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Kids interpretation of stbx text ...

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dmari posted 6/18/2013 11:58 AM

Quick backstory: DD17 has not seen/communicated with stbx since November 2012 and DS14 has not seen/communicated with stbx since February 2013.

Since our pre-decree court date in March when he tried to accuse me of parental alienation and that I don't allow him to contact the kids to which I showed phone bills that proved that HE doesn't make the effort to contact the kids, stbx started to text the kids regularly for the first week; then it was every other day; then once a week; and now it's been over a month since he last texted them. Ok. Whatever.

On Father's Day, he texts them to say that they still have a father that loves them and thinks about them often and that he waits until they can forgive him (he has never apologized) and want him to be in his life. Passive asshole.

Anyways, my DS14 has a cognitive issue and I think it came in to play with his interpretation. He said he thought at first the text was from me telling him to wish me a Happy Fathers Day. Sounds confusing? Because it is but that's my boy. He said once he realized it's from stbx that he felt annoyed and angry.

My DD17, on the other hand, told me the text was basically a reminder that he is still her dad.

Neither kids responded. I'm not sure where I am going with this. I guess when I first read the text, I felt weirded out and anxious or triggered ... I'm not sure. I had to remind myself constantly that the relationship between stbx and my children are not my business UNLESS I feel it is harmful to my children. I thought it was strange that he chose Fathers Day to text them? Maybe he was hoping for a response? I have no idea. I make a conscious effort to not waste to much time trying to figure out irrational thinking.

I read somewhere on SI "It takes more than a penis to be a dad". Exactly.

nowiknow23 posted 6/18/2013 15:05 PM

I thought it was strange that he chose Fathers Day to text them? Maybe he was hoping for a response?
My take? I think it makes perfect sense that he contacted them on Father's Day. You couldn't miss what day it was, and he probably thought, "why isn't anyone admiring me on Father's Day? Where's my 'World's Greatest Dad' mug?"

So he went fishing for it.

movingforward13 posted 6/18/2013 15:11 PM

Asshole. I am glad they are ignoring him... Maybe it will get through his thick skull how much he hurt your family.

Crescita posted 6/18/2013 15:17 PM

Ugh, I'd be annoyed and angry as your son is. It sounds like he is blame-shifting his lack of involvement in their lives onto them.

Reality posted 6/18/2013 15:18 PM

Your story is very similar to mine. My ex only showed an interest in the kids for the first six months, the period between when I kicked him out and the divorce was final. They had been invisible before that. Once the papers were signed, he went MIA for three months, then went six months, until now he goes a year to eighteen months between contacting us.

At the modification hearing, when I took him back to court for more child support since he was not helping with time or expenses at all, he claimed I wasn't letting him see the kids. I knew he was going to do that and had a spreadsheet with each visit logged in at what location (99% my house, where'd he'd come sit on the couch and doze during his "visitation") and five statements from friends and family to confirm the spreadsheet was accurate. I also had our phone records and bank statements to prove expenses related to the kids and that he didn't call or text them.

The judge nailed him. Told him he didn't have anymore scheduled visitation, but that it was whatever was convenient for me from then on.

We get an email from him once a year or so, completely passive aggressive and a testament to just how much he loves to put on the "tortured soul" bit, while STILL making it all about him. A small excerpt of the one we got this past week:

Hello my children,

I feel like my using that pronoun for all of you right now is not received with a lot, if any, agreement from some or all of you. I do not have any other understanding from our recent interactions. This is how it should be, in my opinion, because I have demonstrated by my actions that I donít care. I am under no delusions otherwise. I am deeply sorry and regretful that my actions, as interpreted by me, and a vast many others who have a vested interest in both my own and your well beings agree I have failed to show you what you mean to me and how I feel about you. These same people/relatives/friends also are vastly disappointed in me for letting my non-actions continue this long. Many of them relayed this message to me vehemently so. I know I havenít been around with any kind of consistency for years. I know I havenít communicated with you in any way that was beneficial. I know I havenít done anything to show you I am interested in who you are, where you are going, or why you are going there. I have barely appeared in person enough lately for you to remember what I look like. I havenít sent any birthday cards, Christmas presents, graduation cards, etc. for a couple of years. The presents I said were on the way that never arrived. At least in my memory that is the case.

We get a carbon copy of the same statements every time. Nothing changes, of course. This is just a recurrent self affirmation he does to polish up his self image. There's always some mention of demanding his visitation or time with the kids, even though he has none. There's always some veiled threat (if the contact is made during the spans he's employed and the state has garnished his wages) that his present job is a traumatic environment and he knows if he just took time to find himself, he'd be so much happier.

There's always some "subtle" fishing for information about me or if I regret ending the marriage yet.

My kids' response? "FTG." I tried to cushion it all for them, but they were the ones who told me to stop, that it was futile. They knew what/who he was way before I was ready for them to, but he kinda gave them no choice.

Hugs, dmari. When people only relate to people on a level of "what are they doing for ME/what am I getting out of it" relationships are disposable. To lots of men, this even means their kids, damning as that is.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/18/2013 15:23 PM


I know I havenít communicated with you in any way that was beneficial.

And he thinks this new one was beneficial?? What a maroon..

ButterflyGirl posted 6/18/2013 15:23 PM

double post..

But I also wanted to add, yeah, it take more than a penis to be a dad.. Assholes..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 3:24 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

Phoenix1 posted 6/18/2013 17:58 PM

My DD17, on the other hand, told me the text was basically a reminder that he is still her dad.

My DD16 has informed me that he will always be her father, but she does not consider him her dad anymore because of what he has done to the family. So sad, but his own doing. And when POS told me he didn't receive any "Happy Father's Day" text from her, I asked her about it. Her response, "He can suck my balls, Mr. Garrison, he is getting nothing from me!" Okay, she has watched WAY too much South Park, but it was funny...

At almost 17, she has a mind of her own, has made it up, and POS must deal with the consequences of his actions... no pity from me at all and he can enjoy growing old(er) alone.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 5:59 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

Ashland13 posted 6/18/2013 20:34 PM

I've got some friends who had the father abandon them for OW and they have a child who is a teenager and one under ten.

The teenager is like yours, FWIW, and actually mocks the father as well, makes fun of him, and the father has lost the boy's respect. The boy is also getting in major trouble in his life during the visits with the ExH who is alcoholic and it's really sad to see.

The boy will fight with the mom and it's the mom stuck cleaning up the messes the boy gets in.

The latest one I heard of is the boy (15 years old) bent under peer pressure, got drunk with ExH's beer and took off in ExH's truck. He totaled it and got hurt as well.

I guess the story is to say that this sounds like a common reaction of teenagers who know.

DD of ours I struggle with because she is 10. In my mind she's too young to know all the details of the A, but she pines for Perv and struggles to please her father, who totally dissed her and her life. I can't stand to see this struggle in her, but can't stand for her to know all of it, either?

I'm sorry, Dmari, for I get blamed for stuff too that I didn't do, it's just because I'm the parent who has any boundaries. I hope there is a way to make sure your WH and L know that it's not you. Maybe it will take time and you just have to keep repeating it over and over or it will be something that happens over time?

I get accused of meddling often, and it's backlash because I'm supposed to have ability to know of their plans, because of the way he did things, and he hates that. He feels like anything I have an opinion about is trying to take away their visiting's not.

dmari posted 6/18/2013 23:21 PM

There are so many wise people in our forum. I am so blessed to be a part of it. Thank you for responding! I really learned a lot from all of you. Thank you!!

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