[This message edited by ideservebetter45 at 2:34 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
Identifying and articulating how you feel, and that it doesn't feel "right" because it's not in the best interests of your child, speaks volumes about your character.
Get therapy. Heal. I think you're in touch with your emotions and that you're going to be juuuuuust fine.
Same for the OW. If my mom or sister or a close friend were to be nice to and hang out with her, they would be disowned!! But I can't do that with my kids.. I suppose I have to let them enjoy their time with her and be thankful that they like her.. But it just feels so wrong considering what she did to me, so it does feel like a betrayal from the kids, even though I know in my brain it's not..
In my opinion, I would say you can let your DD know what happened and let her hate his behaviors without hating him as a person.. You shouldn't bash him as a person and call him "trash," but you can certainly bash his behaviors. I think you can to let her know how unacceptable his behaviors were and that you don't approve.. She is learning about life through you and the examples you set, so I would try to take the high road and continue counseling to try to let go of some of your anger, but she needs to learn from this..
I know how critical it is for her to have a relationship with him, so I'm taking the high road (even though it is SO hard to do sometimes). I just pray that slutface is kind to my children. I'm so worried about that. She had no kids of her own, so she us clueless about what she's gotten herself into.
[This message edited by newlysingle at 7:28 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
I realised quite early on that the real thing I loathe the most in the world is anything/everything that causes harm to my children. This has helped me navigate through the hard times.
There are absolutely selfish reasons for having these feelings but IMO we also want to protect out kids from the inevitable future hurt these fucktards are going to inflict on them.
I am having a hard time surrendering to that aspect myself. My IC told me this doomsday thinking wasn't going to help my girls or me whether it happens or not.
I made a conscious decision to channel my energy into being the one great parent they need - they really only do need one and I am not at my best for them or for me when I indulge in this line of thinking.
I have not enjoyed the dark, murky stuff this trauma has stirred up in me but it has been enormously cleansing to work through and release it.
My girls won't grow up with a mum who was made bitter by this shit - I simply won't allow it. For them and for me. It is no way to live.
Here's the thing - our WS and the OW didn't just do this to us, they did it to the kids too -they cheated on their kids every bit as much as they cheated on us.
Now when the little bully kid down the street does something mean to our kids, what do we do? We tell our children that they shouldn't hang around with the little bully kid, because as parents our job is to teach our children to not let themselves be around people who do mean things.
Now we're in a situation where the coparenting 101 manual states that we can't badmouth the other parent, so we have to bite our tongues about what a shitty thing our WS did when they cheated and walked out.
I need therapy too.
However, it would really be difficult had they been younger so I feel for all of you in that situation.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet