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Newest Member: Herself (45715)

User Topic: 6 years later, starting to regret R.
HHmom2
♀ 39592
Member # 39592
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm actually not new here.. It had been so long since my last login that I forgot my login details!

Its been 6 years since WH's 4 month affair. It happened while I was pregnant with our son. I found out shortly after coming home from the hospital with our newborn and needless to say, that discovery sucked all the joy out of having a new baby.

After a long battle through every emotion possible, a couple years of MC, and good old "time passing", we are still married. We both made our marriage a priority again. When we went through R, I was hell bent on not returning to the old habits and second rate marriage that caused his affair in the first place. Our marriage was really terrible pre-affair. We fought constantly, he was unaffectionate, I was too controlling, he was grumpy/moody all the time, I was too critical. Basically all the key ingredients for disaster. But we both recognized the problems and strived hard to make our marriage work. We thought we had beaten the odds and things were really good for a long time.

Fast forward 6 years..

It seems that all we learned has been forgotten. we've returned to the pre-affair lousy marriage habits and now I feel like I'm stuck. I've tried talking to him about it, even writing to him about it many times. We just fight. He refuses marriage counseling, he makes excuses for not making our date nights a priority again. Then gets angry and defensive at me for not taking initiative either. He's grumpy and negative all the time. I have resentment boiling over and this causes me to rip open the affair wounds again. We aren't meeting each other's needs. I cry all the time and I am sinking fast into depression. The only reason I haven't sought counseling myself, is because I'm afraid that a counselor will talk me into getting a divorce. A part of me still doesn't want that because I don't want to make life worse for our children. I have no reason to believe he's having another affair. Well at least I haven't pursued investigation. But I have told him that he's exhibiting the symptoms again. He'll just roll his eyes and say "Oh you're being ridiculous".


I'm really at a loss here. I feel like I have a roommate, not a husband. I feel like something drastic has to happen in order for our marriage to get back on track, but short of having an affair of my own, I can't think of what that can be.


I want a happy marriage. I thought I had it and now I'm realizing that it may have been all smoke and mirrors. I'm starting to regret not moving on with my life 6 years ago.

I really need some inspiration, advice :-(

Thanks for listening.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013
HurtButHoping12
♀ 34918
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man, I could have written every bit of this post (including the birth part, same thing happened to me and I'm SO sorry for you :( ) but we are almost 2 years out. I have the same range of emotions and am at a loss. I just want you to know you aren't alone, hugs!


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, do not have an affiar. If you are really that hurt and done, then file the papers and move on. An affiar will.not.help you or your marriage or anything. Its a horrible horrible mess that you do not want to enter into.


Then gets angry and defensive at me for not taking initiative either. He's grumpy and negative all the time. I have resentment boiling over and this causes me to rip open the affair wounds again. We aren't meeting each other's needs.

This is the good old "tit for tat" or the "i will only do this for you if you do this for me"....conditional love. You only help him if he helps you, he only helps you if you help him.

Once resentment sets in it becomes a power struggle and its hard to get out of it because it requires one person to put aside their pride and there 'but they are not doing it for me' thoughts and start doing what they would like done for them.

Sometimes it takes just the one person to break the cycle of the resentment.

I think that he doesnt take this seriously at all, and maybe its time to make him take it seriously. Send the kids away for a weekend somewhere and pretty much sit him down and tell him that by the end of the weekend you will either be recommited to making the marriage work, or you will start the process of divorce.

You dont want to rock the boat, but if the boat is sinking what do you have to lose by rocking it and maybe finding the hole to plug it back up?


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
ErinHa
♀ 10138
Member # 10138
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 9 years out and have gone through everything you have, the rebuilding too. But my rebuilding ended with a second round of affairs and I think I mentally gave up even though we stayed together for years after.

You should NEVER feel pressured to D...you have children and must do what you think is right. I stayed with my STBX for years until we were both ready to d. Our separation is completely amicable and that is so great for the kids...we were both ready and in agreement of the divorce, as sad as it was. I believe this is critical because the kids see us helping each other and not fighting anymore.

