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justbreath posted 6/18/2013 15:10 PM

I found out a little over a month ago that my husband of 11 years had been having an affair for the last 8 months. We have 4 wonderful children, so many memories and what I thought was a good marriage.
We are trying to R, but I'm having a hard time with this emotional roller coaster I'm on. Some days are ok, others I'm doing good to just breath.

simplydevastated posted 6/18/2013 15:17 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this. This is going to be a long road. You have found the right place.

If you haven't already, check out the healing library. There is a lot of helpful information there.

Is your husband showing you remorse and transparency? How is he helping you through your rough days?


justbreath posted 6/18/2013 15:22 PM

He has been a different person since all of this, open, patient, caring, has did everything I asked and answered every question I've posed. I just want off this merry go round! The ups and downs are enough to drive someone mad. I can be completely fine and then fall apart. It's absolutely insane.

Lucky posted 6/18/2013 15:25 PM

He has been a different person since all of this, open, patient, caring, has did everything I asked and answered every question I've posed. I just want off this merry go round! The ups and downs are enough to drive someone mad. I can be completely fine and then fall apart. It's absolutely insane.

Welcome to SI! Sorry you had to find us but you'll find amazing strength and support here.

Your feelings are going to be this way for quite some time to come - sadly.

On average it takes two to five years to recover from infidelity.

You haven't mentioned where the OW is in this picture?

simplydevastated posted 6/18/2013 15:29 PM

His remorse and depth of feeling is a good sign. Lucky is right, it can take years to fully heal for infidelity.

Keep posting, it helps.

justbreath posted 6/18/2013 15:29 PM

The OW actually lives one town over from us. I've not had any contact with her and have no intention of doing so. I'm sure my behavior would not be very ladylike. (feeble attempt at humor there)

justbreath posted 6/18/2013 15:31 PM

I should add neither has he had any contact. He did have a weekend job in this town and quit because of this.

1Faith posted 6/18/2013 15:34 PM

Sorry you have found us and the club no one thought they'd ever join. Please know this is a safe place with people who will care and support you.

It is all so very new and raw.

You are in shock. Your world has been turned upside down.

It is completely normal to feel everything and all at once. We call it the rollercoaster from hell.

I provide you with the timeline to let you know that it is normal for you to hurt and vacillate for sometime. It helps to put it in context and to try not to speed up your healing. You have to go through it not "get over it"

Your mind can only absorb so much trauma. Deep breaths and know that we are all here for you.

Good luck

Timeline of Recovery

Good timeline I found on another site...Hope this helps..

Q: How Long Will It Take Me To Heal From This?

A: There is no set time line. On the average it's 1-2 years to heal from betrayal. 3-5 years is not out of the norm.

Below is a general guide, not everyone heals in the same amount of time as others, there are variables to consider in each individual's situation. It's a rollercoaster ride, emotionally and physically, but I promise you - you can and will survive. But, you will never be the same and that's not always a bad thing.

D-day to 6 months is devastation; you're done with life, in shock and sick at heart. You are raw emotionally and never knew such despair could be felt.

6-9 months are full of mood swings from "it's going to be okay" to "Why am I even trying." Your thoughts are emotion driven and not dependable.

9-12 months you can actually go about 15 minutes without thinking about "it." One morning I stepped out of the shower and realized that I hadn't thought of the affair yet. But sadly, those times were few and far between. You're still up and down emotionally.

Then at 12 months, sobbing again with the disappointment in your spouses selfishness

14 months you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment.

18 months the incredible crush of despair is gone. You wake up one morning and realize that the A was something that happened, not something that is happening.

20 months you no longer feel like your world is in danger. Trusting again, with your heart if not with your brain. Constantly questioning your own feelings but you realize it is fear stalking you now, not danger.

