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it's 230am and he's not home

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scangel3 posted 6/19/2013 04:45 AM

Ugh, how can he leave and be gone all night knowing what I'll think? I know where he is, well I knew where he was going, but that was at 9 pm(at my parents house, checking on the cat since they're out of town), he got mad at me because he couldn't finish watching the basketball game since I had two things taping on our DVR, he yelled threw a little temper tantrum, then left telling the kids he was going to grandma's to check on the cat, but wouldn't let them go with him. I can assume he fell asleep but with our past and how's he's been acting lately (basically pulling the 180 on me, snapping when I ask him why he was in the bathroom so long with his phone, really being an ass the past week) I do wonder and trigger and am just hurt. I know I just started the 180 yesterday (see previous post) and I shouldn't care where he is or what he's doing but I'm not to that point yet and won't be if and until we are D'd.

I'm just hurt and wondering what he is doing? I want to Leave with my kids for a couple days but have no money for gas let alone a hotel to get there, so I'm stuck.

Since I'm doing the 180 and wanting to do it right, do I just ignore that he basically disappeared, or do I confront him, knowing I'm not going to get anything out of him other then that he fell asleep?

ETA: what I really want to do is take my kids to the beach for one or two nights (even though its suppose to be rainy and cold) and not tell him where I'm going. Let him simmer in his own mess for awhile. But like I said above no money, so we're stuck! And my anxiety would never let me follow thru with that option.

[This message edited by scangel3 at 4:49 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

crazynot posted 6/19/2013 04:56 AM

Seriously, Scangel. I've just read your profile and this post. You must protect yourself. This man will drag you down. He's giving you all the signals that he's cheating again. Don't let this happen. I understand exactly how you feel about ending the marriage, I did too, but I really think the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to take control here, ask him not to bother coming home (send him a text then switch your phone off), and see a lawyer in the morning. You say he is your 'best friend'. This is not how a friend acts. There are others who will be your friends.

CatchyUsername posted 6/19/2013 05:47 AM

Scangel wow I would be going insane. Did he ever come home. I can't give 180 advice... but how about a hug? :)

heartache101 posted 6/19/2013 06:17 AM


Me I would leave him with the kids and take off for a few hours.

He gets paid on Friday right?? Is he off for the weekend??? If so leave him with the children. Just take off just you. You need some time alone an he obviously needs to learn some responsibility! He can watch the kiddos.. He can worry about where you are!!

[This message edited by heartache101 at 6:17 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

stillhere09 posted 6/19/2013 06:18 AM

180 or not, I would call your parents house or go over there and see if he's there. I would want to know and I would want to make it so that he can't lie about it. Then document it.

I'm all for 180, but a true 180 means a mindset of truly not caring what he does or where he is because you are focused on a new life for yourself and the kids only. You don't have that mindset yet. Until you do, you will go crazy every time you know he's out cheating - and you do know that he is, proof or no proof. I wish I had a method to make the cheating and the lies stop for you, but I don't. There's no way you can control that. So the best thing to do is to stop caring and set your mind on your wonderful kids and what a wonderful future you will make for yourself without him in it. This terrible anxiety-ridden night will be one thing that you will never have to experience again once he is out of your life. You deserve to be free of that, and so do the kids. Hugs to you - I've gone through countless such nights more times than I can count. The best move I made was to leave it all behind and let him wonder about me.

Focus - That's the key. Change your focus from him to you. Perhaps knowing about even more of his escapades will get you to the point of no longer caring, and then you can successfully 180.

In my experience, even though I finally reached a point where I truly no longer wanted him in my life, it still got to me when I knew he was out cheating. At that point, I didn't want him, but it got to me that he could be such an ass to me, just the same. I was just able to shrug it off and keep busy with other things so that I didn't think about him. It was only when I left him for good that I was really happy.

I think I can posted 6/19/2013 07:50 AM

I feel like you are wanting to leave not to get away, but to provoke a response from him. That's not the 180. If you are not going to leave him, then the 180 will help you start living your life despite him.

m334455 posted 6/19/2013 08:50 AM

Why be reactive or passive aggressive at all?

He's acting like a spoiled teenager. What kind of grown man stomps off in a huff over the DVR? Even my 11 year old does better than that!

It doesn't matter where he was, when you choose to be married and a parent, you also choose not to do this shit.

I'd say calmly tell him that his behavior is unacceptable to you. Period. You don't have to give him a consequence, he's a grown man, but you do need to treat yourself well, which certainly includes not letting others treat you poorly.

Think of if you were your best friend or daughter, what would you want for her?

Oh, and trust me, it's 99.9% a lock that he's cheating again. Just such classic behavior. You don't even need to bother about wondering on that one.

ReunitePangea posted 6/19/2013 11:17 AM

Maybe this is just a guy's perspective but how passionate is he about basketball? Now I could take or leave a basketball game but I do have my favorite sport / team and if they were playing for a championship game I would not be too happy if my wife was taping 2 shows preventing me from being able to watch something that I was passionate about. I would find that somewhat rude actually. Now I wouldn't throw a temper tantrum, I would simply ask my wife which show she would like to cancel taping. If she refused I would find that further her being rude and I would just go somewhere else to watch the game. Again, I am qualifying my answer as this would be for my favorite sport/sports team playing for a championship. Now if your WH could take or leave a basketball game the same rules do not apply.

Just giving a guys sports fan point of view.

scangel3 posted 6/19/2013 11:26 AM

Thanks everyone, he took the only key with him when he went to check on the cat, so I couldn't go over there. He did come home sometime this morning (not sure when) to get ready for work. I only know because he let the dog out. I text him last night that he didn't need to bother coming back to my house, and should stay at my parents until he figures something else out. No response at all. Which i'm not all that surprised after the way he's been acting lately.

