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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: Am I overreacting??
jennrnua
♀ 39596
Member # 39596
Shocked  Posted: 7:38 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick background: been with H 13 yrs, married 8. 2 children together: 3 & 5 y.o. and his two from 1st marriage: 14 & 18 y.o. No history of infidelity, not a perfect marriage but better than most. Been rough since January (deaths in family/5 y.o. having heart surgery, bills etc.) I probably would've handled it better if I had been able to talk to my H but he was never able to talk at work & he was always so tired that by the time we got the kids to bed, he was asleep. He finally went our doctor & his testosterone was VERY low. So I thought the moodiness, tiredness, lack of sexual interest, would be resolved. And it was at first but then the moodiness and lack of sex returned. His levels dropped down again so he switched medications & it seemed to help. He started an employer paid, 3 month, "get in shape" program on 6/1. Starting that day, he began texting a female coworker. I don't have an issue w/that, never have, I'm not the jealous type. My instincts took over on 6/5 when he was showing me pics from work on his phone & a text came through from this coworker. A flag would've never raised if he hadn't told me a couple Hrs later that he'd decided to increase from 3dy/week at the gym to 5dy/week. It angered me b/c we agreed on 3dy/week. The next night I got his phone while he was asleep and found 125 texts b/w him and this female coworker, pretty much harmless except for one text where he said "b/c of you I will be going to the gym 5 days a week now, since u want me going on Tuesdays with you, I might as well go on Thursdays too." He told me he wanted to go more to "get in better shape." The remainder of the texts talked about the gym, work etc. So we had a talk about it. He didn't get angry. He said I was taking it wrong & that he had changed his mind about going more, he was sticking to 3 days a week. Something just didn't feel right about it. He text her once the next day and none since. I used spotlight search on his phone & couldn't find any more texts. I don't have access to the bill, we are on family plan through his mom. The longer I thought about it: the lack of sex, emotional distance, moodiness, texts to coworker; the more I convinced myself he had a thing for this girl so I blew up. Told him I didn't trust anymore b/c he lied about why he wanted to go to the gym more. He insisted I was wrong and apologized for hurting my feelings. He has been much attentive, wanting sex everyday now, calling and texting me ALL the time now. Did I really take that the wrong way?? If I did then why did he stop talking to her if she was "just a friend?" I don't have "proof" just a feeling.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not overreacting.

Start looking for another cell phone. Look everywhere..in his truck..in the garage..in the bathroom..everywhere.

I see so many red flags in what you have posted..it also sounds like it's gone underground.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree about the secret cell phone.

How did his first marriage end?


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2008
callmecrazy
♀ 38765
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can get the phone records and... He should get the phone records.
There is a good chance you caught this before it got out of hand (like maybe they were just starting to get past an initial flirtation and attraction and moving closer to an PA from an EA)If so, it could be why he changed into such an attentive H, it may have scared him enough to turn it around and help him see he was running from you instead of to you.

I hope that is the case.

However, its obvious that the strain you two have been under is causing some issues for him to suddenly seek companionship from this OW. That needs addressed. And as others have said, keep your red flag flying and watch for signs in case it was already a relationship and he is hiding it now that he knows you no longer give him blind trust. The fact that he obviously is lessening the issue of what was going on (he was at a minimum happily enjoying the attention from this other woman and willing to take away your time to be w her "at the gym")means you cannot trust him 100%. It could be he is embarrassed, but even with that, time to be a man testosterone or not.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also..stop asking him anything..the more you ask..the further underground her will go.

Put a keylogger on his computer(as long as it's not work issued)..and a VAR in his car. You can get a VAR(voice activated recorder) at walmart,Best Buy,etc.

Hide your internet history when it comes to SI..so he doesn't know you're still suspicious.

Im so sorry. Try to stay calm. It is possible he was on the slippery slope into an affair,since it seems you caught this so quickly..but if my gut is right,he's bought another phone(or she gave him one),and he is off the slope and knee deep in an A.

((((jennrnua))))

If it were me,I would go to my MIL's house and ask her point blank if you can see the online bill...make up an excuse..tell her you forgot a number and you need to return a call or something...if you see proof,c/p it all and send it to an email account that only you have the password to.

