Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.
Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.
I know enough. I know what happened and I have set boundaries that I will keep. NC and if it happens again...goodbye.
But I 180'd the affair for the most part. It is not worth my time or energy anymore. It sucked me emotionally dry.
IMO, I don't think you ever trust 100% again but that may be a good thing. Radar is up.
We still talk occasionally about how he was feeling during the affair or how far we have come but we rarely talk about the affair.
It's 19 months post DDay. MC/IC and WWME. We have discussed it to death.
If you are ready to move on then move on.
Giving yourself a break from affair talk is certainly not rug sweeping.
Be glad that you are healed enough you feel you can step back and away from it.
What went on is definitely an EA if not PA. I've handled it as if it were PA/EA. I'm not putting on blinders and I choose to address my feelings as they come.
I know a married spouse does not interact with another COW as the way my WH did. I'm not dumb. I know there is more to our story.
As far as getting that info - I'm in limbo.
I'm just struggling to understand how healing is occurring if he's still lying to you? How is trust being rebuilt if a lie is continuing? That's for you to decide. Maybe you can trust him so long as he doesn't lie about other things besides the A? Without trust, there is no intimacy. I can't grasp how this marriage could grow to be intimate and full of trust if he's lying and denying you the truth.
I applaud your realism. It sounds like you know he isn't capable of confession. I think there is a lot to be said about accepting who someone is and what they are capable of instead of wishing/hoping for something else for months/years on end. And so you have to decide what that means for you and it sounds like that's what you're doing here. If him continuing to lie isn't a dealbreaker...then, so be it.
ETA: I realize I don't know your story, so I kind of spewed a lot that might not apply. Sorry for that, but I'll leave my response because I still think there could be truth to it.
[This message edited by RockyMtn at 8:56 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
you know what i mean?
i did this too though....so you are not alone. when i found a dirty text in my wh phone...he told me it was just sexting. when i asked for phone records, he said no...and left the house to stay with his brother. i knew he wanted to work it out, but didnt want to give me access to those records which would rveal the true extent of the affair....which was that it was way more than sexting.
he even came back with "well, why dont i just get a new phone and we can start from scratch...start knew...stop talkng about the affiar, and put this whole thing behind us...a new beginning!"
i told him to go to hell...and that i wouldnt entertain r without phone access and the full truth.
and i meant it...ready to divorce him over it.
eventually, he gave up the phone records and it revealed he had been a cheating bastard for a long time.
but i had the truth...and could decide if i waned to "move forward" based on that..not what HE decided i needed to heal from...you know what i mean?
but i was tempted...i sure was. i just wanted to "let it go" without having the truth...and i was never happy with it. maybe for a little while...but down the road....i always knew that there was something else....something really bad...too bad for him to "confess" and it would only bring me more grief not knowing.
and believe me...you will NOT be able to let it go...let alone forgive him when you dont know what happend...and the fact that he REFUSES to tell you will only make it worse.
now, knowing the details of the sexual postions may not be necessary...although some people on SI need to know it all...i understand that too....or even knowing if he cheated with 4 or 5 people....it is all bad....but not knowing the truth about the affair because HE wont tell you the turth itself is rugsweeping.....make no mistake about it.
there is no "moving on" past that.
you say you have talk it to death...but honestly, him not telling you the truth means that you are at square ONE.