I can't find any proof that he's cheating again, but I know something is going on. I don't know if I want to see proof this time, except so that he can't lie to me (even though he'll still try).

I know the taking my kids for as night or two would be to punish WH, I just want him to feel a small amount of what I felt last night. I won't go through with it, for one because we don't have the money. And no he doesn't have this weekend off, well not Saturday at least, and Sunday were (me and the kids) are busy with church stuff most of the day.

Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it

scangel3 posted 6/19/2013 11:32 AM

Reunite, he's a sports fan, if he was a bachelor he would watch every game possible. The whole Tuesday thing happens all the time, and sometimes not just my shows, and in the past he would ask me if we could delete one of them and unless it was a season finale I would. And last night I would have done just that, all he would have had to do was ask. Usually he doesn't have to ask, but his little fit threw me off and I didn't think about that option until he left.

[This message edited by scangel3 at 11:33 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

ReunitePangea posted 6/19/2013 12:06 PM

I hope my post didn't offend at all, I just wanted to give you a different perspective.

Based on your WH behaviour, I do sense a bit of conflict avoidance is part of his problem. If this happens often on Tuesday nights, he should have anticipated the problem, discussed it with you and came to a resolution before having to throw a temper tantrum over it.

I am no expert at the 180, I read it after DDay for me and decided it didn't fit my situation so I didn't do it. I do struggle with how the 180 is supposed to help when conflict avoidance is part of the issues. For the conflict avoiding WS it just seems to me that they would welcome the 180 and the problems just continue. Again, I didn't do the 180 so maybe I am missing how it is supposed to help with conflict avoidance.

As a side note, your whole story made me realize that often my WW would go out on Monday nights (likely doing you know what) while taping 2 shows at home on the DVR. I would take care of the kids, get them to bed and all and look to rest watching some TV when done only to not be able to. Ugh, sorry, that is why I felt the need to express the other side of dealing with 2 taping shows problem.

WhatsRight posted 6/19/2013 12:12 PM

For the conflict avoiding WS it just seems to me that they would welcome the 180 and the problems just continue.

For what its worth, this is SOOOOOOOO true! My husband loved it when I did the 180. That meant not having to deal with anything confrontational at all.

Sorry about the t/j.

scangel3 posted 6/19/2013 12:36 PM

Reunite, your post didn't offend me, I understand that side of it, I really do. The reaction is the problem i'm having, the staying away all night and not making any kind of contact.

I can see your point of the 180, I have thought about that too. But what I get from others posts and the info in the healing library, the 180 is to help you gain strength on your own. Not to let them off the hook. And that's something I need right now. If we decide later (and i'm finding that harder to see now) to R, I will be stronger for myself maybe not so Co-dependent (with help from some books as well as the 180), and he wont be off the hook for his A(s), we'll still have to deal with them, therefore not avoiding them, IF I decide down the road to R, which again is not where my thoughts are right now!

philly172 posted 6/19/2013 15:08 PM

Just wanted to play semi devils advocate..

I can sort of understand your WH getting upset as last nights game was HUGE. I am a huge sports fan & would have probably become upset if I couldn't watch a big game due to a DVR conflict.

BUT...he shouldn't have stormed out & acted childish & more importantly he should have told you where he was going & should have apologized when he did come home... he is totally wrong!!

I think there is more than a DVR conflict going on & like you said, you would have deleted but he didn't give you that option before storming out

scangel3 posted 6/19/2013 19:35 PM

Philly, I see that side, I really do. And I felt bad for a little while after he left. But then he stayed gone and now I'm pissed! Staying away all night is NOT an appropriate answer to missing part of a game, when he really didn't have to.

But I know that's not what your post said, and I do see that side of it.

wtf2 posted 6/19/2013 19:44 PM

He didn't take the kids with him to feed the cat, because he had this all planned out. He knew what he was going to do, and so the kids can't come with him for that. You don't just walk into a house, feed a dog, and then drop down sleeping unless you have narcolepsy. Please save yourself, and move on with your life.

Kalliopeia posted 6/19/2013 19:49 PM

Inconsiderate behaviors often go both ways.

scangel3 posted 6/19/2013 23:39 PM

Kalliopeia, what does that mean?

And just an update he finally came home at 530 tonight, I had somewhere to be at 6 that was planned 2 Weeks ago, I didn't think he would show to watch the kids, but he did not saying a thing until finally saying "hi". I didn't respond just got ready to go and left. Now i'm home and he's acting like nothing happened. I did ask him why he was gone all night? He says he fell asleep, and he did nothing wrong so he had no reason to apologize.

I'm keeping quiet, kids and finances, only. I had the slip when I asked him about last night, but am back to doing this for me. I want to be happy, loved and cherished, and I don't see any of that in my future with him.

scangel3 posted 6/21/2013 13:45 PM

He is still acting like nothing happened, like everything is back to normal. But it's not, I'm still doing the 180, I guess not good enough, but he doesn't see anything different. He never did apologize for being gone all night, although I didn't expect him to. I guess he still believes he did nothing wrong, whatever I don't care anymore!

Reality posted 6/21/2013 13:56 PM

It can take awhile for them to see the 180 isn't just "being mad" but truly disconnecting from them.

Most of them have been doing such destructive things, that they're used to having their spouses/SO upset with them. So when you start the 180, they think it's just the same old thing. Which it isn't.

When they do start to understand you are not emotionally accessible, most of them freak out: anger, panic, remorse, accusations of abandonment.

Give it time, Scangel. <3

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