You are not wrong. Your WH is acting suspicious as hell..and he lied to you...if this was innocent he wouldn't have lied...so him telling you that you are wrong is bullshit. HE is wrong.


His stepping up the attention and showering you with love all of a sudden is classic behavior..he is trying to distract you and/or manipulate you.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
jennrnua
♀ 39596
Member # 39596
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will admit that I wasn't exactly going out of my way to "get his attention." It was like we just stopped talking about anything personal. He has a work cell phone but it has very low minutes (100 I think) its used mainly as a two way radio (H is a cop/paramedic.) His mom wont have an issue showing me the bill when it comes in but that requires waiting til July. In our talks, he has said he felt like I didn't care anymore & that I never wanted sex. I explained itwas the exact opposite and he has done a 180 BUT I can't get over the feeling that he was in the early stages of an EA even if he didn't realize it and everytime I have that thought, I experience pain that I can't put into words.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2013
jennrnua
♀ 39596
Member # 39596
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First wife wanted divorce, he didn't. She was 3 months pregnant with their 14y.o. She says it was b/c he blew too much on "toys" for himself. So, I control our finances. He doesnt even have a checkbook. I don't think he could have a secret. Phone, he doesn't have the money to pay for it.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jenn, he can buy a secret cell phone for $15, and he can pay as little as $5 a month for text messaging on it. They aren't expensive at all.... he could just forfeit lunch for 3 days and pay for the phone and the monthly service.

I would definitely keep watching this and check out things more. It doesn't sound right. Who told you that's how his first marriage ended? If it was him, it sounds quite far fetched that a pregnant woman would leave her husband because he spends too much money... it's not exactly an opportune time to leave.

And lastly, cops/paramedics have a very high infidelity rate as a profession. I hate to say it, but it's true. Watch carefully!


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would bet the farm that he has another phone. I don't think things end that smoothly. I hope I'm wrong but 125 texts to nada.? Look for it. My ws had his wrapped in a bunch of papers in his truck. Look for a charger and search his vehicle or wherever he spends a lot of time by himself...garage, mancave??


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5276 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, Jennrnua, but there are a LOT of red flags in your post.

Tell your H that you want to start going to the gym with him - see what his reaction is. I bet he gives you a dozen different excuses as to why you can't.

I agree that you shouldn't ask him about it anymore. Go into detective mode and keep what you find to yourself for now.
FWIW, my XWH bought a secret cell phone too. He kept his hidden in the spare tire well under the "mat" in the trunk (along with some porn and a couple of empty wine bottles from the last tryst, I suppose).


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6741 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Check under the mattress (between the boxspring and mattress) of your bed and check your kids' rooms too.
XWH had a few hiding places for things he knew I hated (porn stash in particular, but I also found notes and other trophies from OW).


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6741 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
MartlArts
♀ 36130
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jenn,

You are not overreacting. However, I do not necessarily think that your H is actively still in an A gone underground. It is possible that you your instincts were well-timed and caught him on the brink. I know for a fact that does sometimes happen, not just saying that from rose-colored glasses.

A common saying here is "trust, but verify". For your own piece of mind, looking for a possible extra phone or employing a VAR will help you know what you're dealing with. I hope for your sake that your H got scared and recognized the dangerous slope he was on. Either way, knowing is better than wondering.


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
Lalagirl
♀ 14576
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not necessarily think that your H is actively still in an A gone underground. It is possible that you your instincts were well-timed and caught him on the brink. I know for a fact that does sometimes happen, not just saying that from rose-colored glasses.

Agreed. BUT - he clearly has boundary issues.

My FWH was "busted" with tons of cell phone calls with EA w/OW#1 - as soon as I busted him, it was immediate NC and I have solid proof.

BUT...he had another EA - with a "friend" - started as simple friendship (both of us were friends with xOW) - but because of his poor boundaries, it became an EA.

Your H may have been stopped from THIS slippery slope, but IMO, he may need IC/MC to figure out WHY he is not enforcing healthy boundaries.

Another big fat red flag - he's never mentioned her to you and he's texting like all get out.

