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JanaGreen posted 6/18/2013 13:49 PM

I see a theme in the "accepting the love" thread in Recon - ladies saying that they are accepting the love by accepting compliments.

My H told me that he hated it when I would insult myself after he complimented me and that's why he stopped complimenting me in the past (I think there's way more to it than that, but I do believe that may be part of it). I also had an ex who complained that I couldn't accept compliments either.

This seems to be a common theme among women, given the replies. How badly does it bother you when your partner won't accept your compliments? Not at all? Somewhat? A ton?

atsenaotie posted 6/18/2013 13:56 PM

When FWW does it I see her lack of confidence in herself, and a dismissal of me and my opinion. I still say them, but they are much more superficial, because if she is going to blow them off why should I put much effort into it?

I much prefer a thank you followed by touching my arm or a hug. Then we both get our love language expressed to us.

Ironically, before dday when FWW would blow-off my compliments, her internal dialogue was that I did not like her. She projected her feelings of herself on to me. As FWW has gotten "better" through her work on herself, she is more likely to accept the compliment and thank me.

Rebreather posted 6/18/2013 13:58 PM

I'm not a man, but I wanted to share this. I discussed it with my IC and when I told her that he would compliment me on days/times I felt like crap and therefore I thought he was insincere, she said to me, "why would you deny someone's gift." It really stuck with me.

Why would you deny his gift?

Recently we were in bed and I made mention of my basic trollness (weight is sticking to me like cat hair on velvet), and he said, "The only thing I find unattractive about you is when you talk about yourself that way." He's right. It IS unattractive.

JanaGreen posted 6/18/2013 13:59 PM

It seems like the lack of ability to accept compliments is not a BW thing or a WW thing, but a woman thing.

But I wonder if a BW who didn't have a problem accepting compliments before D-Day would have issues afterward, feel like they are fake/forced.

JanaGreen posted 6/18/2013 13:59 PM

The only thing I find unattractive about you is when you talk about yourself that way.

My H told me it was a turn-off.

Tred posted 6/18/2013 14:04 PM

My H told me it was a turn-off.

Not only that, to me it feels like a rejection of my feelings. Eventually you get tired of the constant rejection and it hurts less not to compliment.

sportsfan posted 6/18/2013 14:34 PM

When I compliment my W and she deflects it or rejects it, it really doesn't bother me. Sometimes I'll tell her that she looks nice and she'll appreciate it ... that doesn't happen all the time but it's great when she does. I see it as a hit or miss kinda thing ... I don't take it personally.

wonderingbull posted 6/18/2013 14:38 PM

It's insulting to be backhanded by your own compliment...

WB

Belgrade posted 6/18/2013 14:47 PM

I've often told my wife when she refutes my compliments that eventually I may start to agree with her. Self deprecation is one thing but outright refusing to accept any compliments isn't attractive at all.

sisoon posted 6/18/2013 15:10 PM

This is a problem for many males, too.

Among other things, a lot of people train themselves or are trained to hear some self-deprecation after a compliment. Others are trained or train themselves to expect a compliment in return. The result is a lot of false self-deprecation or false compliments, which are easy to ward off.

Also, a lot of times we get complimented for stuff we do easily, so it doesn't make sense to accept a compliment.

But accepting honest compliments is good for both giver and receiver, even though it's sometimes difficult to do.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:10 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

cancuncrushed posted 6/18/2013 15:51 PM

I find it very difficult to accept compliments from H. First of all, he used to never give them, so its very convienent now. ANd for me its about your feelings. I can see desire in his eyes while he looks at 25 yr olds. He just looks very insecure and doubtful when he looks a me. So I feel Its faked. I appreciate the effort. BUt say what you mean. I dont need more lies. Eyes tell the truth. He has looked at me with desire. SO My point is, I can tell the difference. Keep it real. I am insecure after all this crap. I dont need you to fake it.

louisianamp posted 6/19/2013 10:22 AM

Rebreather has a very good point. I know, as a man, when I give a compliment, it is because I mean what I am saying. I know men and women communicate differently, and that is something we all have to learn to deal with, and accept. When I compliment, it is a gift, from the heart. Having it brushed off does hurt. It is like giving a gift, to find out it was returned for something they wanted more.

WhatsRight posted 6/19/2013 11:14 AM

I think I have a hard time accepting any compliments because if I was so great to him - why the infidelity?

I'm not condoning it, but I think sometimes there is real reason to not accept compliments.

MoreWould posted 6/19/2013 14:24 PM

Check out the Emotionally Unavailable threads for a deep mine of comments on this topic. My FWW had a list of FOO Factors as long as her arm, EU at the top of the list, and inability to accept compliments the leading symptom. It got so bad she just assumed that any compliment by me was living proof of my insincerity, if not outright dishonesty.

confused615 posted 6/19/2013 14:26 PM

I have a hard time accepting compliments also. He rarely gave me one before he cheated on me(he will tell you different). Now,when he says anything about how I look,I just smile and look away. I just don't believe him.

painpaingoaway posted 6/19/2013 14:56 PM

I have a terrible time accepting compliments from H. But, I blame it on him, lol! What I mean by that is this: to me, just a "you look nice" kind of compliment doesn't do it for me (coming from him). He needs to say what 'looks nice'. Like, perhaps, something like this: "wow PPGA, I love that dress, it really brings out the color of your eyes" or, perhaps, instead of saying, "I love you", instead say " I love you because you make me happy " or because "you are loyal" or whatever.

brokenandconfuse posted 6/19/2013 16:01 PM

My H always complimented me expecting that I return the exact compliment to him. He did a few times compliment me just because and I did not accept them. I did this because of the abuse in my life from my parents and from him, that I just quit believing that there was anything good about me at all. It was the first thing brought to my attention in IC. I have had to work very hard to accept compliments from others, but it feels good to me to be able to acknowledge them and for them to be acknowledged. I honestly did not realize that until it was brought to my attention.

wifeno2 posted 6/19/2013 17:02 PM

It's such a difficult thing for me too. WH sometimes compliments me. Other times puts me down or let's me know he does not find me attractive. Or at least not as attractive as other women he could have.

I have always thought of humility as a positive characteristic. I do not generally toot my own horn. But in the past I feel I handled compliments graciously. WH seems to only see what someone boasts of being. If they downplay their accomplishments or attributes he doesn't see them. So an arrogant OW he sees as beautiful bc she tells him she is. I tell him I'm not going to brag and be sees me as plain

It's a catch 22 for me. Do I start to brag and take on a characteristic I dont like so WH sees me that way? Or be true to myself and be seen as "less than" I really am?

GeorgiaMom posted 6/19/2013 17:48 PM

Great thread for everyone to read. I fine if hard to receive compliments too. Amazing how difficult it can be to just say "Thank you" when people say something nice about you...

uncertainone posted 6/19/2013 18:00 PM

This is a problem for many males, too.

Very true. My response is always, "well, I guess you know yourself better than anyone, so never mind".

Same response when someone goes the other direction with the "I'm such an asshole". I never argue that one.

It feels like a very inauthentic communication.

This isn't really a thread jack but have any of you also run into someone complimenting you about something you know isn't one of your traits? That one always stumps me...like when someone calls me sweet. I don't argue but also know they either haven't been paying attention or don't know me.

I wonder if that's what's going on in other situations as well, sometimes. Assigning a trait to someone and complimenting them on it when they know they aren't the embodiment of it.

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