'm having issue dwelling on all the things he said over the last 9 months that was the slow plan crash of my marriage. I look back now, and it was like watching a plane spiral out of control, and nothing can be done to stop it, and you can't stop frantically looking for the emergency exit to save you.
Even two days before I walked in on them, he told me our marriage was the best it had been, and he was telling me loved me as I walked out the door. These things play over and over and over in my head. I know I need to stop. I'm hoping getting back to work will help some of that.

1Faith posted 6/18/2013 14:49 PM


I am sorry that your husband chose the road he did.

I hope you can get into IC and your kids in as well.

It is a lot for a family to absorb that they didn't come first.

He was living in a fantasy world. And compartmentalized the affair. I know exactly what you mean about revisiting things he said, places you went etc. It truly disgusted me.

I couldn't believe he could actually attend church with us as a family while having the affair. Who does that?

Rationalization is an unconscious process that keeps a person from feeling bad about his or her actions.

Of necessity, the person doesn’t recognize the rationalizations because recognizing that he is rationalizing means that he can’t rationalize any longer.

People rationalize when their behavior has caused them some kind of legitimate discomfort. This is the function of rationalization: to help us feel better about ourselves when we have done something of which we’re not especially proud.

Sick, twisted and broken. He needs intense therapy.

Good luck and keep your head up. You are stronger than this.


Marley76 posted 6/18/2013 18:05 PM

I feel your betrayal. The red flags for me were as little as coming home late from work and never being hungry for dinner -to me actually finding a condom wrapper in our outdoor trash can. He said the teenager next door must have out it in there. Then when I got the proof saying things like -it was a mistake. That his whores were actually the crazy ones. That it was just sex and on and on. Like those things were going to make me feel better. My point is that I don't really give a shit anymore about the whole truth. I know enough to know that this assclown is a liar and a sociopath. Knowing more would just cause me more pain and not change my decision in leaving him. I'm praying for you. This is a hard path and its staggering just how selfish people can be. Take care of yourself and begin to move forward. You deserve better!!!

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