I know it seems silly to say you shouldn't divorce when you are angry at your spouse, and I don't mean to say that people who are suffering in a marriage shouldn't get out. All I'm saying is that you will know when you are ready. If it's today, then you know.

My advice is to do an amended 180...not ignore him but ignore the behavior that is bothering you, get IC for you. A good IC will NOT tell you what to do re: D.

You need to get some distance from the storm to get perspective. Don't engage with him when he's negative, take the high road with your behavior, do not let yourself get stuck or you will find yourself in the same s***storm you were in pre-affair. The negativity and bad habits will keep you from seeing clearly.

That way, if you are seeing the same behaviors as you did during the A, you'll be able to judge it more clearly.

I would definitely start investigating again and get to the truth.

I hope this helps from another "old timer"....


ME--BS 46years old
HIM--WS 48 years old
3 Kids--DS11, DS13, DD15
Married 13 years, together 15 years
1st Dday 6/7/04
2nd Dday 3/13/06
From 2006 on too many to count (gave up)

Divorcing


Posts: 800 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Happy, peaceful
Random thoughts
♀ 2959
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HHmom2

Can you continue to carry the load of working on the marriage with a certain end date in sight?

While doing this see what his reaction is, does he still moan and groan when told that its date night and does that continue into the date like he would rather be somewhere else?

Or does he begin to pick up the slack and start to take part in some of the planning?

Have to ask if you have been checking to see if he has been wandering again and seeking outside attention.

Sorry that your in rough waters again.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1613 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi HHmom2,

I am sure you remember the mantra; you cannot make anybody do anything for a sustained period. That was true after your dday, and it is true now.

Then gets angry and defensive at me for not taking initiative either.

What do you mean by this statement?

But I have told him that he's exhibiting the symptoms again.

Rather than make this about him, I would suggest you focus on you. You clearly present that your needs in the M are not being met, does your H understand this? I think you are in a better position to say you feel ignored and unloved rather than to say he is acting in a specific (wayward) way.

If your H is not willing to go to MC, is he willing to talk with you? If he is willing to talk with you, is he happy in the M? Why is he behaving in a way that you perceive that he is grumpy and negative all the time? Is this true for him?

When a person discovers they have some bad behavioral habits, bad coping mechanisms, they can work on these with practice and IC. They can learn new coping mechanisms; they can practice new behaviors, BUT... The old behaviors and mechanisms remain under the surface. Especially at times of stress it is common for the person to fall back to these old and familiar habits. It is only 6 years since dday, very little time to practice and instill new behaviors compared to a lifetime for the old behaviors.

You mention a couple of years of MC after your dday, did your then WH work on his “Whys?” back then? Did he figure out, and did you talk about, how he gave himself permission for a 4 month A while you were pregnant? Did he learn and practice new behaviors to meet the need he was trying to meet through the attention of the OW? Was there real progress and change within him, or did he simply stop having an A?

Finally, f he will not talk, not go to MC, what kind of a M do you have? You do not need to feel regret for working on R 6 years ago, especially when you saw progress. More, you should regret staying in an M with a partner who is acting in ways that are not loving and who is unwilling to communicate and be emotionally intimate with you.

--Ats


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
HHmom2
♀ 39592
Member # 39592
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to go back and get a refresher course on the "180". I think that might be a good option at this point.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013
Later
♂ 39375
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Were you ever compatible? Do you have common interests?

Anyway, looking back on my own marriage I wish I had been more proactive. I tried from time to time, but there were no real consequences.

I would recommend a loving, but very serious come to Jesus meeting. No blame, just a straightforward conversation letting him know that you can start being married or start being divorced.

I agree with setting a timeline -- even if you keep it to yourself. Honestly, it doesn't take a lot of time to start making an effort. All it takes is a change of heart and a decision to make the effort.

Time is useful for evaluating whether there has been a real change of heart, but it's not necessary to start the changes.

