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Moments of disbelief

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TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/19/2013 09:01 AM

I'm sure we have had them. I've said it's the hit by a bus feeling. You know you we're cheated on but then one day the weight just really hits you. Holy crap...this really happened!

I can't say I've had these a lot or really expected much out of them, but now in this forum I've had the moments of, "maybe he has come to his senses." Thankfully I haven't had many and I'm not thinking that he actually has. I think if I act on them it's just to help remind me of who he is. A few days ago I had a moment like that and I texted him:

"If I said, hey, I want this to work, but these are some of my big requirements: you look for a job and want to leave your job, that you admit and demonstrate your remorse for emotionally abusing me for years, that you never ever get mad directly at me for how I feel, that you read about and show me what real remorse and support is. Could you agree to that? Could you do it?" the answer literally was no. That is what he said..."no."

Remind, house, and finances, house, and finances only.

nowiknow23 posted 6/19/2013 09:13 AM


Honey? F.T.G.
I hope he likes crickets, because that's ALL he will be getting from you, ok?

suckstobeme posted 6/19/2013 09:26 AM

I hear you. There were lots of those days where I simply couldn't believe this was real and I couldn't believe the man that I married and loved for all those years was buried deep inside the asshole who had emerged from all of this. I so badly wanted to see that guy again.

But, I slowly had to come to the conclusion that this is my reality. As much as I didn't want it to be and as much as I mentally kicked and screamed to avoid acceptance, I finally realized, here it is. He doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't want this M. He's not a partner. He's only a fair weather friend and the clouds apparently replaced the sunshine that we had.

We've all fallen off that NC horse. Don't beat yourself up for it.

But, now he's not only shown you who he is, he's told you in no uncertain terms that he cannot and will not do what it takes to fight. He's not that guy that you thought he was. Hes a broke down fool.

From now on, it's kids and finances only. I actually try my best to provide one or two word answers at this point. If I could grunt to get my point across, I would.

They don't deserve any more of us. No more. They have taken enough and to give them even a tiny glimpse into our souls does nothing but hurt us in the end.

No more new hurts, sweetie. No more.

caregiver9000 posted 6/19/2013 09:41 AM

I am sorry TCD. I know that must have stung. To reach out yet again and get a single negative syllable back....

Just remember how simple he is. OK? "no" was as simple as it gets. Give him nothing else. Save it for you! You deserve some tender loving care.

ALittleLost posted 6/19/2013 10:05 AM


His response is a gift.

He could tell you what you want to hear. He could string you along.

You could waste more of your life waiting for true remorse...waiting for his actions to match his words.

Only to find more heartbreak.

Hang in there ..... NC= no new hurts

ButterflyGirl posted 6/19/2013 10:11 AM


I agree his answer was a gift. That was probably the least NPD thing he's done in a while. It wasn't manipulating or trying to mind fuck you anymore. It was a simple truth that he is not willing to give you basic respect or fight for the marriage anymore.

You are amazing China Doll. You deserve so much better than him..


brokenfinger posted 6/19/2013 10:14 AM

i have felt like this all week, so far.

I don't want him, but I the shit that comes out of his mouth,sometimes blows my mind.

He was giving me shit for not telling him about our daughters minor dentist appointment..I lost my shit a bit and was like" well pardon me, but I HATE YOU, so occasionally, communicating with you over minor things slips my fucking mind."

New mantra I see, finances,,finances NC

dmari posted 6/19/2013 10:30 AM

It's hard to accept that his answer is a gift ~ he has shown who he truly is. Who he is and what he has done is not a reflection of you ~ just him. You are far more incredible and amazing and are worthy of a much better life. So go for it!


Faithful w/Love posted 6/19/2013 10:43 AM

I get it also.
I am getting the NC now from him... I say FTG.

I know it is hard and it hurts like hell. But, fuck me, you don't deserve to be treated taht way by him or anyone else. He lost YOU, you didn't lose him.

We have to start asking ourselves the same questions we ask the WH?

Why does he treat me like this?

It should be: Why do I let myself be treated this way?

Why is he so evil to me?

It should be: Why am I evil to myself to allow this?

God please help him change and love me again.

It should be: God please help me change me and love me again.

See my piont? When you start doing that you start to see that we allow this to happen to us and we get lost in it.

Love should not hurt, love should not be so hard, love should be given not taken.

His little crickets to you is just what he is a little cricket that has no voice. He doesn't know how to treat people, even if he is kind to others it is just because he can't be mean to people that he can't control.
Take you power back little by little everyday. Baby steps like me.
I am in the same boat and I am hurting like no other but I am sitting and going through things with a fine tooth comb in my memory bank... And whoaaaaa, I don't like how I allowed this to happen to myself for the sake of keeping him because as it turned out, I never kept him anyway. He was broken then, I just didn't want to see it.

Pull out the big guns now, and put up a protective wall, show him you will not take his shit and that is by not allowing him to know your pain, that gives them power that you don't even know about because he knows/thinks you will always be there anytime he needs you.

[This message edited by Faithful w/Love at 10:45 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/19/2013 10:49 AM

Can I jus say that every time someone writes FTG, it makes me smile.

This in house thing is rough. Even if we aren't fighting, it still gives a very "stuck" feeling. When I asked him that I had actually called later because he had not responded. He started to justify his response and I stopped him right there and said, "I don't need to hear the rest. Thank you for being honest." He calls what I call verbal and emotional abuse my opinion. And an opinion doesn't mean it's the truth.

Faithful w/Love posted 6/19/2013 10:59 AM

Oh crap, the in house seperation, Ummmm yeah, never works at least not for us. The reasons:

To much stress.
living in limbo.
acting like the normal family.
wanting to have the old us back.
wanting him to show remorse.
wanting to be loved.
watching his hateful way and words to me.
feeling like I did not belong in my own home when he was home.
feeling like I could not go in a room when he was in there.
feeling useless.
It was horrible.