A common saying here is "trust, but verify". For your own piece of mind, looking for a possible extra phone or employing a VAR will help you know what you're dealing with. I hope for your sake that your H got scared and recognized the dangerous slope he was on. Either way, knowing is better than wondering.

I agree with this as well. Keep your guard up and never reveal your sources.

((((HUGS))))

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 11:46 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,2yo GD & 3 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5173 | Registered: May 2007
Josephine01
♀ 38511
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your instincts are dead on, if he isn't having an affair he soon will. I felt as you do, that i trusted my H and perhaps I am over reacting. No, I wasn't. There was a time when I thought that I was blaming 2 innocent people. I wish I would have done more when these instincts began.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Mousse242
♀ 6330
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not overreacting.

Start looking for another cell phone. Look everywhere..in his truck..in the garage..in the bathroom..everywhere.

I see so many red flags in what you have posted..it also sounds like it's gone underground.

Also, he back peddled on the gym because you busted his ass, he didn't change his mind AT ALL.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
jennrnua
♀ 39596
Member # 39596
Happy  Posted: 6:58 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK........I got online access to cell records. Nothing I didn't know about except one phone call that lasted one minute 14 seconds. He actually had an explination for it (his mom sells stuff and he delivers it for her to people at his workplace) although he didn't tell the entire truth. He did collect $ from her the morning of the phonecall and told me he did but neglected to tell me she called. Sai he figured I would get upset and he wanted things to get better blah blah. He ended up coming home from work early and spent the next 6hrs begging me not to give up on our marriage. We discussed the distance that's slowly become worse since December(when we found out our daughter needed heart surgery.) He said he would do anything to regain my trust. Told him that was easy: tell the truth, the while truth, without me having to ask. I did establish NC rules r/t OW except for work and if they must speak, I am to be told immediately. He did admit to seeing why Ive been upset but insisted there has been nothing going on so i educated him on EA's and how they start. I don't think he had a PA, nothing in their texts pointed to that at all and I didn't find anymore texts, still gotta look at the bills from January -April. He did go through his and show me the contacts to match every number on the two bills I looked. He asked if I wanted to go marriage counseling. I assume all of his efforts are a positive sign??? To answer some previous questions of y'alls: the first wife told me why she filed for divorce, my H says she cheated b/c she married his bestfriend 6 months later. I did mention me going to the gym too and he was open to that & said if it meant our marriave would work that he would stop going all together b/c nothing was worth losing me. He doesn't have a personal vehicle or computer, he brings his patrol car home and he has a partner with him at all times, his privacy is limited. The OW works night shift, he works day shift. He left work early today,

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2013
jennrnua
♀ 39596
Member # 39596
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And: I did know about OW. I knew she was going to the gym and that they talked. I did not know the extent that talked for that week (6/1-6/8.) Sorry for all the long posts. All this is so new to me. We've never had trust issues before. We don't go out without eachother, at least not if alcohol or bars are involved. We've always had that rule and its always worked. He has mentioned wanting to do something with OW and her fiance (also a cop w/a different department) stating that he thinks I would like her because she is a lot like my best friend. So while some of the classic signs are there, some of them aren't andd its confusing the hell outta me.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, his wanting the two of you to go out with OW and her SO *is* a very classic sign.

There are many,many,many SI members who have had their WS introduce them to the OW/OM,they become best friends,etc...all to throw the BS off the trail...and they get to spend more time with each other...they get off on the secret.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((jennrnua))))

I actually have the feeling that this is just what it seems; a friendship on a slippery slope and a H that is now remorseful. Mainly that is because all the texts were basically harmless and the phone bill was confirmatory.

I would still keep my guard up, but this may be the wake up call he needed, and both of you can focus more on the M. A sick child is a huge stress, and sometimes we start to take each other for granted.

Good luck.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1845 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
jennrnua
♀ 39596
Member # 39596
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes the surgery was a huge strain. Not even 2 weeks later his dad suddenly passed away and my grandmother was put into the nursing home. And because of decreased OT, I was struggling to pay bills but didn't tell him for several months (learned my lesson.) He was also pretty sick after that from the low testosterone. He threw up all the time, would sweat all night and lost 15lbs in two weeks. BTW, I am 31 and he is 38.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2013
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