I believe this because after years of treating me like shit, my wife was suddenly able to "act right" after Dday -- and this is with me being less than receptive. She simply made the decision. (now, her motives are another issue)

Personally, I am not sold on the 180 as a one size fits all cure. Sometimes, both parties are already in a 180. "Formally" starting the 180 is not even noticeable.


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
HHmom2
♀ 39592
Member # 39592
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only think a 180 is a good idea because he knows that the state of our marriage bothers the hell out of me right now.

All it does is cause a fight when I bring it up. I think I'm starting to realize that I appear desperate and he knows it.

Maybe its time to work on myself.

Thanks for the advice on the timeline. I think I may consider it.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe its time to work on myself.

Never a bad plan.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Knowing
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This stood out for me:

"a couple years of MC, and good old "time passing", we are still married. We both made our marriage a priority again. When we went through R, I was hell bent on not returning to the old habits and second rate marriage that caused his affair in the first place"

It is not you or your M that caused his A. By your description he's obviously miserable, still is, always was. Are you saying he never went into IC to figure out what was broken inside of him that would allow him to have an A in the first place? If so, it's not too late to go to IC. It's never too late for IC. He sounds like my fWH in a few ways. I wouldn't put up with that passive-aggressive BS ever again. Good luck whatever you decide.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lucky
♀ 6864
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems that all we learned has been forgotten. we've returned to the pre-affair lousy marriage habits and now I feel like I'm stuck. I've tried talking to him about it, even writing to him about it many times. We just fight. He refuses marriage counseling, he makes excuses for not making our date nights a priority again. Then gets angry and defensive at me for not taking initiative either. He's grumpy and negative all the time. I have resentment boiling over and this causes me to rip open the affair wounds again. We aren't meeting each other's needs. I cry all the time and I am sinking fast into depression.

.

This is the good old "tit for tat" or the "i will only do this for you if you do this for me"....conditional love. You only help him if he helps you, he only helps you if you help him.

Once resentment sets in it becomes a power struggle and its hard to get out of it because it requires one person to put aside their pride and there 'but they are not doing it for me' thoughts and start doing what they would like done for them.


Brilliant answer!!!

.

The only reason I haven't sought counseling myself, is because I'm afraid that a counselor will talk me into getting a divorce. A part of me still doesn't want that because I don't want to make life worse for our children.

Being from a broken home is healthier for children than living in one. What in the world are you so afraid of? What satisfaction or happiness are you getting from this marriage? I can't see anything but a war zone that is terrible for kids. They learn what they live. Everything you do your children will repeat in their own lives and relationships.

You should really dig deep and find out why you are so fearful and how you can help yourself to help your kids.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
Rise And Shine
♀ 27513
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'm starting to realize that I appear desperate and he knows it.

Maybe its time to work on myself.

It sounds like you spent a lot of time working on your marriage but little time working on yourself. Or, the work you did on yourself after his A was marriage-centered rather than ME-centered.

When we went through R, I was hell bent on not returning to the old habits and second rate marriage

You are the reason that I refused MC after my dday. Dday put my head in a place that was the very darkest most excruciating place on earth and I was hell-bent on NEVER EVER returning to that place EVER EVER again.

My dday was over 4yrs ago and its taken that long- probably longer, to work on myself. I have long since gotten over the heartbreak of learning that there are no guarantees in marriage and I've reached acceptance of that fact. I know that if he decides to end the M or I decide to end it, I'll be fine and so will the kids. I'll be sad and I'm sure the kids will be also but we'll be fine. What I won't ever feel again is crazy desperation.

I haven't fought with my WH since dday. For a good 3 years after dday I was to angry at him to fight with him. And for the last year I've been to busy with my life to stop and fight with him or worry about what he's doing or not doing.

Life is short and time is precious. If you've gone through the same kind of emotional hell that I went through- that so many of us have gone through after dday, then you've wasted enough of your precious time already. I suffered and my children all suffered because of his GREED. Your WH is a very greedy man.

I think you should read Erin's post again and consider the advice given. It was good advice.


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
Topic Posts: 13

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