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abbycadabby posted 6/18/2013 11:21 AM

I had an interesting weekend.

Sat morning, my sis calls and says she is meeting our biological father, whom we haven’t seen in 28 years. I was four years old when my parents divorced and he essentially stayed away for our entire lives. He didn’t pay child support like he was supposed to and built up major arrearages. A few years back, he wrote my mom a letter asking her to forgive his arrearages so that he could be eligible to receive disability. The whole front page of the letter was very woe is me, have mercy on me stuff, I’m hurt and can’t work… back problems, knee problems, I’ve had a stroke, etc. On the back page of the letter was a little blurb, “tell the girls I said hello.” I was relegated to the back page, which just reiterated and really drove home how I’d felt my entire life.

For the majority of my life, I was pretty much just over him. I didn’t care to get to know him. I didn’t seek him out. I called him “sperm donor” because that’s all he was to me. It was very much a defense mechanism wherein I felt if he didn’t want to know me, if he was going to reject me, then I sure as hell didn’t want to know him and I would reject him right back. My attitude was, why should I?! What has he done for me? Why should I put myself out there… I don’t need his approval or affection. I don’t need HIM. And further, I felt like the ONLY reason I’d ever want to meet him is to show him, to rub in his face how freakin awesome I turned out without his influence. And to show him that he missed out on knowing a damn good person.

Apparently, my cousin and aunt (real father’s niece and her mom) had found us on facebook about a month ago. I didn’t respond to their friend requests because I didn’t recognize the names. My sister DID respond to their requests and began communicating with them. They set up this meeting wherein they were going to come meet my sister. When sis got there, they surprised her by bringing our father and our half-brother.

So, cut to Saturday. My sis called me to tell me where she was. She was very concerned that I would be angry at her (I wasn’t) and told me she intentionally didn’t tell me about the meeting because she knew I’d be critical and try to talk her out of going (I would’ve). She asked me if I wanted to come up and meet them all and spend some time getting to know them. I already had plans to hang out with BF and his kids, so I declined. She tried pressuring me and I got upset because I felt cornered or something, started crying, and got super angry. I told her I wasn’t mad at her, but I wasn’t coming and that I hoped she enjoyed her time meeting them.

So, later on that day, BF came into town with his kids and we had a REALLY good day together. I needed that time away with them and time to take my mind off of what my sister had told me. BF helped me process it and encouraged me to be open to the possibility of contact with the new family, and that he felt I might regret not meeting them, particularly my father. He tempered that by saying we have 2 different outlooks- he comes from a very family centric environment and doesn’t fully understand what I’m going through. Family is important to me, but these people are just blood relatives. They’re not family- they haven’t been there for me and I don’t even know them. I don’t consider them family. Anyway, we talked about it but that wasn’t the major focus of our day. We had a really good time.

The next morning, I woke up and started thinking about what BF said. What if I DID end up regretting not meeting them when I had the opportunity? It was weighing heavily on me, so I made arrangements to drive up to meet them. It was so ironic that I met my deadbeat father for virtually the first time ON Father’s Day. When I saw him for the first time, I just stopped and stared at him for an uncomfortable, inordinate amount of time. The resemblance was so striking it seemed as though I were looking in a mirror. I’m way prettier than him ; ) but there was definitely a resemblance. In fact, that’s the first thing I said- “It’s like looking in a mirror,” and he agreed.

We spent some time together just engaged in light chit chat, get to know you type stuff. There was no delving deep into difficult emotions or attempts to heal. He did say that he loved me, that it was never his choice to abandon me and that he always wanted to be part of my life. I just stared at him. He asked, “What, you don’t believe me?” I stated that I wasn’t sure who to believe. But I honestly believe my mom never tried to keep him away from us. She confirmed this once I got home. She said the only thing that even could be construed as her keeping us away was, once, he asked her to bring us up to his state to see him. She declined as 1) she couldn’t take the time off work (it was shift work with no PTO) and she couldn’t afford to just pack up and take us up there and 2) she felt it was his responsibility to make the effort to see us, so he could very well have made a trip down here.

On the way back from the meeting, I spoke with BF the entire 3.5 hour drive home, and while I held my emotions together tightly during the meeting, I got overwhelmed and cried some on the way home. Both BF and sis think I handled myself well. I was glad I went; it was like a piece of the puzzle was put into place. I don’t know how things will turn out, but I’m in touch with the cousin through facebook- we seem to have a lot in common as we’re messaging and getting to know each other. My half-brother was kind of shy and didn’t say much. He friended me on facebook but hasn’t reached out further than that. My father hasn’t friended me on facebook but has my phone number and has texted me a couple of times.

If you made it this far, I applaud you! I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Mainly I just needed to get this out. Any words of wisdom or hugs or whatever, would be greatly appreciated.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 11:23 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

jrc1963 posted 6/18/2013 11:33 AM

(((Abby)))

gahurts posted 6/18/2013 11:34 AM

((((AbbyCadabby))))

simplydevastated posted 6/18/2013 12:13 PM

(((HUGS)))

My dad walked out after I graduated high school because he didn't want to pay child support. The last time I saw him was at my grandmother's funeral. That's it. My aunt told him about my kids, she said "you have two beautiful grandkids." His response was "so." Thanks dad! Much appreciated!

I used to feel a twinge of regret for not staying in touch with him and for the my babies for not knowing him (he moved to Arkansas when we walked out. I won't mention the reason so you thread won't be moved to general ) but after that comment that twinge of regret is for the most part gone.

I'm not exactly of the point of my ramblings, but I just wanted to let you know that I know what you're feeling. Just do feel that you have to force a relationship with family you've never known. Do what feels right even if it means continuing to not be in touch, and don't let anyone pressure you to keep in touch. It's your life and your feelings and everyone has the right to feel what they feel.

I hope some of this helps.

(((HUGS)))

nowiknow23 posted 6/18/2013 12:14 PM

Wow, Abby. I can't even begin to imagine what all is swimming through your head. ((((hugs))))

This is a huge thing to process. Take your time, honey. Let things soak.

jo2love posted 6/18/2013 12:19 PM

(((abby)))

abbycadabby posted 6/18/2013 18:27 PM

Thanks guys. Your hugs and supportive words are so so nice. This is hard.

Kajem posted 6/18/2013 20:38 PM

(((((abbycadabby))))))

It has been a long time since I've read it, but have you read the Journey from Abandonment to Healing? It might help you to sort thru all the feelings you have swarming thru you right now.

More hugs,

K

abbycadabby posted 6/18/2013 20:52 PM

No, kajem, I haven't read that book. I'll have to check it out. With graduate school there is not much time to read for pleasure/leisure though.

I am SO stressed. I developed a case of shingles last Thurs. These things HURT. Not just surface pain, but deep, stabbing pain sometimes. This comes on the heels of 3 fever blister outbreaks over the course of the last 2 1/2 months or so. My stress level is astronomical and it's making me sick. This stress is one of the reasons I didn't want to engage him right now.

In meeting him, I expected to be angry. I expected I'd give him a huge piece of my mind and then storm out in some over dramatic way. And goodness knows, I'm angry. I still have more questions than answers. But mainly, I just felt sorry for him, along with a bone deep tiredness.

I am a mess.