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d-day and what's to follow?? Help!!

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determined2020 posted 6/18/2013 17:35 PM

Yesterday was my W d-day. She found out about A that happened about 2 years ago.

We have been together a little over 3 years. We got married on our 2 year anniversary. My A happened while we were still engaged.

Before we got married my W asked me if there was anything i needed to tell her before hand. I said no. I was so ashamed.

Back story: I have always been a cheater. I've created on every single person i was with. At those times i never felt anything. I didn't care That i was having multiple A's. I enjoyed the chase, I enjoyed the romance, but once sex came into the picture, I became uninterested and started building a new bridge.

I'm a lesbian and i have been through a lot of trauma in my mid childhood life. Physical, mental, emotional abuse because of my sexual orientation. I came out when i was In 9th grade after knowing my whole childhood i was gay. I'm now almost 30. Because of my lack of attention at home, I would hold onto anyone who would show me any kind of attention. Men and women.

I've been to therapy for my infidelity, not only for my infidelity issues but other issue going on in my life. It wasn't until after i had my A two years ago that i really started going to therapy regularly. It seemed tohelp although the guilt from my other infidelities haunted me on a daily basis. I shared this with my W and we battled through it together.

Since D-Day my W and i have come to an agreement of living arrangements. I will be staying at our home on the couch.

Our original plans were to move to Florida so i could attend school. My W now wants a divorce and to just b friends. She wants to move to Ireland for a year. She wants me to still go to school and pursue my career change and start celibate until she returns from Ireland.

I agreed to her terms because I don't want to lose her. I know what I did was wrong and I want to make our marriage work and last.

I discussed w my W that I wanted to attend more therapy. I would like to get help with my emOtional infidelities and also couples therapy.

She has little trust in me, which she has every right not to, and I'm struggling with ways to prove to her that she can trust me and I'm serious about our relationship. What can I do?

What kind of help can i get I'm the LGBT community for counseling geared toward my problem?

Someone please help?

Aubrie posted 6/18/2013 17:51 PM

Welcome to SI determined2020.

Whether you're straight, gay, bi, transgendered, you'll find great advice and support here, regardless of your orientation.

First, I'd suggest reading the Healing Library. (Yellow box to the left of your screen)

You're in IC (individual counseling) or planning on going? I suggest you speak to one that has experience with infidelity. Being a counselor doesn't automatically guarantee that they're going to be a good help or fit for you.

It's totally normal for your BS not to trust you at all. (After all, we're cheaters and liars.) So I suggest you buckle up and hang on for the ride cause it's going to take a whole lotta time and effort for you to prove you are trustworthy and a changed person.

There's a couple threads I suggest you read as well:

Again, welcome.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/18/2013 19:05 PM

Back story: I have always been a cheater. I've created on every single person i was with. At those times i never felt anything. I didn't care That i was having multiple A's. I enjoyed the chase, I enjoyed the romance, but once sex came into the picture, I became uninterested and started building a new bridge.

My sister could've written this, verbatim. You said the A was two years ago? Have you been faithful to your BW that entire time?

How did she find out?

Sorry, but I'm hearing a lot of justifications and zero remorse, and no specific reasons stating why you don't want to lose her. Your separation agreement sounds liike she's letting you down gently, and you're not indicating that you're putting up much of a fight. Are you (both) just a tiny bit relieved to have an "out" to your M? Yesterday was DDay and you've already made all these plans? Sounds like perhaps you've both been thinking about this for awhile.

determined2020 posted 6/19/2013 09:52 AM

Aubrie84, thank you so much for the encouragement. I plan on looking into every link you gave me. I am always open to reading self help books and trying to better myself.

I was in IC, but it was just general counseling, not really geared towards my problems but it was an open ear to listen and be unbiased. It did help though, however I had to stop going. Not by choice.

I do want to get into individual specific for infidelity. I have to start looking in the Orlando Florida area. My W said she found SA therapy that includes IC and group therapy as well. I don't think I have SA necessarily but any bit of help I can get I'm open to.

20Wrongs: My W discovered the A while it was going on. She didn't know full details until this past week.

I don't want to lose my W bc I know she is the one for me. I have had these struggles my entire life and when me and my W first met it just hit me like a wall. It was one of those moments like "this is the person I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life".

I know the hurt that I have caused other people to feel and this was definitely something I did not want my W to feel. I feel like a lot of my actions carried over into our relationship. I feel that when we met I was not fully prepared for the commitment as far as keeping myself out of harms way and allowing myself to still let people in when I shouldnt have.

Neither of us are looking for a way out. My W is extremely hurt but she is also the kind of person that needs plans set. That is why we came to an agreement so fast. It didn't help that during the last month I was away. So that really made everything worse. The distance and just the emotional pain really devoured everything else.

The only thing I can think of is how important she really is to me. I never cared before when I cheated on people and I really hate myself for doing this to her.

I want to do everything I possibly can to make this better. I don't care if i need to work until my last breath. I will make this right. I am determined, hence my username. I will not give up on my W or our marriage at any cost.

Aubrie posted 6/19/2013 10:30 AM

Haaaang on a second. Slow down. I'm glad you are confident and determined to work on yourself. Here's the thing though. You were unhealthy before meeting your BS correct?

I will not give up on my W or our marriage at any cost.
She may give up on you. She may decide that the pain isn't worth it. Then what? Where will that put you?

Are you wanting to change for her and the marriage? Or because of a genuine desire to be healthy?

You need to really think about that. So many WS come here and they're all gung-ho determined to win back their BS and be an awesome partner in life. And that's swell. But life isn't always that easy. The BS just can't take the pain. They decide that the A was a dealbreaker. They leave the relationship. Then the WS is standing there saying, "Well WTF? Screw it. I'm just going to live my life however. I can find happiness again."

They enter a new relationship. And history will most assuredly repeat itself. Why? Because the WS never fully delved into and fixed the problems within themselves to begin with. They did it conditionally. They did it to keep the BS and the M.

You need to think about working on you for you. Because you want to be healthy, whether your BS is there or not. And yes, it's a super scary thought. But I assure you, it's worth it.

determined2020 posted 6/19/2013 14:16 PM

No its definitely about me. I have been like this for so long and I don't want to live my life like this anymore. I know I am a better person then how I am acting.

My W hasn't given up on us. She is still very much in shock but we are handling it together. I have been actively looking at the articles I was provided. It was my W idea for me to come on this site and I'm really happy with the advice ive gotten and advice she has gotten.

We are doing this together. and yes I need to work harder then her, OBVIOUSLY, and I need the help, NOT HER. I got all that.

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