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How can I ever survive rebuilding trust

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lisakm1126 posted 6/18/2013 09:37 AM

I have realized that after almost 2 years since D-day I've reached a point where I need to start trusting WH again or accept that I can't get past everything and call it quits. I spend almost EVERYDAY convincing myself that he's doing something he shouldn't be. He hasn't given me any reason to suspect anything but what if it it's just in his blood to cheat. Once a cheater always a cheater right? Is this worth it? Am I reading into everything and convincing myself that something is going on so that when I do "find out" (again) I won't be as hurt? Because I've "known" all along? Am I wasting my time to R? How can I EVER trust him again. No trust in a marriage has got to be one of the WORST feelings ever. How do I start...

SecondHelping posted 6/18/2013 10:35 AM

Is he not showing he's been trustworth since D-Day? Is he doing the work? If not, you won't ever feel like you can trust him again.

If he is, and it's consistant, then you should start to feel like you are trusting him again.

For me, I didn't realize that I was starting to trust fWW until a boundary incident destroyed the trust. After that, I was conscious of the trust rebuilding process.

lisakm1126 posted 6/18/2013 10:48 AM

He is doing and saying all the right things... I'm just finding myself wondering what if he really is THAT much of a jerk and behind all the R or even 5, 10, 15 years from now he's doing it all again behind my back... Having his cake and eating it too.. I keep asking myself lately is it worth it to take the risk... What if he's saying and doing all the right things and still cheating :( and lying to my face AGAIN... I find myself giving him attitude and often not doing my part of R because I "just know" it's happening again.. Sometimes i feel like its all in my head and I can't turn it off

SecondHelping posted 6/18/2013 10:58 AM

I realized a few months ago that I can't control what my fWW does. If she wants to cheat again, she will. BUT I know that I'm taking care of myself and I will be OK no matter what happens.

I'm starting to trust my fWW again, but I still check phone, email and whereabouts. I don't think I will ever trust her 100% ever again, but as the trust builds, the urge to check up on her subsides.

Take care of yourself first. Understand what you really want and what you are willing to accept. Set your boundaries and get yourelf to at state where you know if the worst happens, you'll be OK.

At that point the trust may come back.

lilflower1000 posted 6/18/2013 11:06 AM

lisa,I am feeling exactly the same way. My husband has been perfect. He tells me where he is every moment of every day and tells me I can call him anytime etc etc. I just HATE being in a marriage where I feel I need to do these things. I have never been the type to search pockets, emails, phone records. I guess that is what made it so easy for him. Now I feel I have to do all these things.

It also makes me sick that he was able to do these things to me. Even though he is not doing them now, he may do them again if I let down my guard.

Actually, I haven't done much snooping lately some because I am beginning to trust him and some because I have become apathetic about the whole thing. He is going to do what he is going to do and I will find out eventually. I have so many things that I have let go due to the affair. My work has gone to hell in a hand basket, I am surprised I have not been fired. I have not been the mom that I used to be,I don't go to church anymore and my house looks like hell. I have to let this go for my kids sake.

I look great! Lost 40 lbs, and have a great new hairstyle, I have gotten really good in the sack as I try to please him, and I am a really good private investigator. The things that used to be important to me have gone to the wayside as I try to please him and make him stay. It makes me sick and I am done with it.

lisakm1126 posted 6/18/2013 11:20 AM

I read somewhere that all you can do is live each day for the present not the future... I do feel like I could easily do that but I do also feel if I let my guard down he will just be "more careful" next time.. He's lied to me and done this twice what's stopping him now? It's SO frustrating..I can't live like this forever.. I worry that if he sees me happy and loving him like I used to (which is pretty much all he is asking of me)that he will think he's finally be "off the hook".. Am I ready to let go and try to be happy again? I just don't want it to be for nothing :(

1Faith posted 6/18/2013 11:31 AM

I think it is completely normal to have these feelings.

The betrayal turns your world upside down and then some.

You don't trust normal. You don't trust yourself because you feel you missed the signs before. I get it. It's a coping mechanism to try to protect yourself from being devastated again.

My IC told me to try not to connect dots that weren't there. It's hard I know.

I think you finally have to get to the point where you give it to God.

You can't control your husband. If he wants to cheat he will. As ugly as that sounds it's true. Hopefully he learned a very hard lesson and is truly committed to being a better man for you and your family. Actions speak louder than words.

If you truly want to reconcile, you have to realize the affair is something that happened but it is not something that is happening.

I don't think you will ever truly trust him 100% again. We will always have the lingering thoughts in our minds but hopefully we can get to the place where it does not dictate our lives. Shoot for I trust him 90% and that is still an A.

Hang in there. Hope you have better days ahead.

Good luck.

sisoon posted 6/18/2013 13:38 PM

I don't see how a person can resolve this on his/her own - there are too many voices saying too many things that might be true.

You're having a hard time deciding what you want to do. Have you considered IC? An IC can help you sort out all the arguments and figure out which ones will carry the day for you.

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