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If your stbx does not want to divorce...

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OnceInALifetime posted 6/18/2013 22:07 PM

All too often the spouse that wants the divorce gets shafted in the settlement. Why?

1) You feel guilty for leaving your spouse. Yes, you were cheated upon, but nevertheless it's hard to instantly stop caring for their emotional well-being. So, you're prone to being overly generous in the settlement.

2) Even though they cheated, they feel that your leaving is the ultimate rejection, and are offended/hurt/etc. Feelings of entitlement can take hold easily under those circumstances.

3) You want to just get it over with as quickly as possible, and make concessions in order to do so. It takes so much will power and resolve to get the divorce process started (when your spouse doesn't want it), that by the time negotiations start, you're completely worn out.

I think it's near impossible not to fall into these emotional traps and end up getting screwed over, but just in case it helps...

I'd add that although moving out during the divorce process has its own set of disadvantages (costly, and risky in some ways), doing so might make it easier to disentangle from those emotional issues that can wreak havoc on your settlement.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 10:09 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 6/18/2013 22:48 PM

I think #2 is coming into play in my divorce process. I am being completely shafted. I didn't leave, but I did file & kicked him out of the house. I am at this point destitute and scared to death.

nutmegkitty posted 6/19/2013 05:18 AM

Yeah, I can see now how 2 and 3 came into play for me. I kinda wish my attorney had looked out a little better for me in that regard.

stronger08 posted 6/19/2013 05:51 AM

Personally #2 was valid in my case. My XWW acted like I was the one who destroyed the M. She made up so many stories of why we were D'ing that she could not keep up with them. I constantly reminded her the real reasons. It was therapeutic to keep my eyes on the reason. I actually went the other way and wanted my pound of flesh. That lasted a few months till my attorney talked some sense into me. The whole process needs to be treated like a business transaction. Offer, decline, counter offer etc. Eventually I have to concede some $$$ up front but I saved big time on the back end. I was able to walk away debt free after the home was sold.

Don't fall into these types of traps. Don't be in a rush to finalize. Let you attorney earn his fee. Keep in mind the law is the law. And in my case don't use the process as a way to extract revenge. Once I was able to remove emotion from the equation things moved on rather quickly and smoothly. Think with your brain and not your heart. The worst business decisions are made under emotional duress. I also benefited from IC during the latter part of the D. It really helped me keep my eye on the task at hand. Good luck my friend.

Sad in AZ posted 6/19/2013 06:51 AM

It worked both ways for me. The X didn't want to D at first--he wanted a wife and a gf However, as things wore on, we had a few standoffs:

He was furious about the possibility of paying spousal support--threatened to run off to Mexico (oh, and he doesn't speak any Spanish...) I decided to forego not because I felt bad but because I didn't want to be tied to him for the rest of my life (we had been M 33 years.)

I left the marital home; he felt bad, so he paid me $350 every month until I found a job (I was living with my mom.) The small amount helped me continue to put gas in my car and go for interviews; he continued until I got my first paycheck.

He fought me on the values of one of his motorcycles; it's very limited edition Harley. It's worth over $20,000 for intrinsic value, but book value is only $8000. Also, rather than pay me for 1/2 the value of his two post-marriage Harleys, he wanted to give me one--I don't ride and it would have been difficult for me to sell. He finally gave up and paid me; I'm taking monthly payments.

OnceInALifetime posted 6/19/2013 07:35 AM

I kinda wish my attorney had looked out a little better for me

Yes, me too. Looking back, I think my attorney mainly represented lesser-earning spouses, and was not conditioned to fight for the rights of the main bread-winner. And she let my over-generosity go without questioning me on any of it.

XW's attorney played hard-ball and fought for every little thing.

My attorney retired the year after my divorce. I think she was worn out and just going through the motions when she was handling my case.

She made up so many stories of why we were D'ing that she could not keep up with them

He was furious about the possibility of paying spousal support--threatened to run off to Mexico (oh, and he doesn't speak any Spanish...)

Williesmom posted 6/19/2013 08:30 AM

I was afraid of my wxh getting that entitled feeling, when I had supported him for the prior 5 years.

I went with the "shock and awe" approach. I took advantage of his feelings of guilt before he had a chance to really think about what he was signing.

When he came out of his stupor a couple of months later, he couldn't believe that I wasn't willing to play nice. He still tells people that I'm the one that ended the marriage.

Just because I filed doesn't mean that I ended it, you idiot.

I also just wanted it to be over with, but I totally had the end goal of getting all of the stuff in mind. He didn't join the game until it was too late.

Ashland13 posted 6/19/2013 09:42 AM

Yes, It's #2 here and not so much #1 anymore.

Perv made all his own choices and had to have ideas for what would likely happen, so I'm finally getting to a point of "T.S." for him. He didn't think of us when he started sneaking out at night and all the things he did later, you know?

And from what I hear, where he went where OW lives is rather fancy, so while we count chips and berries to get through a week of eating, he is off doing who knows what.

