I'm just hurt and wondering what he is doing? I want to Leave with my kids for a couple days but have no money for gas let alone a hotel to get there, so I'm stuck.
Since I'm doing the 180 and wanting to do it right, do I just ignore that he basically disappeared, or do I confront him, knowing I'm not going to get anything out of him other then that he fell asleep?
ETA: what I really want to do is take my kids to the beach for one or two nights (even though its suppose to be rainy and cold) and not tell him where I'm going. Let him simmer in his own mess for awhile. But like I said above no money, so we're stuck! And my anxiety would never let me follow thru with that option.
[This message edited by scangel3 at 4:49 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
Me I would leave him with the kids and take off for a few hours.
He gets paid on Friday right?? Is he off for the weekend??? If so leave him with the children. Just take off just you. You need some time alone an he obviously needs to learn some responsibility! He can watch the kiddos.. He can worry about where you are!!
[This message edited by heartache101 at 6:17 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]
I'm all for 180, but a true 180 means a mindset of truly not caring what he does or where he is because you are focused on a new life for yourself and the kids only. You don't have that mindset yet. Until you do, you will go crazy every time you know he's out cheating - and you do know that he is, proof or no proof. I wish I had a method to make the cheating and the lies stop for you, but I don't. There's no way you can control that. So the best thing to do is to stop caring and set your mind on your wonderful kids and what a wonderful future you will make for yourself without him in it. This terrible anxiety-ridden night will be one thing that you will never have to experience again once he is out of your life. You deserve to be free of that, and so do the kids. Hugs to you - I've gone through countless such nights more times than I can count. The best move I made was to leave it all behind and let him wonder about me.
Focus - That's the key. Change your focus from him to you. Perhaps knowing about even more of his escapades will get you to the point of no longer caring, and then you can successfully 180.
In my experience, even though I finally reached a point where I truly no longer wanted him in my life, it still got to me when I knew he was out cheating. At that point, I didn't want him, but it got to me that he could be such an ass to me, just the same. I was just able to shrug it off and keep busy with other things so that I didn't think about him. It was only when I left him for good that I was really happy.
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
He's acting like a spoiled teenager. What kind of grown man stomps off in a huff over the DVR? Even my 11 year old does better than that!
It doesn't matter where he was, when you choose to be married and a parent, you also choose not to do this shit.
I'd say calmly tell him that his behavior is unacceptable to you. Period. You don't have to give him a consequence, he's a grown man, but you do need to treat yourself well, which certainly includes not letting others treat you poorly.
Think of if you were your best friend or daughter, what would you want for her?
Oh, and trust me, it's 99.9% a lock that he's cheating again. Just such classic behavior. You don't even need to bother about wondering on that one.
Just giving a guys sports fan point of view.
I can't find any proof that he's cheating again, but I know something is going on. I don't know if I want to see proof this time, except so that he can't lie to me (even though he'll still try).
I know the taking my kids for as night or two would be to punish WH, I just want him to feel a small amount of what I felt last night. I won't go through with it, for one because we don't have the money. And no he doesn't have this weekend off, well not Saturday at least, and Sunday were (me and the kids) are busy with church stuff most of the day.
Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it
[This message edited by scangel3 at 11:33 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]
Based on your WH behaviour, I do sense a bit of conflict avoidance is part of his problem. If this happens often on Tuesday nights, he should have anticipated the problem, discussed it with you and came to a resolution before having to throw a temper tantrum over it.
I am no expert at the 180, I read it after DDay for me and decided it didn't fit my situation so I didn't do it. I do struggle with how the 180 is supposed to help when conflict avoidance is part of the issues. For the conflict avoiding WS it just seems to me that they would welcome the 180 and the problems just continue. Again, I didn't do the 180 so maybe I am missing how it is supposed to help with conflict avoidance.
As a side note, your whole story made me realize that often my WW would go out on Monday nights (likely doing you know what) while taping 2 shows at home on the DVR. I would take care of the kids, get them to bed and all and look to rest watching some TV when done only to not be able to. Ugh, sorry, that is why I felt the need to express the other side of dealing with 2 taping shows problem.
For the conflict avoiding WS it just seems to me that they would welcome the 180 and the problems just continue.
For what its worth, this is SOOOOOOOO true! My husband loved it when I did the 180. That meant not having to deal with anything confrontational at all.
Sorry about the t/j.
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
I can see your point of the 180, I have thought about that too. But what I get from others posts and the info in the healing library, the 180 is to help you gain strength on your own. Not to let them off the hook. And that's something I need right now. If we decide later (and i'm finding that harder to see now) to R, I will be stronger for myself maybe not so Co-dependent (with help from some books as well as the 180), and he wont be off the hook for his A(s), we'll still have to deal with them, therefore not avoiding them, IF I decide down the road to R, which again is not where my thoughts are right now!
I can sort of understand your WH getting upset as last nights game was HUGE. I am a huge sports fan & would have probably become upset if I couldn't watch a big game due to a DVR conflict.
BUT...he shouldn't have stormed out & acted childish & more importantly he should have told you where he was going & should have apologized when he did come home... he is totally wrong!!
I think there is more than a DVR conflict going on & like you said, you would have deleted but he didn't give you that option before storming out
But I know that's not what your post said, and I do see that side of it.
And just an update he finally came home at 530 tonight, I had somewhere to be at 6 that was planned 2 Weeks ago, I didn't think he would show to watch the kids, but he did not saying a thing until finally saying "hi". I didn't respond just got ready to go and left. Now i'm home and he's acting like nothing happened. I did ask him why he was gone all night? He says he fell asleep, and he did nothing wrong so he had no reason to apologize.
I'm keeping quiet, kids and finances, only. I had the slip when I asked him about last night, but am back to doing this for me. I want to be happy, loved and cherished, and I don't see any of that in my future with him.
Most of them have been doing such destructive things, that they're used to having their spouses/SO upset with them. So when you start the 180, they think it's just the same old thing. Which it isn't.
When they do start to understand you are not emotionally accessible, most of them freak out: anger, panic, remorse, accusations of abandonment.
Give it time, Scangel. <3