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Newest Member: Lovegiver (58016)

User Topic: Is it wrong???
♀ 39534
Member # 39534
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I am wondering what you all think? I want to know is it wrong to want to know exactly where he went with her? My mind is telling me I want to know but I don't know if my heart can handle anymore. I did get him to apologize to me and my plan is in effect, but I know that this marriage is over. I am just putting my ducks in a row. Part of that process for me is that I want to know everything, and I realize I may never know, but I also realize this immense jealousy I have in me keeps rearing its ugly head. Its literally driving me crazy. I know that a day will go along and I will be right back down in the pits again. I made appointments to go talk to counselor for everything. Its just not helping me now. I hate these rapid mood swings I am having over this one minute I want to cry and the next I want to punch something. I just hate this all over the place. So back to my original question, why do I feel the need to know every last detail? And do I really want to know??? Thank you all for the moral support and advice

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's no right or wrong when it comes to this topic. It's all about your feelings, and what you need.

Details can give us more of a sense of control, but they can also haunt us indefinitely. Try to figure out how much peace of mind you need right now to cope with what's happening, and draw the line when you feel comfortable.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's only human to want to know everything that was kept from us. I begged for answers and all he ever said was "I don't remember." Because we are not reconciling and I've learned to stop asking the only thing I do is check his emails because I'm not going to be left in the dark.

I think because you know your marriage is over I think you need to ask yourself if it's worth the pain for you to know and would this information help you in any way.


[This message edited by simplydevastated at 3:44 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

Me - BS, 40 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS11, DD8
Getting my ducks in a row for divorce... finally (4+ D-Days too many - listed in profile.)

Posts: 6121 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
♀ 39543
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say go slow, ask for a little at a time, and see how it feels. I wasn't sure either and ended up asking for a few details, until I felt I had what I needed. Sometimes he said he didn't remember and then I pressed a little, but if he really didn't remember (or wasn't willing to try to remember more)then I left it alone. I might still want to ask more. We are working on reconciling, so for me it's important that I can still ask if something comes up. For you it may not be.

M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 107 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
♀ 29541
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will your husband give you the information? From your other postings, it seems as if he is trying to cover up what he did as opposed to being open and honest about it.

Posts: 1343 | Registered: Sep 2010
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, it's not wrong. It's natural. But ask yourself how much do you really need to know?

Once you know something you can unknow it. And will more information make you feel better or worse? I am thinking probably the latter.

You mood swings are natural and normal. You have to feel everything or it will rear it's ugly head later. Triggers are tricky that way.

You want to know everything because you want to make sense of the this crappy infidelity hand you've been dealt. You want to logically connect the dots. You want to put the puzzle pieces together so you can understand how in the hell you got here. We all want to try to make sense out of this nonsense.

So ask questions and be kind to yourself. You will get to the point where the obsessing over the details will diminish. It takes time but it does get better.

Sorry you are here.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 2550 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

liarswife29, for me, knowing all the details was important. I needed to compare when and where he was with OW or talking with OW to what I was doing at the same time.

It helped me understand what was really behind some of his behaviors I had found bizarre and unexplainable.

I need to sort out what was really going on in my life vs what I thought was occurring.

I would think that is the same motivation you have: a search for what your reality really was.

Me - BS
WH - old
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 1569 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 39534
Member # 39534
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did get a little more information, I told him that I know that if I cant get over this we wont make it (part of the plan) I also told him that I needed him to be honest and that I would rather know. He has no idea that I am done. I will continue to let him believe this while I figure out my stuff. I know that if I tell him now, he would out maneuver me. Right now because he's working overtime to make sure I'm ok (how could I be?) I have full access to any information and money I need. I have to be smart about this. I know that he has lied and TRIED to cover it up. But I do appreciate everyone's advice WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 26893
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the marriage is over and you're putting your ducks in a row give him the "friend zone" treatment and forget about the where/what/when/why because it really doesn't matter if you're not trying to R.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
♀ 39534
Member # 39534
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My problem is I cannot stop looking at this woman's FB profile and every time I do I get upset all over again. I have enough information to call or email her if I wanted too. There is the language barrier as well. I know from looking at the emails that he had to translate them. So I know that the relationship they had is not based on conversation. He barely knows enough Spanish to converse. So that makes me sick as well. I know that he will never tell me everything I got an apology for the "goings" on but that's it. I know he wont give me any more information, he thinks its all over and done and he's moved on and I should too. I told him that I'm not there yet because he's had a whole year to absorb this I've had about 2 months. I just started a new job so hopefully that will keep my mind off all this crap, but I am definitely not on my game to absorb any more, I am however waiting for the other shoe to drop. Thank you all again for the words of encouragement,

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 39395
Member # 39395
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admit that I want to know all the details. It is just a matter of what you are need to begin the healing process. Everyone's minds are different so you just have to do what works for you. For me, it does help to put the pieces together. The weird thing is that I can't explain why, but I actually feel better to have the information I ask for.

Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 39134
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps ask him to write a detailed timeline with what information you still wonder about and put in sealed envelope.
Then you know you HAVE the information, you will be done trying to get it, and can decide later if you want to read it, when you know more how you feel.

Posts: 602 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 31558
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need whatever you need to make sense of things and if not forgive, accept what happened... whether or not you move on without him, you need to heal as much as possible now because where ever you go, you will take your unhealed parts with you.

Me: BW a youthful 51
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 58
Married 21 years
Two sons, 18 & 19 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1585 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
♂ 39583
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the same way with my WW, I need to know everything. I sometimes feel like I missed my true calling as a private investigator! Then when I learn a new detail, I think it makes it even harder to R because I have another painful visual. I can't stop asking her questions, but you can't unring the bell after you receive painful info that you then can visualize. In retrospect I probably wish I didn't have as much info as I do, even if we D those thoughts are going to haunt me for awhile

41 BH (Divorced)

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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