He has the entitlement but doesn't feel rejected because he thinks Ow is "all that" because she'll sleep and open her house to a married guy with no job and a pregnant wife. He gets off on that, so I'm not too worried about him getting any kind of shaft-and in fact, he's trying to screw me out of money and rights!!!

I know what you mean about the moving out process, it's been a battle.

Actually, I'm getting ready to go to "mediation" as we type...uggh. I don't know the point when he undoes it by not following what is set out!

I like the ideas here, Lifetime.

Ashland13 posted 6/19/2013 09:43 AM

And yes, Ex didn't want to D for a long while and remained at OW's while we suffered alone, not knowing a damn thing-that was part of what pushed me towards the decision-and not wanting to be found in the woods by a sheriff all alone or be "defendant" on the papers when I didn't do anything!

lieshurt posted 6/19/2013 09:47 AM

Personally #2 was valid in my case. My XWW acted like I was the one who destroyed the M.


Same for me. My exwh was aghast that I'd actually divorce him. How dare I do this to him and destroy our family...yeah, further proof that my ex is nuts.

7yrsflushed posted 6/19/2013 09:49 AM

I went with the "shock and awe" approach. I took advantage of his feelings of guilt before he had a chance to really think about what he was signing.

This was me as well. I lucked out and filed while STBXW was feeling the guilt. Meant the Property settlement agreement went the way I wanted and had everything we had agreed to uprfont in it. It helped that my L shut me down pretty quickly when I fell squarely under #1 as described by OIAL. If they don't ask you don't give. I could alwyas provide more afterwards if I wanted just don't put it in a signed agreement.

Rainbows posted 6/19/2013 18:07 PM

I'm still early in the process, but he has been very clear that he only wants to separate.

So far, I can easily see falling into any of those traps. I do have a couple of close friends keeping me in check. They constantly remind me that as a human, there are things I am entitled to under the law. Sometimes I've felt like less than one in my marriage.

I've been advised to stay in our home so we still live together, albeit separately. I agree that moving would make the emotional piece easier, but have learned that headphones and good music makes a world of difference.

tryingagain74 posted 6/19/2013 21:01 PM

3) You want to just get it over with as quickly as possible, and make concessions in order to do so. It takes so much will power and resolve to get the divorce process started (when your spouse doesn't want it), that by the time negotiations start, you're completely worn out.

This was definitely me. I wanted out so badly, and I also wanted out in a way that would tie our futures together as little as possible. I didn't want him to have half of my retirement, so I didn't go after his. I also accepted a lump sum toward spousal support instead of insisting on years of it because I didn't want to have to rely on him for any more money than necessary. My loved ones felt that I got screwed over in many ways and should have gone after more, but I was willing to pay a price for my freedom. I guess that's a way for people new to the D/S situation to look at things-- how badly do you want something, and what are you willing to give up for it?

brokenandconfuse posted 6/20/2013 10:49 AM

So, why is it that they cheat and then don't want D? Oh, but I always loved you and you are ruining our kids life and our marriage. Why won't you try to let me show you how much I love you. I never left you, because I loved you.

I have the papers ready, but just can't seem to take that leap and file. H has my head confused.

nutmegkitty posted 6/20/2013 11:52 AM

The X didn't want to D at first--he wanted a wife and a gf

Same here!!

On what fucking planet did he think this would be ok with me?

OnceInALifetime posted 6/20/2013 11:58 AM

On what fucking planet did he think this would be ok with me?

The "fucking" planet, of course

ButterflyGirl posted 6/20/2013 12:01 PM

he wanted a wife and a gf

On what fucking planet did he think this would be ok with me?

The planet filled with stupid OW whores.. The OW was okay with it, so why wouldn't you be?? I mean, she knew there was two of you, why can't you be more like her?? You mean you think you deserve better? You deserve someone faithful to you? Like I have to choose? I can only have one of you?? How dare you have any self-esteem..

Nature_Girl posted 6/20/2013 12:39 PM

So, why is it that they cheat and then don't want D?

I don't understand that part either. Mine cheated, had pretty much always cheated in one form or another. Made sure to let me know I disgusted him & repulsed him. Made sure to let me know that I'd ruined his life & he'd never forgive me. Made sure to let me know that he did NOT love me at all in any way.

Okay then. Message received. So then when it comes time that I can't take it any longer & divorce you? Why fight it? Why drag it out all this time? Why continue to abuse me legally & financially? Why not just get it over with? Isn't this what you wanted?

Reality posted 6/20/2013 13:13 PM

It's about control. The NPD subspecies label things around them as theirs, like they're metaphysically marking territory, like a dog.

When one of their significant possessions starts getting all uppity with insisting on being treated as animate, they get vicious pretty quick.

I "niced" my way through the divorce, thinking he'd lose interest once he didn't have me to facilitate all the more difficult parts of life: bills, mortgages, kids, etc. I was a SAHM, too, and found a crappy job that at least had flexible hours and allowed us to eat and keep our house.

Freedom with no money still feels a heck of a lot better than money in a cage.

OnceInALifetime posted 6/20/2013 13:28 PM

The NPD subspecies label things around them as theirs, like they're metaphysically marking territory

Why do I hear Marlin Perkins' voice in my head?

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