Now, I have my own place and I am free from all that. I love that part. I do I do I do I DO!

Yes, I get lonely when DS is at the house with his dad, but I can do what I want when I want, make my own choices, not have to feel like I have to ask, not having to worry ALL THE F'ING time about what is coming next. Those are the perks.

I hated in house seperation. It sucked ASS!

Now I have different stresses and I am just now starting to heal. I was in false R with him till about a month ago. No other OW that I know of but he was not willing to do the work. And we could never talk about what or how he made me feel all those years without a fight. He will never see my side of it. He will alway somehow blame me for what he did. And he say I blame him for everything and I don't I take ownership of my faults and I take ownership of how I allowed him to treat me, I take ownership of being a doormat, of thinking of him first always, always making sure he was happy because if he was happy then we were all happy. It is just sick all the way around.

Does this mean I don't love him? No, I will always love the man I married and grew up with, it just means that man is longer around.

Nature_Girl posted 6/19/2013 12:41 PM

I'm two years out from DDay, almost 1.5 years separated/divorce filed, and I am having a major "disbelief" week. I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe it's come to this. I can't believe STBX is this cold & low & abusive (only now it's financial abuse since I'm not around him he can't emotionally abuse me). I can't believe this is really happening.

I don't know when these kind of feelings go away. I just know they seem to cycle back around again & again.

Faithful w/Love posted 6/19/2013 12:57 PM

Oh Nature,
Honey, I am sorry you are hurting. I feel the pain as you. It fucking sucks! It is so hard to believe that they would turn on us like that.

Stay strong like you always have been. You are a pillar of strength for me in my posts.

Lean on us. Here is a HUGE ((((hug)))).

I wish I could take all the pain for all of us. It is awful. I am in disbeliefe also, I can't believe all this is happening. I wish I could go back 19 years and change everything but I know there has to be a lesson in this for me. There just has to be.
Sometimes I think God has something wonderful for me in the future and this is his way of getting me there. Also, I think maybe he knew this was going to happen and that maybe I should not have married wh and now I'm being told to move on! And he's saying your not so I am pushing you to move.
I think he is trying to protect me but my free will was always blocking him from the path he has for me.

[This message edited by Faithful w/Love at 1:00 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 6/19/2013 16:29 PM

Absolutely. What is weird is that I always knew he had the capacity to do it I just couldn't believe he did it. To me. To us. To our girls.

He did. It took a while to get through the BS fog and see that it wasn't the only thing he did to us, nor was it the first thing, nor was it the worst.

In the early days I was so caught up in the "I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING!" that I wasn't having a good, hard look at what had already happened.

There's a recent post in the quotes thread that goes something like: "its not what he did do its what he didn't do". That resonated with me with lots of non-infidelity related issues to.

Right now I'm in disbelief around what I tolerated, what I lived without, that I married him, that I had children with him.

caregiver9000 posted 6/19/2013 16:42 PM

He doesn't know how to treat people, even if he is kind to others it is just because he can't be mean to people that he can't control.

Brilliant. Don't volunteer to be someone he can control. Don't respond, don't give ego kibble, don't answer, cry, rant or otherwise feed his idea that he has control of you or your emotions and the mean will taper off. Not immediately and he'll trot it back out periodically because after all, it USED to work once...

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/19/2013 17:57 PM

Ugh. That is something he has said to me to passive aggressively put the blame on me. Why doesn't he treat everyone like me? Surely then it's all my imagination or I'm making something out of nothing because other people don't think he acts like that. So he must not treat me horribly because he doesn't do it to other people. So I'm the one making the trouble.

I'm not even going to waste my breath explaining to him, yet again, that he knows he has and can manipulate me mainly because I'm scared of him. That he has more invested in me. That he gets more from me so it's a totally different situation.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 5:58 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 6/20/2013 04:01 AM

Because they only see the mask - as you and I once did. But we see under the mask now.

You can't reason with fucked up - they use that fucked up logic to betray us, why on earth would they stop using it when doing so would mean they'd have to admit to themselves that they are fucked up.

I learned the hard way that this is just how he rolls. It doesn't matter to me anymore as long as it rolls him the fuck away from me.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 6:33 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]

itainteasy posted 6/20/2013 07:28 AM


He is only concerned with being "right".

He had a chance to be happy, and he chose "right".

Too bad the only people that think he's right are himself and every other fucktard who destroys their families with no remorse.

F. T. G.

soverybetrayed posted 6/20/2013 18:23 PM

Honey, he has to be "Mr Wonderful" to everyone else so he can believe that he is a normal nice guy that everyone loves. This feeds his massive black empty soul and makes him believe he is 'normal'. Deep inside he knows he is sick and an empty black hole.

You have seen him without his mask and no matter how hard he tries you refuse to let him put that "Mr Perfect" mask back on. He has to punish you for knowing what he really is. Once the mask falls off we simply can't see them as we once did, we see the nasty monster they truly are and we fight back. We begin to see the emotional neglect and the subtle abuse we have endured and made excuses for. They hate us for seeing that they are deep dark pits of nothingness and begin to discredit us. Living with an NPD is living with insanity and we have to save ourselves by leaving or accept that this is our new life and it will be hell.

When he speaks think of an empty black whole. Can you reason with a black hole? Can you make it be nice? Can you stop it from sucking up everything in its path? No, it is empty sucking hole with no soul. That is who this man in front of you is now, he can't change because he would have to admit he isn't perfect and NPDs can never admit that. Just ignore the black hole and live for you and your kids. You will make a better life with out the giant black hole that sucks the life out of everything. You deserve better.

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