22 months you can see a future. You don't cry at the drop of a hat. You can watch television without falling apart at a love scene. Actually feeling almost back to your normal self. You finally loose that sense of being "outside" yourself. The phases can trick you, you think you're doing great at five weeks and then you hit the bottom of the well at 12 weeks. You can be raging at 10 months with a horrible anger that never appeared early on.

One day at a time...keep kind and patient with yourself.

justbreath posted 6/18/2013 15:50 PM

Thank you all so much for the replies. I have felt like I'm the only one to ever experience this, unfortunately, I see I'm not. I'm glad I've found this site, just being able to "talk" has actually made breathing easier!

Akers2 posted 6/19/2013 12:17 PM

I just found out 2 weeks ago :( I'm also 23 weeks pregnant. I know exactly how much pain you are in and you feel like its too unbearable. I've gone through so many emotions and even embarrassed myself by sending her about 40 emails yesterday. I just want her to hurt too. Doubtful. Well get through this! We deserve the live and respect that was promised. Keep your chin up, as will I! (((((big ole HUG))))

justbreath posted 6/19/2013 13:56 PM

Akers 2...sending ((hugs)) your way! We'll both get through this!

Jospehine85 posted 6/19/2013 14:13 PM


I am almost exactly a year a head of you. I have 4 kids. My WH's A consisted of a drunken makeout session with MOW, no contact for 8 months and then an 8 month PA/EA.

I know what you are going through now and what you will go through during the next year.

Is OW married? You should tell her BH if she is.

Is your WH totally transparent with you? Do you have full access to his phone? Computer? Passwords to all of his email, skyp, google+, Facebook, etc accounts?

This is important for you to have. Part of rebuilding your trust in him is your ability to look through all of these things WHENEVER you want and see that nothing suspicious is there.

At SI we use the phrase "trust but verify". If he says he isn't calling or texting her, trust that but still check the phone bill and his phone. If he has told the truth it will make a deposit in the trust bank that is currently severely overdrawn.

Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. You will have days where you will function almost normal and others where you just want to curl up in a ball in a dark closet and cry. That is normal.

Gradually, if your spouse is remorseful and behaving properly, you will have more and more moments of feeling normal. Eventually you will have hours of normal.

I found that the more I was out of the house doing things, the better I was.

Warning: After floating along sad but otherwise feeling better pulled together, at about 6 and 9 months I was hit with some pretty intense rage days. I would highly recommend that you ask him to take and hide any precious mementoes you might be tempted to smash.

Read the Healing Library located in the yellow box on this page. Read the other threads so you can see what you are feeling is very normal and so you can see what kind of emotions you can expect in the future.

frankiebaby posted 6/19/2013 14:17 PM

I can def relate. I found out at about the same time that you did and the worst part is watching what you thought was reality fade into something that's just horrible. I haven't been married nearly as long, and it's wrenching now. To have children, too.... **hugs***

I hope for a happy ending for you, and I do think it's better to know the truth. Don't deny any feelings that you're having. This too will pass.

justbreath posted 6/19/2013 15:36 PM

Today's been one of those sad days after last night when I was just made as he**! He's done everything I've asked, I have access to anything at anytime. The OW is single, and did I mention 14 years younger? Talk about a midlife crisis.....

Jospehine85 posted 6/19/2013 19:41 PM

The OW is single, and did I mention 14 years younger?

The age doesn't make a difference. You wouldn't feel any better if your WH threw away you and your 4 kids for the twin of Alfred E Neuman in drag who was the same age as you. I would know.

The one thing all OW have in common, if they know your WH is married, is they are broken individuals. WS have to find someone broken, because someone with healthy self-esteem would never knowingly get involved with a married person.

So when you start getting upset over the "who" he A-ed with. Remember she has at least one pretty significant personality flaw.

In most cases, you eventually find the "who" could have been any one. Usually, it is just that the AP was willing.

justbreath posted 6/19/2013 21:36 PM

Joshpenine85, you know you're right. It really doesn't matter the age of the OP, what matters is the fact the A happened in the first place. Thanks, I'm glad you posted this.

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